As every fan of Corey Feldman knows (all 9 of them), the sequel to the 80’s vampire dramedy classic is being released directly to DVD…and straight into our hearts. Apparently, Kiefer Sutherland even has a spooky son named Angus who will be in the movie. Sounds like a real winner.

Sadly, due to the incredible busy schedule caused by his countless amount of other projects, Alex Winter is not in the sequel.

In preparation for the highly anticipated release, here are some comments from the Internet Movie Database message board which is RED HOT these days.

“I can totally appreciate that some aren’t so enthusiastic but I’m gob smacked!! lol ”

“Ive created 3 Frog Brothers wallpapers. ”

“My oh my, those Sutherlands are an attractive family. I don’t know if it’s cause he’s a an evil vampire or cause he reminds me of Kiefer, but he looks really hott in this movie and I can’t wait to see it.”
“Hey bairdy,i have been holding back on posting untill i saw your name crop up!!
At first i thought nooooooooo it so cheesy but then Edgar appeared and even though it just a trailer you can tell he was acting his f uckin heart out.The music kicked in and it just got better and better.It has the same feel as the original in the second half of the trailer except the first vamp we see (hopefully he will be first come first staked) that was a little vampire humour by the way!! i swear
the further the trailer went i started to chokeup,i s hit you not.
Very happy,fingers crossed its all as good. ”

“Who are you to judge the people who enjoyed the trailer? ”

“I’m so psyched, i’ve watched the trailer about 12 times and it still looks awesome. I can’t pick any faults with it like most people are because some people are just hard to please… ”

“I’ve said my bit now…it has my 100% faith in it, now it just needs to deliver.
BRINT IT ON! ”

There’s no word yet on whether THIS GUY will reprise his role from the first movie…

Also, included in this wonderful post is another People That Look Like Other Dudes. Let’s take a look at the sweaty freak in the previous picture who was in the first movie, and see that he is possibly the alter ego of former WWF superstars Brutus the Barber Beefcake and British Bulldog.

That sweaty singing guy

That sweaty singing guy again

Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake

British Bulldog

There it is, folks.

“And don’t forget to pick up a copy of The Lost Boys 2 for friends, relatives, and immediate family whenever the hell it comes out.”

Man, have you ever seen a better looking group of fighters than in the upcoming movie “Never Back Down”?  Nothing like using the blonde, tone and tanned youth of Southern California to represent the violent underground world of street fighting.   Even the name of the main character is OC - Jake Tyler. Why not call him John Smith or Michael Jones?

But what I love most is the commercials, which deviate from my original topic, but make a point on today’s violent youth.  The commercial announcer says, “If you want respect, never back down.”  Isn’t that glorifying the train of thought that is turning today’s high school students into corpses? Whenever there is a gang shooting, a school shooting or just a plain ol’ killing in another form, it usually stems from a previous argument. The loser, well, never backed down.  He felt disrespected, so he tracked his opponent down later on and killed him.  He’s in jail now, but at least he’s respected.

While investigating what films were currently out the theatre (I won’t go there), I came across Doomsday, which you’ve no doubt seen plentiful commercials for already.

I could get into some P-A Poetry Slam about this obvious travesty being unleashed on mankind, but that would be far too easy. Instead, I want to link to something I came across while reading up on this movie.

“Why ‘punks’ in post-apocalyptic films?” A damn good question. Why punks in post-apocalyptic films?This unusually sane IMDB forum thread has a great discussion on the topic, and it’s a solid read. It’s a funny point that the only people you ever see in these films — like Mad Max — are the zany folks with green mohawks in 80’s arcades (the real ones, the neutered places like “Dave and Barry’s”. A point brought up in there is, wouldn’t the Young Republicans and other privileged elites be the ones running things? It would seem so.

While looking for the Doomsday image above, I also came across this webpage with this image of a true post-apocalyptic survivor. Supposedly, this dude is a remnant of Hiroshima. Dunno if it’s for real, but an interesting look anyway.

EDIT: That picture’s Hiroshima theme is supposedly bogus, but here is a GREAT site with a ton of End of the World scenarios. Like, whoa man!

No, really, it’s pretty sweet. Check it out.

My friend Dave and none other than the ancient, belly showing, squiggly dancing, leading front man for the Rolling Stones…Mick Jagger.

Dave

Mick

And now for really no reason at all…here is mighty Mick dancing on stage.

