She’s 15.

She took some Vanity Fair pictures.

Before that, she took some MySpace picture.

She’s gonna be a ho… if she isn’t already.

Someone needs to punch her right in the cooter and find a way to get rid of her, because her and her baby teeth make me angry.

After watching Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace for the 20th time and hating it for the 20th time, I realize all my hate just doesn’t lie with Jar-Jar Binks, Jake Lloyd, the baffling plot, the stilted acting from most of the cast and the Jewish, Chinese and Jamaican stereotypes implanted into certain alien species.  As a matter of fact, most of my hate stems from one character that rubs me the wrong way - Captain Panaka, Queen Amidala’s security captain.

The guy is the biggest naysayer in the history of Star Wars.  He disagrees with everything.  He brings nothing to the table but negative vibes.  How did so much sand get in his vagina?  For your viewing pleasure, I have every negative thing that Panaka said in The Phantom Menace…

“This is a dangerous situation, Your Highness. Our security volunteers will be no match against a battle-hardened Federation army.”
“There are too many of them.”
“If we can’t get the shield generators fixed, we’ll be sitting ducks.”
“You can’t take Her Royal Highness there! The Hutts are gangsters! If they discovered her…”
“I do not agree with the Jedi on this.”
“There are too few of us, Your Highness. We have no army.”
“They’ve probably spotted us.”
“More likely (the Gungans) were wiped out.”
“The Federation Army’s also much larger than we thought, and much stronger. Your Highness, this is a battle I do not think we can win.”

This guy is just unpleasant and an overlooked annoying asshole in the Star Wars franchise. Can you imagine hanging out with him?

“We can’t go that bar! Their bathrooms are smelly!”
“We’re going to run out of chips and there is no way we can make it to the store to buy more.”
“This bill is too high. We’re finished.”
“You probably have an STD since you slept with that random girl last night.”
“This softball team we’re up against later today has some good players on it. We don’t stand a chance.”

I am The Hollywood Asshole. I have spoken.

Rupert Grint, the ginger kid…well, I guess ginger man, who plays Ron Weasley in the Harry Potter movies, has become awesome in The Hollywood Asshole’s eyes after he was quoted saying this, “”I met Lindsay (Lohan) last summer and she talked about herself a lot. She said she was going to win an Oscar before she turns 25. I just kept thinking, ‘But you can’t act.’”

We salute you, you red-haired limey.

I mashed up two of the trailers for Horton Hears a Who and combined it with the trailer for The Dark Knight creating Horton Hears a Joker.

As every fan of Corey Feldman knows (all 9 of them), the sequel to the 80’s vampire dramedy classic is being released directly to DVD…and straight into our hearts. Apparently, Kiefer Sutherland even has a spooky son named Angus who will be in the movie. Sounds like a real winner.

Sadly, due to the incredible busy schedule caused by his countless amount of other projects, Alex Winter is not in the sequel.

In preparation for the highly anticipated release, here are some comments from the Internet Movie Database message board which is RED HOT these days.

“I can totally appreciate that some aren’t so enthusiastic but I’m gob smacked!! lol ”

“Ive created 3 Frog Brothers wallpapers. ”

“My oh my, those Sutherlands are an attractive family. I don’t know if it’s cause he’s a an evil vampire or cause he reminds me of Kiefer, but he looks really hott in this movie and I can’t wait to see it.”
“Hey bairdy,i have been holding back on posting untill i saw your name crop up!!
At first i thought nooooooooo it so cheesy but then Edgar appeared and even though it just a trailer you can tell he was acting his f uckin heart out.The music kicked in and it just got better and better.It has the same feel as the original in the second half of the trailer except the first vamp we see (hopefully he will be first come first staked) that was a little vampire humour by the way!! i swear
the further the trailer went i started to chokeup,i s hit you not.
Very happy,fingers crossed its all as good. ”

“Who are you to judge the people who enjoyed the trailer? ”

“I’m so psyched, i’ve watched the trailer about 12 times and it still looks awesome. I can’t pick any faults with it like most people are because some people are just hard to please… ”

“I’ve said my bit now…it has my 100% faith in it, now it just needs to deliver.
BRINT IT ON! ”

There’s no word yet on whether THIS GUY will reprise his role from the first movie…

Also, included in this wonderful post is another People That Look Like Other Dudes. Let’s take a look at the sweaty freak in the previous picture who was in the first movie, and see that he is possibly the alter ego of former WWF superstars Brutus the Barber Beefcake and British Bulldog.

That sweaty singing guy

That sweaty singing guy again

Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake

British Bulldog

There it is, folks.

“And don’t forget to pick up a copy of The Lost Boys 2 for friends, relatives, and immediate family whenever the hell it comes out.”

Man, have you ever seen a better looking group of fighters than in the upcoming movie “Never Back Down”?  Nothing like using the blonde, tone and tanned youth of Southern California to represent the violent underground world of street fighting.   Even the name of the main character is OC - Jake Tyler. Why not call him John Smith or Michael Jones?

