That’s right, they’re back.

 Unless your completely socialy inept, you have heard that Stone Temple Pilots have reunited, and I for one couldn’t be happier. 

One of the great bands to emerge from the grunge music scene that made it cool in the early 90’s to be as fucking dirty looking as possible.  They’re sound was compared to a lot of different bands, certain people saying they sound like “everyone else out there” at the time.  But as time progressed, the musical social scene did as well as the sound of the Stone Temple Pilots.  They went on to make amazing records like Core and Purple, and then later making cd’s that were good like No. 4, Tiny Music and Shangra-La Dee Da. Sure, the later sounds before they broke up were not nearly as good as their earlier records, but each disc had some songs that have a place in my heart. 

 And this is why, when I heard they were reuniting, I couldn’t wait to hear for concert dates or rumors of a new album.  This is why, I will be glad to drive one and a half hours into the middle of hell (New Jersey) to see them and to spend probably 50 dollars on a concert ticket.  This is why, this will probably be one of the best concerts, if not the best concert I will ever see. 

 Just try to listen to this song and not love it.  I dare you.

The mind-controlled gaming headset is on it’s way and it promises to read your thoughts, (versus using a manually operated proxy interface). Sound scary? Well it is. The Emotiv EPOC and is a lightweight and sleek neuroheadset unveiled at the Game Developers conference in San Francisco, and will set you back an estimated $299. You can use it to map different thought waves to perform different actions in video games, and it will positively perform according to the player’s mind. Accoring to EPOC Designs:

The Emotiv headset uses a set of sensors to tune into electric signals naturally produced by the brain to detect player thoughts, feelings and expression. It connects wirelessly with all game platforms from consoles to PCs.

It is slated to recognize 30 different emotions, to name several …

Immersion, excitement, meditation, tension and frustration; facial expressions such as smile, laugh, wink, crossed eyes, shock (eyebrows raised), anger (eyebrows furrowed), horizontal eye movement, smirk and grimace (clenched teeth); and cognitive actions such as push, pull, lift, drop and rotate (on six different axis) as well as a completely new category of action based on visualization, the first of which is the ability to make objects disappear.

Beta testing sessions for this puppy will finally be held in March and April of 2008. While I am sure there will be definite issues in detecting the exact degree of what one player is doing - or thinking - I say, forget gaming, I want to be able to control basic computing using this baby as a secondary interface! Imagine, “Oh, this website is lame” I burrow my eyebrows, and the browser is x’ed out. “I’m just not in the mood to listen to “The Final Countdown” right now!”, I sit akimbo and it skips to another favrotie track of mine. And then, just between you and I, I can set it up where every time my boyfriend watches amateur porn online (pervert) it closes out when he winks. Mwahahaha! Evil? Psh, semantics!

*Video of Emtoiv in action after the Jump …

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Not literally…but I wouldn’t put it past Lohan.

 In 1962, Monroe took some pictures with Bert Stern, when she was drunk in a hotel room.  These are the last photos that are taken before her death and this group of photos are known as “The Last Sitting.”

46 years later, Bert Stern wants to resurrect the idea behind “The Last Sitting” with Lindsay Lohan, which are displayed in the latest issue of New York Magazine.  Except there are few differences between the two.  The first difference being that Marilyn Monroe was attractive, Lohan really is not.  Scroll up, take a good look at her.  Can you really say she is attractive?  Oh sure, her boobs look great.  They look real and fantastic, you can’t take that away from her.  But the rest of her body makes me want to wretch in pure disgust. 

Number one flaw, she’s got freckles all over her body.  She is a ginger kid (red hair and freckles all over for you socially inept people) and that is not helping her in the pictures.  It looks like she is trying to fight off a horrible case of small pox.  The last thought that crosses my mind when I see a hot girl is “Oh man, I hope she’s disease ridden.”

