The Critic was good show.  I was furious when it was cancelled (twice), but when I watched reruns of it in college, I understood why it got cancelled.  Recycled animation, numerous weak jokes (”We can George Bush ‘Puke-san.’”), jokes that were used over and over but weren’t that funny the first time, movie gags used more than once (”Scent of a Wolfman” and “Scent of a Jackass”), a clip show after only 20 episodes, non-stop New York City bashing at a time when the city already shed its past image, and most notably, pointless secondary characters (Jay’s son and sister were a waste of script).  Only one character in the show was a classic.  That was Jay Sherman’s boss, Duke Phillips.

Duke, who was loosely based of Ted Turner, had some of the best lines in the series.  When he was running for President, he was amazed that women and the Irish were allowed to vote, forcing him to take down posters of him kicking a Leprechaun while reading, “IRISH SUCK!  VOTE DUKE!”  When asked his religion, he responded, “Like most of the cultural elite, I worship Pan, the goat god.”  When Duke was going to kill himself, he told Jay that he could eat his brain, for “it will give you power.”

And who can forget his suggestion that Jay get a little black boy for his show.  “He can call you Uncle Jay and you can call him Lil’ Shabazz.”  Ah, and Duke’s lesson that donations are best done anonymously, only to be reminded that the Duke Phillips’ Hospital just outside the window has a giant talking statue of him that announces over and over, “ALL HAIL DUKE!  DUKE IS LIFE!”  Then a pigeon flies into the automated mouth and is crushed. Duke replies, “Huh.  Pigeon’s seem to like the sound of my voi-” and suddenly, another pigeon flies into Duke’s actual mouth and he is forced to swallow it.

Here’s to you, Duke Phillips.  You were too beautiful for this world.

I shudder to think of America’s future after viewing what is being fed to them these days:

Good fucking god. My brain feels as if it was just plunged by motherfucking Zeke “the Plumber”. Is this some type of conspiracy hatched by countries like China and India in an attempt to dethrone us as a world power? It’s fucking ingenius and insidious. They let loose these “Wiggles” on our youth, hoping to devolve their brains into mashed potatoes. Then what are we left with? Cabbage-brained kids that have to wear smocks 24/7 so they don’t make a god damn mess of themselves?!

I know the shows we watched in our formative years like Sesame Street, Mr. Rogers — and heck, even fucking Pinwheel — at the very least helped us grow a little and understand the world around us. I mean, they taught us shit like MATH and ENGLISH, you know, the mommafucking cornerstones of our society! That hook-nosed bitch from Pinwheel may have haunted my dreams, but at least it built character! This Wiggles shit is just a total mind-fuck! LORD SAVE OUR SOULS!

I have got to say, after watching the latest episode of The Simpsons (”Husbands and Knives”), I am SO shocked by how bad the show has gotten.  It’s not even the whole “not funny” argument.  That’s tired.  The show hasn’t been hilarious since season 11, save for random specks of brilliant episodes, but those are few and far in between.  The writers simply don’t know how to write.  They actually do not finish writing an episode!  I’m being completely serious.  They just forget plot points and never complete them, but I’ll get to that later.

Honestly, these writers have the balls to berate Family Guy?  At least Family Guy was BASED on being ridiculous and stupid.  It never pretended to be anything else.  The show was MADE to be pointless and have random cutaway gags.  That’s why I watch it.  I expect more from The Simpsons.  At least South Park semi-defended Family Guy while bashing it.  What do The Simpsons’ writers have to say?  “I’m awesome because I’m a new writer on The Simpsons for season thirty-fucking-seven?”  They fucking act like a douche from Cornell who looks down on Ithaca College because it’s not Ivy League.  It’s like being all pompous because you’re a football player on Notre Dame although the program is utter and complete shit compared to its past.

Do the writers think their show is actually better than Family Guy?  There is no doubt that The Simpsons during seasons 1-8 were groundbreaking and nothing can hold a candle to it.  But holy shit, now?  The writers now have no right to say anything because they were not the ones writing those episodes.  It’s all new people, save for a choice few, but those few have scripts that are rewritten by others so much that it becomes a piece of crap.

In “Husband and Knives,” the main plot was established that Comic Book Guy was being put out of business by a new comic book shop with a cool owner named Milo (Jack Black, who did a nice job).  I have to say, it started off very well.  I even called my roommate over to hear Jack Black’s voice during commercial.  After the commercial break, the show focused on the “B” plot, which was Marge opening a female gym, but the show never went back to Comic Book Guy and Milo.  My roommate never heard Jack Black.   What…the fuck…happened…to the entire other plot?  They just stopped writing about it!  It was never resolved!  They totally changed plots after ten minutes!  What kind of fucking shit is that?  Jesus fucking Christ, that’s like Writing for Television 101 shit right there!

