Prom Night: Want to see a truly scary movie? Prom Night is the perfect choice. Want to piss your underwear/diaper in terror? There’s dialogue so terrible and wooden it’s spooky!

“You guys look soooooOOOooOO pretty! Haha!”

Ahhhhh! It’s scary. Do old people freak you out? Prom Night has high schoolers that make the old-timers from Beverly Hills 90210 blush.

Once the main character insists that she’ll request some Justin Timberlake to the DJ so everyone can relax, things REALLY get terrifying.

Prom Night will be forever talked about, by me at least, as the number one example of a piece of shit being made for the sole purpose of not making a good film but instead so 12 year old chicks with braces and newly acquired periods can pay money to see it. The people involved didn’t even try in the least bit to make a good film. But, instead every single predictable Hollywood horror cliché was thrown in just so a full movie could be completed. A new game should be played, where you gather all your friends around in a room and watch this. You each guess what is going to happen next. Your friend that gets the most things wrong will be taken out back and shot. Not in the leg or arm or whatever. But, shot in the head. You can tell your other friends that he’s “on vacation”.

Grade: F

The Ruins: Once the movie got past the typical horror movie bullshit (as in the first 30 minutes being a very slow and boring build up for the main characters to get to whatever place it is where they will be killed), I thought things might actually get good. I was happy that there wasn’t a killer at the Ruins, but instead it was the Ruins itself kicking everyone’s ass. But, the movie soon becomes the average and predictable horror film. This girl has a good heart…let her survive. This girl is being a bitch…she’s soooo dead. This guy is German and talks weird…fuck ‘em. He’s dead! But, let’s give him a broken back first. It’s still a more enjoyable experience than Prom Night, but it’s still a far cry from a good movie or even a good horror film.

Grade: C

88 Minutes: “I’m Al Pacino. I’m yelling! This movie sucks!” seems to be a quote, that I just made up by the way, that can describe any Al Pacino movie in recent memory. 88 Minutes might not be any better than his shit-films of the last few years, but it’s at least more entertaining.

I went into 88 Minutes without reading a single review, but after the movie was done I was convinced that mostly every critic in the world probably took a dump all over it, wiped, and then realized they had to shit some more. I was right, too. Words like “laughable” and “absolutely terrible” come into mind while remembering the reviews. At no point during this movie did I ever feel like it was so bad I had to walk out or anything. I’ve only walked out of one movie ever and that was Jackie Chan’s The Medallion. It wasn’t so bad it was good. Instead, it was so bad I almost got cancer just from sitting in the seat. We tried to get a refund but they said it’s not policy to give a refund just because a movie, “really sucks.” Whatever. Anyway, back to the movie at hand.

Let me explain why this movie was worth watching. There are some parts I actually thought were done quite well…as in the suspense. Even if the situation in general was ridiculous and stupid, the suspense seemed to never let up. Even if what was going to happen was sometimes predictable, it was still fun to watch what was going on. There were some dreadful parts of the movie of course and the flashbacks come to mind. The flashbacks were done in the classic mid-90’s straight to video fashion. Choppy editing, slow motion; these flashbacks had it all. But, even though it looked like shit, it was still fun to watch for the sheer entertainment factor. Good or bad, the movie never bored me. If it was on the verge of actually becoming a decent movie, then that was good. If it had sunk to being a crappy thriller with terrible plot twists, then that’s great too. Unlike Superhero Movie, 88 Minutes is a movie that is so bad at times it’s good. So, I hereby give this movie a B. I’m not grading it the same way I’d grade The Godfather for instance, but instead on how entertained I was.
Grade: B

Superhero Movie: You know a movie sucks when it’s a spoof comedy and the films they are poking fun at, are in fact, much funnier. You know the movie really sucks when the movie’s they are spoofing aren’t even comedies. You know a movie REALLY sucks when they cast that guy who played Shooter Mcgavin as the bad guy and the movie title doesn‘t include the words Happy or Gilmore. Not much is worthwhile or the least bit good with Superhero Movie and the way they make fun of the Spiderman trilogy. I’ll take the alternate emo/goth personality of Peter Parker any day over any of the “jokes” that were in this movie.