Another distinguishing fact between the two is that Marilyn was a good actress and Lindsay really isn’t.  Marilyn has received awards for a few of her films, including Golden Globe awards for “Some Like It Hot” and “Bus Stop.”  Lindsay has also won awards as well, but not quite as prestigious as Marilyn.  I guess she doesn’t really need it.  I bet every night she falls into her favorite recliner, pops the top of her favorite drink (a cold can of Busch Light,) sits back and looks up at her Nickelodeon Kids Choice awards.  And while she marvels at those little orange blimps, she thinks to her self and smiles upon the fact that she got to act in “Herbie Fully Loaded” with “Multiplicity” Michael Keaton and Justin Long.  I guess that’s truly an award in itself.

“No, Tammy, I will not be put on hold. Does your worthless boss — my agent — know what I just spent 45 minutes doing? Standing in front of a blue screen saying crap like ‘Destro is going to use the Plant Evolution Transmogrifier to turn the Amazon rain forest into the world’s largest oil field!’ What kind of shit is that? The guy who played Darth Maul was wearing pajamas and ski goggles while jumping around with ninja swords! What the hell did I sign up for?

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Yesterday Lucasfilm, et al. released the first trailer for Indiana Jones and Thank God Steven Spielberg is Directing. No Nazis in this one. Now those Soviet bastards are the trouble makers. The film’s plot revolves around Roswell, New Mexico, ancient pyramids in MiddleEastMexicoSouthAmericaAfrica and jokes about old men losing their hats.

Filmmakers aren’t divulging the key plot points or whether Shia LeBeouf is a homo or just incredibly overrated.

The Hollywood Asshole proudly presents: Real Men of YouTube Genius

“Reeeeal Men of YouTube Geeeeeniuuuuus.”

Today we salute you, Mr. Mugen Fanboy.

“Mr. Mugen Faaaanbooooooy!”

While Mugen is a pretty fucking cool program in the right hands, you take it to heights that is downright pathetic.  Editing Deadpool, Havok or The Thing and creating your own Marvel vs. Capcom 3: hell yes…editing schoolgirl characters from anime shows into these games: hell no.

“That is so kawaiiiiiii!”

When uploading the fights you have in Mugen, which may be semi-entertaining, you decide to incorporate a story into it.  The explanation of the video becomes a long, drawn-out fanfic, which consists of one cup of sad, two tablespoons of loneliness and a big ol’ helping of suck.

“So then Strong Guy from X-Factor meets Haruhi Suzumiya on a bus and the two like each other but Strong Guy is afraid to tell her’s a mutant but she already knows ’cause she’s like psychic and stuff and they fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!”

But we must not ignore that Mugen Fanboy truly has a gift.  Spending hours editing the 8-bit Mario into a 2-D fighting game for no profit is a testament to the kindness and lack of life you have.  You dare ask the question, “What if Shredder from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Guy Gardner got into a fight?” and you know the answer is within yourself.  After spending time creating these characters when you should have been out finding a girlfriend or checking on your grandmother to see if she fell into the toilet again, you pit the two foes against each other, upload the fight into YouTube, and are welcomed with a sea of comments calling the characters “gAY.”

“Who the hell is Guy Gardneeeerrr?”

And so we salute you, Mr.  Mugen Fanboy.

“Mr. Mugen Faaanboooooy….”

The Hollywood Asshole.  New York, New York.

The Hollywood Asshole proudly presents: Real Men of YouTube Genius

“Reeeeal Men of YouTube Geeeeeniuuuuus.”

Today we salute you, Mr. Negative Comment Retard.

“Mr. Negative Comment Retaaaaaaard!”

Your sole purpose in life is to comment on every YouTube video.  Not only that, but you must comment that you disapprove of it using moronic online phrases.  Then, and only then, do you feel that you have accomplished something with your day.

“FAILLLLLLL!”

The video can be something truly amazing, like a guy jumping over ten flaming cars using only a skateboard while grabbing onto a passing pelican and flying off into the sunset, but among the sea of positive and glowing comments, you say something like, “Big deal.  I did that once over eleven cars.  Fail.”  Then as people begin to flame you, you sit back and laugh, because that is the kind of satisfaction that gets you off, making one wonder how people like you functioned before the Internet came about.

“Lonely outcasts that eventually killed themselves through auto-erotic asphyxiation…”

Let us not forget the challenge you have with spelling.  Maybe you were in a rush before your shift at Long John Silver’s or maybe you’re just one of those people who went to the “Resource Room” during test time in high school, but whatever the reason, typing out words like “because” or “the” poses an incredible challenge to you time and time again.

