Seeking:  Head Football Coach for Multi-million dollar Miami Dolphin Franchise.  Needs to look like Adolf Hitler.  Name must be marketable, (i.e. Homer Simpsen, Michael Jacksen, Tom Bradee).

Salary & Benefits:  Anal rapings by Bill Parcells.

The Giants and the Patriots have a chance to be in the Super Bowl, so life as a Jets fan is pretty much equivalent to, well, life as a Jets fan.

Jetnation.com – a website devoted to Jets fans, but more reminiscent of an AA meeting — offers me free sports therapy.

Today, I think I finally had a break through …

In a post started by Max, the “Head Idiot” at Jetnation, there is a letter from Dolphins owner Wayne Huizenga, giving his many thanks for “us” courteous Jets fans (the letter was originally addressed to a poster named GreenDNA).

In the letter — addressed to Jetnation — Wayne laments the hardships of a season that was saved by a Long Island frat-looking-boy.

Life as a Dolphins fan, with a hemorrhoid infested GM in Bill Parcells and a spotted brained owner in Huizenga, is officially beyond repair. Tom Brady fucking ripped a giant load all over Mercury Morris’ face, too.

Sorry, Miami.

Anyway, here is the letter.

Eat your heart out, boys.

There’s an entire cornucopia of reasons that made yesterday’s Giants victory over the Cowboys a euphoric moment for football fans across the nation. From the failure of Tony Romo, to the TO mental breakdown, to the simple fact that the Cowboys losing equals pure, unadulterated joy, it was a reminder that you can actually be happy on a Sunday. The day does not always have to end up with you taking out the chainsaw and spinning around with it in the middle of the street a la Leatherface at the end of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

My favorite part of the game’s result is the fact that now the NFC Championship Game will be played in Lambeau Field in Green Bay, the Mecca of the National Football League.

If the Cowboys had won, I’d be disgusted just thinking about another game in the rathole that is Texas Stadium. The name alone causes me to froth at the mouth and break out in hives. Texas Stadium? I know Texans tend to have the circulation to their brains cut off by those ridiculous bolo ties and umpteen-gallon hats, but it’s still a mockery that the franchise is allowed to call their home a stadium.

Just imagine your friend gets a new car. He tells you it’s a convertable and your psyched to go cruising in the summer with your hair blowing in the wind. You tell him to come over and pick you up. He shows up in a 2000 Maxima with a sunroof and you’re wondering where the new whip is. This is it, he tells you. My convertable.

Nonsensical, right?

Well, Dallas, that’s you. You’re the friend. So cut the fucking charade already. Man up and admit your “Stadium” is just a fucking dome with a sunroof.

Fucking Jerry Jones. What kind of shit is that? Who greenlit this monstrosity in the first place? Only a Texan — or maybe a Carpathian — would pull a move like that.

But, once again, we have proof that there is a God. Just like every other non-Dallas fan, I’m geared up to get to see this Giants-Pack matchup live from Lambeau this weekend. Nothing beats NFL football outside in January, where it was always meant to be played.

It’s kind of becoming passe to bag on ESPN these days, but man, ESPN.com’s current homepage just gave me a ripping headache after looking at it for five seconds.

And it’s not the usual Skip Bayless retardocity or Scoop Jackson skullfuckery that caused my migraine. No, it’s just exceptionally boring.

First, you’ve got the incredible news going on the sports world right now (not exactly their fault, but mind-numbing nonetheless):

• Baseball forms investigation unit to probe drug use
• Owens practices again, says ’see you Sunday’
• Simpson back to Vegas, accused of violating terms
• Bradshaw questions Romo’s getaway with Jessica
• Sources: USC’s Carroll, Falcons still in discussion
• Kent advocates blood testing to catch MLB doping
• U.S. skating champ Bowman found dead at motel
• Sources: Brewers reach 1-year deal with Cameron
• Ovechkin fills out East roster | Whopper contract
• Globetrotters to retire Curly Neal’s No. 22 jersey

Uh oh! Ovechkin endorses the Whopper! Mike Cameron signs a 1-year deal! Male figure skater found dead! Aside from scumfuck Terrell Owens reading his own press, I highly doubt any of these links have been clicked on once.

Alright, I’ll admit I clicked on the Bradshaw-Romo-Simpson link, but only because I read the names first and hoped for a possible three-way image on the other end of it. That would have been HOT!