Sure, seeing this movie was free so I didn’t actually mind watching it. But. I should have known something was going to go terribly wrong when once again they were marketing it as “from 46 of the 90 writers of Scary Movie!”. This movie isn’t in the least bit funny or enjoyable. It succeeds in absolutely nothing it set out to do. Therefore, it fails. But, I won’t give it an F. Unlike Prom Night, it still attempted to be funny.
Grade D

Son of Rambow: Cheeky British kids who idolize Stallone filming their own Rambo movie during the 80s…is there anything more you can ask for from a movie? Well, yeah. But, Son of Rambow contained the perfect amount of humor and heart, which made it a breath of fresh air from most of the movies I’ve seen lately. Half the fun was watching the kids film their ridiculous Son of Rambow movie, but the real strength of the film was the relationship between the two main characters. Even though they are just kids, their comic delivery and acting chops are a whole lot better than most adults these days (see Superhero Movie review).

Grade: B+

Street Kings: Let’s see what we got here…a movie where Academy Award winner, Forest Whitaker, is a blabbering idiot who is somehow out-acted by professional robot Keanu Reeves. Is this possible? I guess so. Whitaker struts around the screen, chewing up every scene he’s in. Him and his weird eye attempt to take over every frame of film by yelling and saying stupid shit. But, once you get past his annoying character, the movie ends up being somewhat enjoyable but completely uneven.

A lot like 88 Minutes, it’s a pretty poor movie if you look at it from one angle. Filled with stupid plot twists, rappers acting, predictable race issues, and over the top action scenes, one could say this movie is about as smart as softcore porn. But, if you look at it like 88 Minutes, it can also be viewed as a fun movie. The movie is worth the price of admission alone just for Keanu’s facial expressions/reactions when he’s supposed to be surprised in certain scenes.

It’s not quite as entertaining as 88 Minutes overall, and it’s sense of importance, despite being pretty much a piece of shit, gives it a lower grade than Mr.Pacino’s flick. But, it’s still worth seeing if you want to switch your brain off, ignore the preaching/stupid themes, and just be entertained.
Grade: C+

Baby Mama: This movie gets major props for the kind of movie it ended up becoming. Penned by a former SNL writer, it easily could have been the typical post-Saturday Night Live movie…something that is about 90 minutes too long and would have been better just being a single skit on the show. But, the characters in the film let it become a lot more than that. They make you forget the plot (and love story sub plots) become more and more predictable as the movie goes on. Instead, it makes you think about how good Saturday Night Live used to be: full of skits with simple premises yet executed to perfection (or at least satisfaction in this case) because of the people involved.

Grade: B-

Smart People: No, I’m not one of the hipster rebels who decided I hated Juno after a while. I still think it’s a great movie. I, also, still think that Ellen Page is awesome. It’s no wonder her and Thomas Haden Curch, in only supporting roles, steal the movie from the leads. But, don’t get me wrong. I’ve heard a lot of talk about the leads being mis-cast, but I think Dennis Quaid did a fine job as the main character. For once, he’s not a fake/drunk Harrison Ford action star but instead his own character. Bravo, my man. Sarah Jessica Parker, as the love interest, also does a good job with her character. Smart People isn’t perfect by any means, but it’s a romantic comedy/drama like February’s Definitely, Maybe that takes typical clichés and makes them work.

Grade: B

Forgetting Sarah Marshall: Unlike a lot of the movies in the past few months, Forgetting Sarah Marshall is a movie that came with not much hype except from the fan boys of the whole Apatow camp, and became the biggest surprise…for me, at least. Although I loved Freaks & Geeks and the other Apatow movies, there was no telling how well Jason Segel could write let alone carry a whole movie. But, much like Judd Apatow, he blends the perfect combination of humor with touching moments while putting a new spin on stories we’ve seen a million times. When it’s all said and done, Forgetting Sarah Marshall ended up not only being the most satisfying comedy I’ve seen in a while, but also my favorite film of 2008, so far.

Grade: A-

All past reviews can be found on www.andrewrubin.org

She’s 15.

She took some Vanity Fair pictures.

Before that, she took some MySpace picture.

She’s gonna be a ho… if she isn’t already.

Someone needs to punch her right in the cooter and find a way to get rid of her, because her and her baby teeth make me angry.

After watching Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace for the 20th time and hating it for the 20th time, I realize all my hate just doesn’t lie with Jar-Jar Binks, Jake Lloyd, the baffling plot, the stilted acting from most of the cast and the Jewish, Chinese and Jamaican stereotypes implanted into certain alien species.  As a matter of fact, most of my hate stems from one character that rubs me the wrong way - Captain Panaka, Queen Amidala’s security captain.