“Bcause teh vid was boring!”

And so we salute you, Mr.  Negative Comment Retard.

“Mr. Negative Comment Retaaaaaard…”

The Hollywood Asshole.  New York, New York.

The Hollywood Asshole proudly presents: Real Men of YouTube Genius.

“Reeeeal Men of YouTube Geeeeeniuuuuus.”

Today we salute you, Mr. Doing Something Apparently Impressive in World of Warcraft Guy.

“Mr. Doing Something Apparently Impressive in World of Warcraft Guuuuy!”

Your level 70 blue creature is just swinging an axe at a very large monster while other players shoot fireballs at it over and over.  Eight minutes later, the monster is dead.  Apparently that monotonous and downright boring feat is so impressive that it warranted creating a video and posting it on YouTube for all to see.

“I totally pwned it!”

You also grace us with added music of your choice.  You always select one of the three: screaming metal bands that are downright terrible, techno/house/electronika music that reeks of thick gayness, or a funny song like the one played when Benny Hill chased well-endowed young lasses in fast motion.

“Wish I was old enough to go to a raaaave!”

But you don’t just upload movies of you and your friends downing monsters.  You also explain how to raid other towns, find secret locations or just show people around this online world, all the while inserting title cards to explain what you’re doing, using the lamest gaming buzzwords this side of Faggot Hill.

“Next time we run MC, sheep one of the core hounds while I rush in and pull aggroooooo!” ***

And so we salute you, Mr.  Doing Something Apparently Impressive in World of Warcraft Guy.

“Mr. Doing Something Apparently Impressive in World of Warcraft Guuuuuuy…”

The Hollywood Asshole.  New York, New York.

***Thank you, Onion A.V. Club

The Hollywood Asshole proudly presents: Real YouTube Men of Genius 

“Reeeeal Men of YouTube Geeeeeniuuuuus”

Today we salute you, Mr. Family Guy Steals from The Simpsons Compilation Dude.

“Mr. Family Guy Steals from The Simpsons Compilation Duuuuude!”

Determined to prove that Family Guy is inferior to the aging and painfully unfunny Simpsons, you boot up iMovie and spend hours piecing together segments from both shows that only vaguely resemble each other, and claim throughout the Internet that Family Guy rips The Simpsons off.

“Oh my God, both families saw their dog humping at a dog race track!”

Although South Park should have silenced all of you people years ago with the “Simpsons Already Did It” episode, you struggle onward, releasing new evidence that Seth MacFarlane is a copycat.  Thousands and thousands of people die in Darfur every month, but you use your time and energy to prove to some 12-year old in Pig’s Knuckle, Arkansas that the scene where a bird keeps eating Peter’s popcorn is ripping off the scene where puppies keep eating Homer’s chips.

“Oh my God, they should be arrested!”

And so we salute you, Mr. Family Guy Steals from the Simpsons Compilation Dude.

“Mr. Family Guy Steals from the Simpsons Compilation Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude…”

The Hollywood Asshole.  New York, New York.

The PolyStation 3, a blatant PlayStation 3 rip off is here, and it’s a steaming pile of dogshit. Particularly right after the dog ate a heaping plate of beans and corn. You can’t even plug this 100% cheap plastic, battery powered baby into a television. Instead, it has a mini (ridiculous) screen that “pops” out for your viewing pleasure. Like most imitation products, it is a total let down.

This reminds me of the time we decided against splurging on a trip to Disney World, but instead ventured to the local mall carnival. Halfway through our ferris wheel ride, it broke down! We were stuck in our cart, which was thankfully near ground. Thankfully, or so I thought. That’s when a carnie, dressed like a perve drenched clown, came over and said he was “working out the kinks”. Seemed fine, until he pulled down his clown pants and flashed my little brothers Timmy, Kip and myself his anatomical mix up. What a nightmare. A contorted, wrinkly, vomit inducing nightmare. At least when the characters at Disney take their costumes off and the “magic” is lost, I don’t lose my freaken lunch with it. Ugh.