When you say Hollywood bad boy, you get a guy who drinks a lot and maybe shoves a photographer or two.

When you say Bollywood bad boy, you get a guy who was involved in terrorist bombings.

Sanjay Dutt, a Bollywood movie star, was recently released from jail after being granted bail.  He was charged with illegal possession of weapons linked to the bombings in the city of Mumbai, which killed 257 people.

Next time someone says that Russell Crowe is a bad boy for throwing a phone at some bellhop, laugh in their face.

All good things in life should come in permanent and inseparable two’s. Peanut butter and jelly, football and enormous tailgates, me and George Clooney and, of course, art and cocktails. German arteest H.Broecker knows exactly what I mean. A new exhibition in Dresden, Germany featured his piece “Drink Away The Art”. Several flat, plastic containers were mounted onto the wall, which dispensed fruity and colorful cocktails.  Mmm … cocktails. Glasses were placed on the floor, where visitors could snag one, get right and then wander like staggering idiots through the city streets, flashing their privates and blaming “the art, man”. And for those of you who hate art, this little interactive diddy puts a hole in your liquor soaked blanket, sorry. Awesome, awesome invention.

This reminds me of that time in preschool when our art activity of the day was to blow bubbles into heavily pigmented paint water through a straw. I accidentally drank some it - whoops. I was embarrassed of course, and felt like a moron at first, but not as moronic as the middle aged preschool teachers who let their four-year-olds take a straw to PAINT WATER.

Santana, enough already, please.

This time you have just gone too far. We all realize that you can’t sell records anymore on your own, you need fresh faces from the world of popular music to spruce up your image, you’ve been doing this for almost a decade now. We get it.

But when I turn on my television and see Nickelback’s Chad Kroeger with feathered blonde hair singing …

“Hey O Ey Yo Hey yo Hey … and we danced on through the night,” while sexy latinos dance around in the background, it became clear to me that Carlos is running out ideas.

Sexing up Chad Kroeger is the equivalent of putting a spoonful of sugar on a pile of diarrhea, you might be trying to help, but the end result is still revolting.

You know, once I had to interview this wheelchair-bound badass for my newspaper job:

The guy was cool and all, but fuck, now I have to worry about having AIDS because the motherfucker breathed on me. Fuck, I even shook his hand! If this photo above was taken before the interview last year, I definitely have the HIV virus. No doubt about it. There is no way I’m not AIDS-ridden. I mean jesus, look how close the guy is to Trishelle — the walking, talking AIDS-case! And he even has his tongue out?

Did he just straight up ask her if he could have some of her delicious AIDS? “Hello Trishelle, you fine looking slutwagon you. Hmmm … I’ve always wondered about your name, ‘Trishelle’. Was your father Irish and your mother White Trash, or was it the other way around? Oh, by the way, would you mind if I tasted your HIV Virus? Oh goodie! Cheerio!”

Motherfucker, it was bad enough having to worry about contracting “crippled” from the guy, but now I have this AIDS spectre to fucking haunt my dreams at night.

The first knock-off light up saber is now on the market for anyone too antsy to wait on practicing their sabering skills with their wii controller. The thing is, Star Wars: The Force Unleashed, isn’t available until some time next year. So basically you’re practicing for nothing in my opinion, and this little toy ultimately becomes a short, thin, pathetically incapable dildo in the mean time. Awesome.

That dude teaching sabering lessons at the Jedi Academy must be thrilled though. I can’t imagine how fulfilled he must now feel at the end of the day when he goes home to his room in his aunts poorly lit attic and passes out onto his bed, which is a pile of dozens of stuffed ewoks. Aw.

My favorite part is how these “teachers” are self confessed “heroes”. I mean wielding a saber apparently ain’t that easy. Forget untying little old ladies from railroad tracks, or preventing head on collisions between 18 wheelers with your pinky. If you can wave your saber around like a freaken botard, you might as well wipe your ass with a cheese grater from now on; it couldn’t hurt you because you’re that bad-ass. I think wearing those yoda masks during sex is clearly screwing with these people’s oxygen intake and fucking their brains up. Ah well, you say tomato, I say retarded. As yoda would say, “happy, whatever makes you.” Right.

