Want to get your hands on the next best thing if you didn’t make it into the music industry? Gamestop is now taking pre-orders for the RockBand Stage Kit which will ship out on June 23rd. Never heard of it? The RockBand Stage Kit is a $100 add on to the game which provides an “interactive light and smoke stage show”. Sounds totally awesome! Awesome like peeling peanuts out of their shells, or watching a 72 hour Columbo marathon. Not too awesome, huh? I apologize if you were thinking, “I’m so buying this!”, but let’s be honest, you weren’t. It’s like every other cool game add-on out there, just without testicles. There has been a lot of activity in anticipation for this add on though, considering all the game QA’s who fell off their make shift stages and began seizuring into their self made audience of stuffed animals. Ouch.
Here at ZubazPants.com, nothing makes us laugh harder than some ridiculous, over-the-top songs, music videos or lyrics. In this running series of entries, we’ll share some of our favorites with you.
“I’d Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That)” Meatloaf
1993
It’s hard to find a better starting point for a running series of blog entries than Meatloaf’s batshit insane “I’d Do Anything For Love” epic from 1993. Meatloaf scores the Triple Crown here, with a waaaaaaay over-the-top music video, and a waaaaaaay overblown song featuring some of the corniest lyrics these ears have ever heard. It’s just … just … magical.
Where do we even begin here?
Right off the bat, we know we’re mired in knee-deep mindfuckery. We’ve got helicopters chasing a dude (who we soon find out is the ‘Loaf himself) on a motorcycle. If you’re already wondering if Michael Bay directed this thing, well, wonder no more. He DID.
Meatloaf quickly evades the helicopter bearing down on him, makes it to his gothic castle, and immediately jumps into the chorus of the song sans instrumental backing. Meatloaf clearly does not FUCK AROUND.
“I would do anything for love,” he cries, his face all disfigured. He whimpers in the shadows while an officer of the law wanders his castle, until — in dramatic fashion! — the background instruments kick in and Meatloaf blasts through a castle wall on cue and on his motorcycle!
If you aren’t fired up after that turn of events, you clearly lack a pulse. The ‘Loaf escapes into the forest, where he immediately begins undressing some unknowing babe with his eyes. Just when you think Bitchtits is going to start jackslapping his cock, the babe notices him, causing him to flee like the puss he is. Come on Meatloaf, you’re a hideous monster in this video, no one would bat an eye if you forced yourself upon this babe.
Huh. After 15 years, I think I’ve finally figured out what the “that” is that Meatloaf “won’t do.” He apparently will do anything for love, but he won’t resort to rape. That’s admirable of you Meat. “Hey babe, I’ll cross the Milky Way for you, and as a bonus, I’m not going to rape you when you get back. Here’s lookin’ at you. *wink*”
A good amount of time passes after the jackslap scene with not much happening, until a fucking stellar scene where Meatloaf slides across the room in a chair. You have to see it to believe it. It’s at around the 3:30 mark, when the babe comes looking for her beast. It’s a feast for the eyes and soul.
In a song mired in inherent cheesyness, Meatloaf cries out one of the worst lyrics prior to the 4-minute mark. He sings, “Some days I pray for silence, and somedays I pray for soul
Some days I just pray to the God of Sex and Drums and Rock ‘N Roll!”, with an emphasis on that last line. I couldn’t help but laugh out loud hearing it.
The video turns into a half-master at this point, with Meatloaf’s babe taking a steamy tub and then rolling around in his bed, presumably taunting the poor fuck. It’s reminscent of Borat’s sister telling the caged retarded brother “La la la la! You can’t have this!” and pointing to her “vageen.”
Things really go off the deep end in the next scene, one that looks like something straight out of Caligula. While a lesbian orgy goes on, Meatloaf looks at himself in the mirror and then smashes it, along with every other mirror in the house. This crybaby act somehow works for the fucker, as his babe starts dueting with him, leading to the coup de gras of the song, and one of my favorite lyrics of all time:
“Will you hose me down with Holy Water, if I get TOO HOT!”
Amazing stuff. Will you hose me down with Holy Water, if I get too hot? That line will make me laugh until the day I die. The best is the way it’s delivered, with the babe wearing some bizarre, stringy outfit that leaves her tits all hanging out. She’s also flying on a bed. I just imagine Meatloaf — with a pants tent — spraying her with a fireman’s house that’s attached to a pump outside of a church. “Yeah baby, just how you like it.”
Easily one of the most ridiculous lyrics of all-time, in one of the most ridiculous music videos of all-time based on one of the most ridiculous songs of all time.
Kudos to you, Meatloaf.
In case you’re wondering, the rest of the video is your usual Michael Bay fare, including exploding shit, flashlights shining light randomly and some offscreen deep-dicking. You also have Meatloaf still going on about he “won’t do that,” which has become vague to me once again (shave his pubes?) and the guy from the “Janie’s Got a Gun” video as a cop looking all serious about some broken glass.
It’s a seven-minute and 36-second tour de force that was actually cut down from 12 minutes. Imagine that! A 12-minute Meatloaf video would probably have led to the end of days.