The guy is the biggest naysayer in the history of Star Wars.  He disagrees with everything.  He brings nothing to the table but negative vibes.  How did so much sand get in his vagina?  For your viewing pleasure, I have every negative thing that Panaka said in The Phantom Menace…

“This is a dangerous situation, Your Highness. Our security volunteers will be no match against a battle-hardened Federation army.”
“There are too many of them.”
“If we can’t get the shield generators fixed, we’ll be sitting ducks.”
“You can’t take Her Royal Highness there! The Hutts are gangsters! If they discovered her…”
“I do not agree with the Jedi on this.”
“There are too few of us, Your Highness. We have no army.”
“They’ve probably spotted us.”
“More likely (the Gungans) were wiped out.”
“The Federation Army’s also much larger than we thought, and much stronger. Your Highness, this is a battle I do not think we can win.”

This guy is just unpleasant and an overlooked annoying asshole in the Star Wars franchise. Can you imagine hanging out with him?

“We can’t go that bar! Their bathrooms are smelly!”
“We’re going to run out of chips and there is no way we can make it to the store to buy more.”
“This bill is too high. We’re finished.”
“You probably have an STD since you slept with that random girl last night.”
“This softball team we’re up against later today has some good players on it. We don’t stand a chance.”

I am The Hollywood Asshole. I have spoken.

Rupert Grint, the ginger kid…well, I guess ginger man, who plays Ron Weasley in the Harry Potter movies, has become awesome in The Hollywood Asshole’s eyes after he was quoted saying this, “”I met Lindsay (Lohan) last summer and she talked about herself a lot. She said she was going to win an Oscar before she turns 25. I just kept thinking, ‘But you can’t act.’”

We salute you, you red-haired limey.

Starting with this post, a new column on the blog will be dedicated to movies so terribly bad that they actually end up being more entertaining than most other films around. First, let’s take a look at…

Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky.

A 1991 action film from Hong Kong which had a very limited run in the US in 1993, this disasterpiece has gained quite a cult following. It is one of the most hilarious movies I’ve ever seen. In order to get you to see this, I will list just a few of the awesome things that happen in this movie…

-An endless amount of words of wisdom come from the film. An example includes Ricky’s uncle saying, “You were as strong as a bull, and so I named you Ricky.” Also, at one point the evil warden of the prison says, “I’m tougher than you think! The warden of any prison has to be the very best in kung-fu.”

-Illogical violence. One punch from Ricky can impale someone’s stomach. It seems as if his super strength can only be achieved after he has blood on his mouth, wipes it off with his finger, licks it, and then cracks the same three knuckles in his hand before performing these super punches.

-One of the main bad guys crushes peoples heads with his bare hands.

-Ricky gets cut in the arm and then proceeds to tie a knot with his own tendon in order to heal himself.

-At one point, one of the bad guys takes his own intestines and tries to strangle Ricky with them.

-Clearly one of the main bud guys that fights Ricky is a woman despite it being an all male prison.

-The evil warden has an extremely fat son who wears the same high socks and shorts throughout all his scenes…giggling almost the whole time.

-The assistant Warden has a fake eye that he likes to randomly take out at unnecessary times.

-All the other prisoners take it upon themselves to explain every little detail of what is going on to each other.

-The assistant warden blimps up after being shot by a gun that, for no reason at all, makes people explode.

I could go on and on, but with every single scene there is a treasure chest of hilarious lines, facial expressions, and plot holes to last a life time. Rent or buy this movie as soon as possible or else, as Ricky says, “you’ll die mutilated today!”

I mashed up two of the trailers for Horton Hears a Who and combined it with the trailer for The Dark Knight creating Horton Hears a Joker.

I edited the trailers for the Adam Sandler movie Don’t Mess With The Zohan and mashed it up with the trailer for the Pierce Brosnan music Mama Mia.

Horton Hears a Who: This is first and probably last time I’ll ever give a movie starring an elephant (sorry Operation Dumbo Drop 2) a good review with the exception of the possible prequel Horton Hatches an Egg. But, a good rating for this film is rightfully deserved. Beyond the fact that the voice acting is done by Jim Carrey, Steve Carrell, Carol Burnett, and others…it’s simply a great movie all around. The creators of the live action version of Cat in the Hat should have been as smart and made their movie animated as well…or possibly just not make it at all. If it was also completely animated, we would have just had to listen to Mike Myers act weird and stupid and not also see him in that ridiculous get up.