If you scroll further down ESPN’s home page, you’ll find an image that inspires one’s soul like the above does to one’s schnitz.

It brings warmth to my heart …

Tears to my eyes …

Smiles to the faces of children …

And peace to the world …

It’s none other than …

Gene Wojciechowski!

Fucking christ, has anyone ever in the history of life clicked on an article next to this guy’s name? Excluding his moms, of course? Dude needs to spice that headshot up a bit, don’t ya think? This is fucking ESPN! Where are the lasers and flames in the background? I’m willing to bet that if ESPN slapped a Cyclops-like visor on ol’ Wojo here, they’d have the next Bill Simmons in terms of clicks. That would be badass!

Rounding out the wild mediocrity is something Deadspin needles ESPN for daily. The featured comment. Today’s has to be the lowest of the low:

“One team … that is playing great basketball right now is the Cleveland State Vikings.”

Are you FUCKING kidding me? Who fucking hand-picked that doozy?! Reading it out loud makes one sound like a fucking robot alien from Nebular XJ-27. What the fuck, can they at least have the decency to choose comments penned by actual Earthlings and not Robots just beginning to learn English?

Christ.

Man, ESPN just needs to take a note from CNNSI and slap some Marissa Miller on their home page to spice things up a bit …

Pseudo-NWS:

Read the rest of this entry »

Like a bat out of hell, Patrick Copeland (and a legion of cronies) have swarmed ZubazPants.com in defense of Larry Johnson memorabilia MANIA.

In case you missed it last time, Patrick Copeland, the above fanatic, has a collection of Larry “Grandmama” Johnson goods that dwarfs the collections of all other fans of things COMBINED!

Like I knew he eventually would, Copeland found my blog entry and replied in the comments section to my accusations of doing such things as collecting LJ pubes and pouring LJ’s wedding wine on his balls when he was feeling down:

“Wow thanks! This article is about me and my collection Yes, I am Larry Johnson’s biggest fan and you shouldn’t be shocked I found this. As I search for pictures of him too…you should have known!

I can assure you I’m not stalker or anything like that. Let me tell you my side of the story so you understand a bit more!

I started to collect L J back in 1990 when I was only 10 years old. He was the best player in the country back then and I enjoyed watching him play at UNLV. After watching him I really noticed his great personality which comes out in his game and how unselfish he was. Then the collection just kept growing and growing to what is today the largest in the world! I’ve followed his career no matter where he went. He really inspired me and left me with some great memories.

In the early 1990’s my parents were really going through some tough times and they turned to drugs, alcohol, etc…It was tough for me, but I found something I loved (watching L J play, and collecting him) and tried to spend as much time doing that, to take my mind off what was really going on in my life. Still to this day I haven’t taken a sip of alcohol or tried a single drug, ciggerette in my life! Nor will I ever.. I grew up pretty poor so I didn’t get a chance to go to any NBA games and buy a lot of the things I wanted. So I saved as much money as I could, buy cutting grass, cleaning up for people, etc..anything I could to help get new L J items. This gave me peace and joy in my life and still does to this day.

I’ve been lucky enough to get to know Larry on a personal level and he couldn’t be a nicer guy. It just made all those years of collecting him that much better…He thinks my collection is amazing and he is very humble by it. I’m so proud of my collection and how much it has helped me become who I am.

If you think I’m crazy that is fine and your own opinion, which you’re intitled to. Although I just think it shows my dedication to something I love to do!

Patrick Copeland
Larry Johnson’s Biggest fan!”

You know what, good for you Mr. Copeland. You were able to take a joke and defend yourself well. I don’t know if I can say the same for your chums that ganged up on poor, little old me in the comments section, but I really thought you were going to go apeshit and hunt me down like an animal. I assumed the last thing I ever saw would be you standing over me in my six-foot-deep hole, fist connected to elbow to form the “Big L”, as your cronies shoveled dirt on me and buried me alive. I’d probably also get pissed on in that hole, or maybe have the LJ wine poured on me.

Thankfully, it seems that won’t happen. So, keep on keepin’ on. I may have ridiculed you for buying a Larry Johnson onesie (and I probably still will), but I’m also a guy that owns a set of Zubaz diapers. Maybe we’re kindred spirits.

There is one thing that remains fact after all of this. Larry Johnson is the FUCKING MAN.

Living in NY can have several advantages. One of them is the thousands of sports franchises. We even take in New Jersey, especially since the Soprano’s moved there.