But what I love most is the commercials, which deviate from my original topic, but make a point on today’s violent youth.  The commercial announcer says, “If you want respect, never back down.”  Isn’t that glorifying the train of thought that is turning today’s high school students into corpses? Whenever there is a gang shooting, a school shooting or just a plain ol’ killing in another form, it usually stems from a previous argument. The loser, well, never backed down.  He felt disrespected, so he tracked his opponent down later on and killed him.  He’s in jail now, but at least he’s respected.

While investigating what films were currently out the theatre (I won’t go there), I came across Doomsday, which you’ve no doubt seen plentiful commercials for already.

I could get into some P-A Poetry Slam about this obvious travesty being unleashed on mankind, but that would be far too easy. Instead, I want to link to something I came across while reading up on this movie.

“Why ‘punks’ in post-apocalyptic films?” A damn good question. Why punks in post-apocalyptic films?This unusually sane IMDB forum thread has a great discussion on the topic, and it’s a solid read. It’s a funny point that the only people you ever see in these films — like Mad Max — are the zany folks with green mohawks in 80’s arcades (the real ones, the neutered places like “Dave and Barry’s”. A point brought up in there is, wouldn’t the Young Republicans and other privileged elites be the ones running things? It would seem so.

While looking for the Doomsday image above, I also came across this webpage with this image of a true post-apocalyptic survivor. Supposedly, this dude is a remnant of Hiroshima. Dunno if it’s for real, but an interesting look anyway.

EDIT: That picture’s Hiroshima theme is supposedly bogus, but here is a GREAT site with a ton of End of the World scenarios. Like, whoa man!

No, really, it’s pretty sweet. Check it out.

My friend Dave and none other than the ancient, belly showing, squiggly dancing, leading front man for the Rolling Stones…Mick Jagger.

Dave

Mick

And now for really no reason at all…here is mighty Mick dancing on stage.

In the upcoming weeks and months and hopefully centuries, I’ll watch all the buzzed about movie trailers so you don’t have to. Sick of wasting money on a movie you didn’t think was worth it? Feel like you’re gonna blow chunks because you are so lazy you can’t even bring yourself to watch a two minute preview anymore? It’s all ok. I’m here.

For those who don’t know, Speed Racer is an upcoming movie by the washed up sci-fi fucks who directed the Matrix movies. Judging from the preview, it looks truly horrendous. But, you just might enjoy it if…

If having a level 5 seizure is your idea of a rompin‘ good time. If that’s the case then Speed Racer will delight you to no end. In this dazzling preview, you get to watch as the camera moves in circles with bright and vibrant colors that are just aching for you to fall over, hit your head on a desk, and have foam come out of your mouth.

If extremely insightful and deep acting is your thing, you’ll be very happy to know that 96 time Academy Award winner John Goodman stars as Speed Racer’s dad. Hear him spew out words of wisdom in this preview such as, “You can’t drive a car and change the world. It doesn’t work like that!” John Goodman ladies and gentlemen. Also, more insightful and deep acting is on display when Speed Racer explains why he races, “For my family it isn’t just a sport. It’s way more important than that. It’s like…a religion.” Yes. A religion.
If poetry is your thing, you’ll be ecstatic to know that at some point some dude yells at Speed Racer and rhymes , “YOU WALK AWAY FROM THIS DEAL, NO MATTER HOW WELL YOU DRIVE YOU WON’T WIN, YOU WON’T PLACE, I GUARANTEE YOU RIGHT NOW YOU WON’T EVEN FINISH THE RACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” This, of course, is all said while the camera spins around in a circle with weird colors everywhere.

If you wish to subject yourself, here’s the trailer.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tO2jcwgIi8o

There’s that old saying…if something sucks and gets old very quickly then why fix it? If you couldn’t get enough of Will Ferrell playing the pompous, clueless, loud, and out of touch character in Anchorman, Talladega Nights, and Blades of Glory; you’re in luck. Ferrell plays this character full force in this comedy that feels longer than Ben-Hur. Do you like to watch a movie and then have absolutely random things thrown in for good measure? Be amazed at Will Ferrell roller skating over 40 women or wrestling a killer bear.

Just like Dewey Cox, Tim Meadows cameo was the funniest part of the whole movie. But, instead of having the actual funny character of Tim Meadows and Will Arnett used more prominently, instead we get Will Ferrell screaming nonsense and Woody fucking Harrelson as some sort of bad ass veteran. The often funny Daily Show alums Rob Corddry and Matt Walsh were also basically wasted.

I’ll admit, I loved Anchorman. I however wasn’t a very big fan of Ron Burgundy racing a car, ice skating, and now playing basketball. Sure, there is still money to be made so I’m guessing we’ll get a few more Will Ferrell movies like this. It’s a damn shame because he can be a funny guy but now he is slowly but surely turning into that obnoxious friend like on Seinfeld where Jerry wanted to break up with him. Will Ferrell, it’s not you. It’s me. Really.

I can think of a lot of things that were funnier than this movie. This cover of WWF magazine for example.

GRADE: D