 Mother of fuck, the episode sucked also!  They ditched a good plot with potential for hilarity for some shit about Homer worrying Marge will leave him for the fifty-fifth damn time!  I would fire those idiots!  Who cares if they can’t write funny - they can’t even put together a logical script!  The structure of the show is literally falling apart!  The writers actually believe they’re the cream of the cartoon writing crop?  I spit on the writing staff.  What a bunch of non-talented hacks.  Oh, you’re saying “You’re just some guy blogging at work.  You think you can you do better?”  Honestly?  YES, I CAN!  I CAN WRITE AN EPISODE OF THE SIMPSONS THAT COMPLETES A FUCKING PLOT!  MOST KIDS IN MIDDLE SCHOOL CAN!

Piece of shit show.  I used to love you.

“She needs to lose thirty pounds or gain sixty.  Anything in between has no place on television.”

This kind of shit makes my blood boil.  Australia wants all of their Santa Claus’ to say “Ha-Ha-Ha” instead of “Ho-Ho-Ho” because the word “ho” is an offensive slang word in America.

God, if you’re listening … just end it now.  I mean come on.  You are going to let this bull shit happen?  I mean you fucking invented Santa Claus.  He’s your son … or step-son … or second cousin … and they are going to make a mockery of him.

In related news, Rosie O’Donnell is boycotting Australia.  She says what they are doing is very offensive to her favorite snack cake.

In lieu of another snapshot of Jessica Simpson, Jessica Alba, Amy Winehouse, Britney Spears or any other of the usual tabloid fodder, I bring you this:

Why yes indeed, that is a picture of Sting and RoboCop.

I just wanted us all to remember a simpler time when bleached blonde men in tights with facepaint would hold pow-wows with half-man/half-cyborgs to discuss the best ways to right this crazy world of ours. Those were the days my friends, those were the days.

Look into the eyes/visors of the 1.5 men in the picture above. In the distance, beyond the yearning for another dose of crack-cocaine, you can see the landscape of a better time. A world we loved. Better yet, a world we knew. Days when a pro wrestler could take a hit of acid, step out into the arena and watch the audience melt before his eyes. Days when RoboCop was hit with an “X” rating before it came out, largely due to excessive 80s violence featuring toxic waste-riddled bad guys exploding after being hit with cars.

We came off the tracks somewhere along the way — probably around the time RoboCop 3 (that FARCE) was made — but we can still find a way back. In fact, I have a simple, two-step plan.

1. Ditch the NC- 17 rating and bring back the sexier X rating. God it makes me horny looking at that X. Take your pulse if an X-rating doesn’t give you wood or — for da ladies! — perk dem nipples up.
2. Let pro wrestlers do fucking HARDCORE drugs before PPV events. If Booker T isn’t huffing glue before a match and Shawn Michaels isn’t doing lines off of Triple H’s cock, count me the FUCK out!

Yeah, and that should do it.

Remember the good ol’ days when celebrities who were addicted to drugs and alcohol died?  I miss those days, the days of River Phoenix, John Belushi and Chris Farley.  It made for good news and it taught the lesson that drugs and alcohol are bad when consumed in excess.  It rarely happens anymore.  I guess the last time it happened was when Anna Nicole Smith kicked the bucket in February, but when was the time before that?

Case in point: Amy Winehouse.  This woman is a walking wreck of a human being.  She’s a drunk, a druggie, her husband is in jail, her family begs her to go to rehab (resulting in her hit song “Rehab”) and she can’t even finish her own concerts (if she decides to attend at all).  The latest case happened in her native England, when Winehouse literally stumbled onto stage a half an hour late and then collided with a guitar stand.  The crowd was already booing and it only increased due to Winehouse’s incoherent singing.  To counter, she threatened that her incarcerated husband Blake Fielder-Civil would kick their asses.  In the middle of her last song, Winehouse dropped her microphone and walked off the stage.

