Simply put, this movie sucks massive Wooly Mammoth cock with some Saber Tooth testicles thrown in for good measure. I could sit here and talk about the historical inaccuracies like most critics in the universe already have, but I’ll hold back. In the opening narration it’s even explained that what we are about to see is a “legend” so I was expecting more of a fairy tale than a PBS documentary anyway.

Honestly, it’s ok that these are a bunch of Cavemen speaking proper English. It’s ok that a lot of the people in this movie seem to be modeled after…

Counting Crows lead singer Adam Duritz.

Who of course got his look from…

Bart Simpson’s arch rival and sometimes civil friend: Sideshow Bob.

Enough of that though. Back to the matter at hand: the disaster that is 10,000 BC. It’s ok that somehow, the men within the same “tribe” or whatever had varying accents that ranged from Tony Montana-like-Spanish to stereotypical Apu-like-Gas Station workers all the way to some kind of crappy weird Irish bullshit. It’s, however, NOT ok that right after they have extremely civilized conversations where each character is left with enough imparting wisdom to last decades, that they then eat food like a starving kidnapped cheerleader who found some old Cocoa Puffs under the refrigerator near where she is chained up. Grunting and being obnoxious, they shove food in their mouth like Clay Aiken rams a ripe ol’ wee-wee between his lips.

“You got that right!”

Also, for an epic adventure movie directed by the freak who was at the helm of Independence Day and the Day After Tomorrow, you’d think the special effects would be pretty good, right? My how the mighty have fallen. At no point do the special effects look remotely real…or even special for that matter. At any given time, I expected the actors to simply walk into the green screen and fall over. Then again, this is the same guy who directed the 1998 remake of Godzilla starring Ferris Bueller and stood there while the special effects guy took the word “dogshit” to a new level.

Footage from the remake of Godzilla in 1998

So, besides the special effects and laughable accents/acting and whatnot, what’s so bad about this movie, you ask? It includes every single adventure movie cliché known to caveman. Instead of doing it well and wearing these influences proudly on their sleeve, they come off more like a cum stain on their sleeves and hands. It’s gross, actually. I won’t even name all the clichés, instead just watch the actual good movies that this film steals-uh I mean borrows them from.

When it comes down to it, this movie does not contain one redeeming factor. It must have good action, right!? Besides from the climax, there really isn’t much action at all. You know it’s a problem when the most suspenseful part of the movie is when the audience is wondering if a fake looking/computer generated retard Sabre Tooth tiger is going to bite a bunch of scared Africans.

GRADE: F

p.s. I really had no place to talk about this in the review…but the main bad guy in the film has extremely long Howard Hughes-esque fingernails for no reason at all. That’s all.

p.s.s. Because I mentioned Sideshow Bob, it’s only right that I name drop Sideshow Mel as well. He’s always feeling left out so this feels right. Here he is in all his glory…