Simply put, this movie sucks massive Wooly Mammoth cock with some Saber Tooth testicles thrown in for good measure. I could sit here and talk about the historical inaccuracies like most critics in the universe already have, but I’ll hold back. In the opening narration it’s even explained that what we are about to see is a “legend” so I was expecting more of a fairy tale than a PBS documentary anyway.

Honestly, it’s ok that these are a bunch of Cavemen speaking proper English. It’s ok that a lot of the people in this movie seem to be modeled after…

Counting Crows lead singer Adam Duritz.

Who of course got his look from…

Bart Simpson’s arch rival and sometimes civil friend: Sideshow Bob.

Enough of that though. Back to the matter at hand: the disaster that is 10,000 BC. It’s ok that somehow, the men within the same “tribe” or whatever had varying accents that ranged from Tony Montana-like-Spanish to stereotypical Apu-like-Gas Station workers all the way to some kind of crappy weird Irish bullshit. It’s, however, NOT ok that right after they have extremely civilized conversations where each character is left with enough imparting wisdom to last decades, that they then eat food like a starving kidnapped cheerleader who found some old Cocoa Puffs under the refrigerator near where she is chained up. Grunting and being obnoxious, they shove food in their mouth like Clay Aiken rams a ripe ol’ wee-wee between his lips.

“You got that right!”

Also, for an epic adventure movie directed by the freak who was at the helm of Independence Day and the Day After Tomorrow, you’d think the special effects would be pretty good, right? My how the mighty have fallen. At no point do the special effects look remotely real…or even special for that matter. At any given time, I expected the actors to simply walk into the green screen and fall over. Then again, this is the same guy who directed the 1998 remake of Godzilla starring Ferris Bueller and stood there while the special effects guy took the word “dogshit” to a new level.

Footage from the remake of Godzilla in 1998

So, besides the special effects and laughable accents/acting and whatnot, what’s so bad about this movie, you ask? It includes every single adventure movie cliché known to caveman. Instead of doing it well and wearing these influences proudly on their sleeve, they come off more like a cum stain on their sleeves and hands. It’s gross, actually. I won’t even name all the clichés, instead just watch the actual good movies that this film steals-uh I mean borrows them from.

When it comes down to it, this movie does not contain one redeeming factor. It must have good action, right!? Besides from the climax, there really isn’t much action at all. You know it’s a problem when the most suspenseful part of the movie is when the audience is wondering if a fake looking/computer generated retard Sabre Tooth tiger is going to bite a bunch of scared Africans.

GRADE: F

p.s. I really had no place to talk about this in the review…but the main bad guy in the film has extremely long Howard Hughes-esque fingernails for no reason at all. That’s all.

p.s.s. Because I mentioned Sideshow Bob, it’s only right that I name drop Sideshow Mel as well. He’s always feeling left out so this feels right. Here he is in all his glory…

In the upcoming weeks and months and hopefully centuries, I’ll watch all the buzzed about movie trailers so you don’t have to. Sick of wasting money on a movie you didn’t think was worth it? Feel like you’re gonna blow chunks because you are so lazy you can’t even bring yourself to watch a two minute preview anymore? It’s all ok. I’m here.

For those who don’t know, Speed Racer is an upcoming movie by the washed up sci-fi fucks who directed the Matrix movies. Judging from the preview, it looks truly horrendous. But, you just might enjoy it if…

If having a level 5 seizure is your idea of a rompin‘ good time. If that’s the case then Speed Racer will delight you to no end. In this dazzling preview, you get to watch as the camera moves in circles with bright and vibrant colors that are just aching for you to fall over, hit your head on a desk, and have foam come out of your mouth.

If extremely insightful and deep acting is your thing, you’ll be very happy to know that 96 time Academy Award winner John Goodman stars as Speed Racer’s dad. Hear him spew out words of wisdom in this preview such as, “You can’t drive a car and change the world. It doesn’t work like that!” John Goodman ladies and gentlemen. Also, more insightful and deep acting is on display when Speed Racer explains why he races, “For my family it isn’t just a sport. It’s way more important than that. It’s like…a religion.” Yes. A religion.
If poetry is your thing, you’ll be ecstatic to know that at some point some dude yells at Speed Racer and rhymes , “YOU WALK AWAY FROM THIS DEAL, NO MATTER HOW WELL YOU DRIVE YOU WON’T WIN, YOU WON’T PLACE, I GUARANTEE YOU RIGHT NOW YOU WON’T EVEN FINISH THE RACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” This, of course, is all said while the camera spins around in a circle with weird colors everywhere.