I really wish Amy Winehouse was dead.  I mean, why isn’t Death granting her the wish she clearly desires?  I keep wondering why the Hiltons, Lohans and Richies of the world aren’t dead and it got me thinking that maybe they don’t abuse coke, meth and vodka as much as we think.  Maybe they’re just merely overrated party girls, but the media exaggerates them to be on par with Hunter S. Thompson when it comes to indulging on illegal substances.  It also worries me that they’re all women.  Where is the media on the celebrity dudes who are one knock away from Death’s door?  Lately it seems to be all about females.  Winehouse has to die to send an example to young girls everywhere.  Please Death, if you’re reading this, let Amy Winehouse drink that extra drop of rum so her liver explodes.  Thank you.  Amen.

Jessica Alba has recently stated that she wants to move to New York City.  “I was like, ‘How do I move to New York?’” said Alba. ”It’s a great city (and) everywhere you look there’s art and restaurants and people are, like, on the move, it’s very progressive. People talk to you, they interact. It’s not like that in L.A.  In L.A. everyone’s in their car and they’re honking at you or spitting their cigarette or their gum out at you.”

 What Alba doesn’t realize is that when people interact with you in New York City, it’s usually to say, “Get the fuck out of my way.” And people still spit their cigarette or their gum at you, they just don’t do it from a car.

There is no picture with this entry because I’m at work and don’t want to be spotted looking at skimpy Jessica Alba pictures on Google Image Search.

I don’t know what it is, but this is the second time I have picked on Jessica Simpson in here. Mean? Nah, I call it smart journalism folks. This time Jess isn’t out selling clothes, but shit I wish she were, because this time she’s trying to, ahem, “act” again. She plays the role of a, waaaiiit for it … SOLDIER. I haven’t seen Dukes of Hazard or that other flick she was in with Dane Dickbag Cook, but something tells me her roles are always exactly what they look like. “Come see this mov-JESSICA SIMPSON’S TITS.” Hmm. Well Jess, while your bodacious rack just may be a portal to the magical world of Narnia, this trailer has me even more convinced that you have the IQ of a thermos. Aw, don’t be sad Jess. I know going from playing a Catherine Bach rip off to the part of a Goldie Hawn hack was a big leap for you. An even bigger leap than the fact that Steve Gutenberg is … in this movie too? Steve Gutenberg in a movie? Wait no, it’s not bigger than that, sorry. But come on Jess, chin up, cheer up. Just turn sideways and, ahh, that’s a girl.

Whatever happened to predictability? The milk man, the paperboy, and evening T.V.?!

Well that is a good question you propose there generic 1980’s sitcom singer man, who may or may not have also sung the Family Matters theme song. A very good question indeed.

Well as of right now the Screen Writers Guild strike has made an impact on such shows as The Office, and Desperate Housewives … and to that I propose the question …

How about all of you writers leave and never come back. PLEASE! GET OUT OF MY LIFE!

Let us start off with the CBS show Rules of Engagement. You know the writers have done something terribly wrong off the bat when David Spade is cast as “The Cool Guy”.

Spade, know your fucking role, OK buddy? You are the geeky side-kick or a condescending prick, or both rolled up into one. Nothing else. Got it?

You will never be cool, hasn’t your 1 1/2 inch dick already taught you that? I don’t care if you dated Heather Locklear briefly and now somehow believe that will somehow change your image for good. Her mind was overloaded with Richie Sambora semen and she could not make rational choices.

YOU ARE NOT COOL SPADE, END OF STORY.

Moving on to Back to You starring Patricia Heaton and Kelsey Grammar.

Well both of these actors are really stepping out of their normal roles with this one. Kelsey Grammar is starring as a pompous asshole, and Patricia Heaton is … get this …

A BITCH!

WOW! Kudos to them for taking on such difficult roles. You’ve really got to respect them for it!

As for the name of the show, how clever! Not only is it a phrase that news anchors often use, but Kelsey Grammar’s character is joining back up with his former co-anchor after a long separation. A double entendre if you will! Genius!

Not only that, they had sex once … and she didn’t like it! WHOOOAAAA I can feel the sexual tension!

What about The Big Bang Theory.

It is about some nerds and a hot chick. Should we assume that the show is about the nerds studying up on the Big Bang, or are they really just studying how to Bang her. ANOTHER PLAY ON WORDS! HOW FUNNY!

Unless there is an episode in which the hot girl gets a test tube shoved in her pussy, I refuse to watch this show.

As a matter of fact, I’ve never watched any of these shows, I’ve only been angered by their commercials. To all those who say, “How can you talk shit about something you’ve never even watched”?, I answer by saying …

FUCK YOU.

That is all, join me next time when I review Cavemen and Carpoolers.