Earlier this week, the Hulkster was dealt a blow more devastating than the Power Bomb he received from Sid Justice during Wrestlemania VIII that left him wiggling on the canvas like a fish out of water.

Hogan’s wife Linda, filed for divorce after 24 years of large lovin’. The move took the Hulkster by surprise as he became aware of the information after being reached for comment by a St. Petersburg Times reporter.

Now, many of us most likely jumped to the conclusion that Linda is just some sort of white trash, lost in 1986, doll-faced, make-up caked, big-titted money-grubbing whore, who is only interested in taking Hulk to the cleaners in court, as to be expected.

But, what is the real reason behind this divorce? As their VH1 reality series showed, the Hogans seemed to be settling their marital disputes through a marriage counselor, Hulk even read that sweet little poem to Linda and cried a little, remember?

Since money clearly couldn’t be the only reason behind the divorce, I began to theorize as to why these once love struck human beasts decided to go their separate ways.

Brooke’s Pussy Got Too Big

I know, I know, it may seem a little far fetched but the reason Linda may have checked the “Unreconcilable Differences” box on the divorce papers, is because there was no check box for “Daughter’s Vagina Too Big”.

Have you seen the size of that bitch? She is a fucking beast.

Big Head, Big face, Big Tits, Big Body = Grand Canyon-like Vagina.

Brooke Hogan being aroused is probably the equivalent of opening up a giant Atlas in a library then dumping a gallon of water on it. Linda who owns a massive vagina herself, may be jealous at her daughters genitalia, bringing us to the next theory.

Animals Could Please Her Better Than Hulk

Having a giant vagina is one thing, having a clitoris the size of a large breakfast sausage is another. The Hulkster just could not figure out the way to work this wonderfully large nub. As Hulk was quoted during their marriage counseling, “She loves animals more than humans”. Well this is most likely true in more ways than just one, the Hogans own more than 20 dogs, the more tongues to cover all that surface area that Hulk simply couldn’t duplicate. Hulk couldn’t manage to survive in a Dog-eat-Dog word, how was he expected to survive in a Dog-eat-Linda world?

I used to love anime and Final Fantasy, but I think the Japanese and I don’t quite click.  When I think of manliness, I think this:

When the Japanese think of manliess, they think this:

This is actually the most manly picture I found. Seriously. So I guess Japan is stuck in the 80’s, when androgyny was the thing that got men laid. That don’t sit well with me. That don’t sit well at all, sir. Why? Because it’s affecting Japan’s video games and animation. Take a look at Vaan, the main character of Final Fantasy XII.

Are you kidding me?! God! And look at that pose! Did anyone in Japan look at that and say, “That’s gay”? Because it is. And the game was only OK at best, but I digress.

Gundam, which I love because I’m a geek, used to be good. Lo and behold, the latest Gundam installment, Gundam 00, has four…men?

Wow, what interesting and diverse characters. From left to right, we have the girly-looking one, the girly-looking one with long hair, the other girly-looking one with long hair and the girly-looking one with long hair that wears glasses. These are all guys, even the one at the right, which is clearly a female design.

For shit’s sake, what is wrong with Japan? They are ruining two of my hobbies. I can’t watch anime anymore. I already shed some of my testicular mass by being a closet fan, but I can’t stomach this crap with the she-males. I can’t play Final Fantasy because the character designs keep getting more and more gay. Not that there is anything wrong with being gay. But this is a totally different…thing. You know what I mean. I now give the animated and computerized media in Japan an ultimatum:

STOP MAKING YOUR MALE CHARACTERS LOOK FEMALE. IF NOT, HAND THE ENTIRE CONCEPT OF ANIME AND VIDEO GAMES IN GENERAL TO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, WHERE IT BELONGS BECAUSE WE’RE COOL AND OWN THE WORLD AND STUFF LIKE THAT. WE ALSO WANT SUMO WRESTLING BECAUSE FAT GUYS SLAPPING EACH OTHER NEVER GETS OLD. ALSO STOP BEING SO SHORT.

Thank you.

“We’ll ignore our differences until the sex goes bad and then walk away bitter and angry.”

Now that’s a Halloween costume.