New Jersey is that little brother that will never be as big as us, but they will probably win more championships. We even use their backyard to play our football games.

I know baseball recently has been the number one story in town the past decade or so with the Yankees and Mets always putting on great seasons.

But now that I look back at it, I think the Yankee Dynasty really destroyed sports for NY. They were so good and made it look so easy.

I mean I thought they were gonna storm MSG one night when the Knicks were playing, sub themselves in, and take over the league. I never thought they could lose again.

Shitily though, dynasties don’t last. The Yankees didn’t fall hard though, they just lost games they used to always win. Shit happens. I mean shit hadn’t happened for 5 years, it was time for some shit……to start happening.

Not that the Yankees are dead meat when they play, they always looked overmatched now in playoff games.

Right now I’m pretty glad to be a Knicks fan. Yea they are losing every game, but Knicks might have a lottery pick this year. Possibly in the top 3 with this losing pace.

When the Knicks win now, the other team must feel like they just got molested. A dirty, not so sure what-just-happened feeling.
The Knicks make headlines though. Isiah keeps it busy being stupid and Marbury is trying to get his acting career going.

Losing isn’t terrible, it just makes winning seem so much better.

Even if we have to wait for Lebron James’ first son.

Has there been a bigger decline in play in recent memory than Heat center Shaquille O’Neal?

Not even a year and a half ago it was Shaq (not Dwayne Wade) who led a Miami city to its first ever NBA Championship.

Now? He doesn’t even get drafted in fantasy basketball.

His fall from grace is reflected in his team’s horrible record to start the season. Even at full strength, which isn’t much beyond Shaq and Dwayne, they don’t scare the moribund Grizzlies.

Age has simply caught up with the big guy.

While he is certainly declining it’s still not something to be laughed at, because it could be far worse, he could have Eddie Curry’s career. But he’s slower than ever, hardly can jump, and god he sucks even more at free throws.

Check out these numbers from the 02-03 season with the Lakers:

Guy was a beast house. 27 points, 11 boards, 3 blocks, 3 assists, and shot 57%.

Now he’s throwing up 14 points, 7 boards, 2 blocks, and barely 1 assist.

It’s sad to see possibly the best center ever drop from the ranks so hard.

Imagine Tim Duncan waking up tomorrow and sucking the rest of the year, that’s what it feels like.

Shaq thru the years:

Back when Shaq could dribble a ball up court

When Kobe wasn’t having sex with girls in Denver, him and Shaq were great partners

Looks like Shaq’s smuggling Buicks these days

I always said NY will one day get Shaq, and I bet in 2 years, James Dolan will sign the once dominant center. Yikes.

I have a mammoth collection of baseball and basketball cards from the late 1980’s and early 1990’s. Every so often, I sift through my shoe boxes, looking at the faces, features and uniforms of the stars and no name players from childhood.

The varying idiosyncrasies of each card allow for an endless amount of themes in which to organize them.

Interestingly enough, this is a sickeningly therapeutic activity.

So, come aboard with this journey into musty shoe boxes, as I dig through paper gold.

The very first entry will be: Life Before Lasik

When a hitter is in on a hot streak, he will often state that he’s “seeing the ball well.”

Keen vision, naturally, is almost a prerequisite in a sport where you have to hit a ball coming in at speeds of upward of 100 mph. For those that weren’t blessed with 20/20, there was always the choice to wear glasses, essentially evening the playing ground.

However, with the technological waves pretty much splashing onto the deck of humanity these days, the eye of the Terminator wasn’t long for the fictitious world of Hollywood.

Soon, there was lasik eye surgery, which a number of baseball players like Greg Maddux and Jeff Bagwell underwent.

Eye glasses went the way of the waffle-iron Nike track shoes.

Still, there are some players such as Kyle Farnsworth and Fransisco Rodriguez that sport some fashionista glasses. But for the most part, it is pretty much a thing of the past.

Luckily, the shoe box was loaded with some four-eyed memories.

Take a gander (click to enlarge)

Need I say a word?

Tommy was rumored to have been sipping on a bottle of fucking Svedka during fucking warm-ups.

He stopped drinking fucking whiskey because dark fucking liquor was screwing with his rosy red fucking complexion.

But don’t fucking worry, Tommy is as fucking frisky as ever. Look at that fucking face, look at those fucking cheeks!

This is the fucking face that fucking God crafted for human-fucking-kind.

So, without further ado, we present you with Tommy’s newest fucking film role!