After watching Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace for the 20th time and hating it for the 20th time, I realize all my hate just doesn’t lie with Jar-Jar Binks, Jake Lloyd, the baffling plot, the stilted acting from most of the cast and the Jewish, Chinese and Jamaican stereotypes implanted into certain alien species.  As a matter of fact, most of my hate stems from one character that rubs me the wrong way - Captain Panaka, Queen Amidala’s security captain.

The guy is the biggest naysayer in the history of Star Wars.  He disagrees with everything.  He brings nothing to the table but negative vibes.  How did so much sand get in his vagina?  For your viewing pleasure, I have every negative thing that Panaka said in The Phantom Menace…

“This is a dangerous situation, Your Highness. Our security volunteers will be no match against a battle-hardened Federation army.”
“There are too many of them.”
“If we can’t get the shield generators fixed, we’ll be sitting ducks.”
“You can’t take Her Royal Highness there! The Hutts are gangsters! If they discovered her…”
“I do not agree with the Jedi on this.”
“There are too few of us, Your Highness. We have no army.”
“They’ve probably spotted us.”
“More likely (the Gungans) were wiped out.”
“The Federation Army’s also much larger than we thought, and much stronger. Your Highness, this is a battle I do not think we can win.”

This guy is just unpleasant and an overlooked annoying asshole in the Star Wars franchise. Can you imagine hanging out with him?

“We can’t go that bar! Their bathrooms are smelly!”
“We’re going to run out of chips and there is no way we can make it to the store to buy more.”
“This bill is too high. We’re finished.”
“You probably have an STD since you slept with that random girl last night.”
“This softball team we’re up against later today has some good players on it. We don’t stand a chance.”

I am The Hollywood Asshole. I have spoken.

This entry was posted on Friday, April 25th, 2008 at 6:21 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.