If you wish to subject yourself, here’s the trailer.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tO2jcwgIi8o

While some celebrities are out doing drugs, neglecting their children or flashing their cunkers, Katie Price and her freakish bellybutton are busy trying to create erections. How pure and refreshing! The easily mistaken for a tranny hooch launched her new line of undergarments and invited some “everyday fans” along to model. I did not know just how diverse her fan base was. There was a hairless ape in the bunch. Someone tried convincing me that gigantor was in fact just one big bitch, as in, ya know, “woman”, but I know that God would not create such a beast on earth with us, even with that “bad thing” my brother Tad does nightly since his girlfriend left him.

Lucky for Katie, I’m not much of a clothes wearing type o’ gal myself. Right John? Yes, I see you staring at me through the hole in your cubicle. Feel free to take a gander, it’s all real - except for the track lighting on my abs, that’s from Home Depot.

A couple more pics after the jump … (more…)

There’s that old saying…if something sucks and gets old very quickly then why fix it? If you couldn’t get enough of Will Ferrell playing the pompous, clueless, loud, and out of touch character in Anchorman, Talladega Nights, and Blades of Glory; you’re in luck. Ferrell plays this character full force in this comedy that feels longer than Ben-Hur. Do you like to watch a movie and then have absolutely random things thrown in for good measure? Be amazed at Will Ferrell roller skating over 40 women or wrestling a killer bear.

Just like Dewey Cox, Tim Meadows cameo was the funniest part of the whole movie. But, instead of having the actual funny character of Tim Meadows and Will Arnett used more prominently, instead we get Will Ferrell screaming nonsense and Woody fucking Harrelson as some sort of bad ass veteran. The often funny Daily Show alums Rob Corddry and Matt Walsh were also basically wasted.

I’ll admit, I loved Anchorman. I however wasn’t a very big fan of Ron Burgundy racing a car, ice skating, and now playing basketball. Sure, there is still money to be made so I’m guessing we’ll get a few more Will Ferrell movies like this. It’s a damn shame because he can be a funny guy but now he is slowly but surely turning into that obnoxious friend like on Seinfeld where Jerry wanted to break up with him. Will Ferrell, it’s not you. It’s me. Really.

I can think of a lot of things that were funnier than this movie. This cover of WWF magazine for example.

GRADE: D

NBC touted a mid-season show called Quarterlife, based off a faux-Internet “vlog” about six friends in Manhattan.  It was cancelled after one episode because, well, it sucked.

Let’s analyze why it sucked.  Firstly, Quarterlife is based off the term “Quarterlife Crisis,” where people who are in their mid-20’s begin to panic because either a) life isn’t turning out as they dreamed in school, b) they do not have a boyfriend/girlfriend while other friends are getting married, c) their career isn’t proceeding etc. etc. etc. blah blah blah…

Let’s take a look at the cast of Quarterlife:

What possible quarterlife crisis can these six good-looking people have? Did they accidentally delete an mp3 of Vampire Weekend that they loved off their laptop? My god, the three women are fucking models! If any guy knows chicks that hot, he is not having a quarterlife crisis. No, this show clearly doesn’t know what a quarterlife crisis is. Do you know who’s having a quarterlife crisis? This guy:

This guy is realizing, “Holy shit, I’m 25 and I’ve never had sex nor have I kissed a girl. These people on Quarterlife are complaining that this girl likes this other guy while this other girl likes him…and that’s their fucking crisis. I would cut off my big toe - not the little pointless toe that evolution is slowly suffocating - no, my big fucking toe, just to be in a situation where a woman is involved. I’m fucking 25 and I never got to experience high school romance, college sex romps or post-college anxiety. Why? Because I’m not a fucking model and I’m not fucking rich. I can’t afford to move out of my parents’ basement and my best friend is addicted to meth and also lives in his parents’ basement. Now it’s too late, I’ll never get those years back because I’m fucking 25. But these beautiful people on Quarterlife on NBC are BLOGGING, so I guess they MUST understand me. What a fucking crock of shit. I’m going back to sleep under my blankets because my life sucks. THAT is a quarterlife crisis, you dumb motherfuckers. Go screw.”

Uh…so, yeah. I’m glad it was cancelled after one episode.