It was probably a much easier decision to make this animated because well…it stars a fucking elephant.

Working in child care for a pretty long time, I saw most of the recent kids films on Friday afternoons which was movie time, naturally. For the most part (and I’m looking at you SHREK), they were a far cry from the kids movies I grew up with: Toy Story, Lion King, etc. I was no longer seeing movies that had the humor and heart of those previously mentioned films, but instead I saw bullshit like ROBOTS.

Finally, here’s a movie that, sure, is based on a children’s books and aimed mostly at kids…but adults can truly enjoy. Gone are the faux-edgy jokes from recent animated kids movies that are supposed to make older people laugh, but instead are replaced with universal comedy that anybody can laugh at because well…it’s actually funny. I won’t go into the plot because most have read the book (or had it read to them) at some point in their lives.

Whether you’re a high school geek with a heart of a gold, soccer mom, or a UFC fighter, Horton will most likely make you laugh and smile at the “awww” moments. If they don’t, you’re probably Charles Manson.

Grade: A-

Drillbit Taylor: Let’s see what this movie has going for it: Co-written by Seth Rogan and Kristofor Brown (former Beavis & Butthead writer), produced by Judd Apatow, and starring Owen Wilson pre-suicide attempt, of course. Should be pretty damn good, right? On paper, it sure is a real winner. On the big screen it’s more of a mixed bag. It plays out like the son of Superbad meets the 80s classic My Bodyguard without the incredible amounts of laughs or heart.

“ok everyone say ’suicide’ on the count of three!”

But, on it’s own without comparing to other things, it’s definitely one of the more enjoyable movies released recently. Owen Wilson, being his usual self, completely delivers as the homeless man (who I guess spends all his quarters and dimes on perfect hair and a tan ) who lies to the kids in order to get the job as their bodyguard. Naturally, he’s the best part about the film. The young actors as the kids provide a lot of comic relief as well but some of their lines seemed like they probably worked better in the screenplay or in the writer’s head and not actually acted out on screen.

The choice of casting with the bullies was quite good and kinda odd at the same time. The bullies are played by Alex Frost, who played a tormented student harassed by bullies in Gus Van Sant’s Elephant, and then Josh Peck who is known as one half of the kiddie-duo Drake & Josh on Nickelodeon (or as I like to call him…”that kid on Nick who used to be pretty fat and now he’s skinny”). As the villains, they not only scare the living shit out of the kids, but also have some pretty funny scenes.

The film is pretty by the book and full of plenty high school movie clichés, but it also does exactly what it wanted to do: make the audience laugh.
Grade: B

21: There’s nothing quite like a book written about a true story turned into a movie with characters and important parts of the story completely changed. Why keep the exciting original story when you can make it a movie full of predictable plot turns and boring characters?

Follow the journey of the unlikable main character (and the actor’s annoying American accent) as he plays Blackjack a few times, gets his mentor Kevin Spacey mad at him, and then does some other stupid shit that you don’t really care about because he’s such a little runt. The movie does have it’s moments and can be quite entertaining, but most of the time it never exceeds being anything but the average Hollywood film aimed at teens who thought the Fast & the Furious was breathtaking. If George Clooney’s Danny Ocean character was dead, he’d be rolling in his grave right now. I would have much rather had the story based on the classic Family Ties episode where the Keatons go to Atlantic City and Alex makes the 98 step process on winning at Blackjack.
Grade: C-

Run Fat Boy Run: Simon Pegg (of Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz fame) plus Ross Gellar (David Schwimmer) directing plus Michael Ian Black writing the script should equal…well I’m not really sure. But, I do know the movie was still enjoyable enough to be worthwhile. While the script was re-written by Pegg, there’s still too much American-romantic comedy schlock thrown in to really get the feel of the Brit’s previous movies. But, that’s fine. It wasn’t a part of the Shaun/Hot Fuzz series. It’s instead it’s own movie.

Not being a part of that series and with sidekick Nick Frost nowhere to be found, the movie relies not enough on Pegg’s perfect comedic delivery but instead on an ensemble cast with the Simpson’s Hank Azaria, Dylan Moran (who also has an appearance in Shaun of the Dead), and some others who overall are quite good. But, the film still feels like it’s always missing something to make it a great comedy. It, however, still does exactly what any comedy sets out to do, and that’s make me, for the most part, laugh. It’s not perfect, but it’s a worthwhile comedy with some good moments.
Grade: B-