Sorry I haven’t written in a while, but hey, I was busy winning Most Valuable Player Awards. Someone around here has to win something.

So this is the last season at Yankee Stadium. It’s great to be a part of, cause even if we suck the fans will still come for the gimmick year. Pride, Power, Pinstripes was last year’s saying. Lifes a Beach is this years motto.

Also part of my new contract entitles me to 30 DL days, gotta use them or lose them.

So what do I think fo the new guys?

They suck, all of them. Especially Morgan Ensberg.

First day he comes up I tell him to hold my bats for me during batting practice, and he fucking pretended not to speak to Spanish.

I said, “Hey amigo, chop chop, ¡Andale! ¡Andale! ¡Arriba! ¡Arriba!”

Then I realized I wasn’t speaking to Alberto Gonzales, the infield utility guy.

It was Morgan. What baseball player has that name anyway?

I thought I was getting a water girl when I saw that name on the roster text I got from D2J, Derek Jeter.

Aight I gotta go get ready to go out, Latroy Hawkins snuck a bottle into the clubhouse cause he heard the game might be rained out, so I’ve been wasted since noon.

Then I took a nap in the trainers room. Just told Girardi I was resting my knee, or quad, or whatever it was.

Before I go, check out this glossy photo I got of Shane Spencer from a few years back! Man he was so gay, Manny Ramirez sent this to me Opening Day.

Manny you so crazy.

Alex’s A-vice for the Week:

“Always swing for the homer, even if you fail, there’s always the next at-bat”

Chow

We knew.

We’ve been talking about it for a long time.

At least since February.

That this year’s NBA playoffs would be the best in the history of the NBA.

We may end up being wrong, but so far it’s been fun to watch.

The Hornets are about to knock out the Mavericks, which many fans would consider an upset. I mean the Mavs traded a LOT to get Jason Kidd. Kidd all of a sudden looks like an Atari compared to Chris Paul.

Even though the Spurs are up 3-1, nobody should count the Suns out. Game 1 was historic and you can bet the Suns won’t go out easy, if they go out at all…..

Utah and the Lakers are keeping up their end of the bargain.

Now to the East.

I feel filthy watching the Cavs-Wiz. All the Wizards hate Lebron James and they like to physically abuse him every chance they get. I would just love to see Lebron go ape shit and slap the shit out of Deshawn Stevenson, but that’s why Lebron is so good, he’s not stupid like 90% of NBA players.

The Magic and finishing the Raptors this very minute.

And the Celtics might run into a little speed bump with the Hawks.

But how about those fucking 76′ers. Scaring the shit out the Pistons as we speak.

Win or loss, you have to feel good about yourself if your a Sixer fan. If it wasn’t for a fierce 2nd half the other night by Detroit, Philly was looking at a 3-1 lead.

They make the Pistons look old, and the beginning of the end for Detroit may have been pronounced these past few games.

Everybody has always said the first round was the best, and now it just got better.

Except those 2-headed commercials. Them are just plain ugly, especially the one with Jason Kidd and Chris Paul. Nastyville.

Fucking a, Packer’s commentating sounds like my commentating when I used to play with fucking WWF action figures in elementary school. “Mreh Mreh Mreh” is all I fucking hear.

Syracuse sophomore forward Arinze Onuaku shoots 44-percent from the free throw line.

The free throw — in the video below, which took place during last night’s debacle against UMass — might have been the ugliest of the season.

God damn.

Anyone feel the draft in here?

Now, imagine that this same kind of horribleness was the societal norm. It was just normal to god damn fucking suck at your craft.

What would the prospective outcomes be?

Maybe, just maybe, LIKE THIS.

• Beautician = Man Without A Face

• Gynecologist = Three letters: FGM

• Construction Worker = North Korea’s skyline

Keep it going you slobs.

The Fave Five: 2003 Draft.

 Those funnier than ever commercials staring Dwayne Wade and Charles Barkley. Barkley accidentally proposing in one, Wade shrinking a lollipop in his mouth in another, and Barkley constantly Wade kicking out of his Fave Five.

 And you know what else is funny.

 How an entire sports league can change face in one day. A day when the league isn’t even playing games. Except the joke is on New York who can never get their hands on one of these guys.

 This was the draft Dwayne Wade moon walked to number 4. Let alone Charles Barkley’s Fave Five, he barely made the NBA’s Top 5.

 How different would the league be if a few teams could go back and draft differently? I know the Pistons wonder that question sometimes. But really the only question that day in June should have been, Wade or Melo?

 That should have been Darko’s nickname…The Question. Because why would anyone pick him second? That would be his number too.

What happens to Darko?! Read on to find out!

 
Let’s start at #2 since even Isiah Thomas would have taken LeBron James at #1 had the Knicks rigged the draft.

 Pick #2, The Detroit Pistons.

 What the ef?

 I know you just won the championship weeks earlier, but that was no reason to mail in your lotto pick. Were you guys rubbing it in? You are so good you can draft whoever the fuck you want, you ain’t got time for that kinda stuff.

Somebody have too much to smoke before tipoff?

 
Well how did that work out for ya?

 Picture Chris Bosh tag teaming the front line with the Big Bad Nasty Afro Wearing Tattooed Wallace cousins, almost like a mini gang within a team. They would have been the original Big 3, not Boston.

 However in this draft they don’t select Bosh either, they take Carmelo Anthony and totally rub out Rip. Carmelo makes the Pistons unstoppable and they dominate the East for years winning 2 more championships.

Carmelo and LaLa.

 See he would have fit right in with Detroit. You think him and Sheed could have baked out a whole plane together?

 The possibilities we were sheeded of.

Pick #3, The Devner Nuggets.

 The Heat don’t rise to power because with the 3^rd pick the Nuggets, having just been Melo’ed by the Pistons, settle for Dwayne Wade.

Him and Camby get tattoos together every month

 
Dwayne fills the hole that was meant for Carmelo Anthony teaming with Kenyon Martin, Camby, Nene, and Andre Miller. That’s not only a great basketball team, it would have won you fantasy basketball back then.

 They even dropped the gay pride logo for something much more heterosexual.

Looks like the symbol for the Gay Mafia

 Soon down the line Nene and a package of others get sent to Minnesota for Kevin Garnett. The very next day Andre Miller is traded to Seattle for Ray Allen. One year the Nuggets sneak a championship in, but then they just become filler after that.

 This is the eventual Big 3 that would terrorize the first half of the 2007-08 season, then all get arthritis by the times playoffs come. Eventually getting bounced out by the Atlanta Hawks.

 Red Sox Nation is falling down.

 Maybe. Probably not though.

 
Pick #4, The Miami Heat

 Miami picks next and Pat Riley foams at the mouth when he sees who just fell into his lap, Chris Bosh. Team this guy with Lamar Odom & Caron Butler and watch it grow. cha-cha-cha-CHIA!

 Pat Riley will grow a point guard in his basement, or maybe suit up himself, and badda bing you got yourself a team. Maybe not good enough to win a title from anyone….yet.

 So this leaves the last Five Fave.

 
Pick #5, The Toronto Raptors

 Darko Milicic and the fucking Toronto Raptors. A match made in heaven.

 A tall skinny white international player and Canada. You couldn’t set this up better if you were Roger Clemens at a Jose Canseco steroid BBQ.

 With absolutely no pressure from the Toronto Maple Leaf Times, Darko arrived like Pacman at the strip joint. He made noise.

 Darko starts an International-Amercian war inside the NBA. He recruits all the top international player to come play for the Raptors. All of a sudden you got Steve Nash, Dirk Nowitzki, Tony Parker, and Yao Ming. America is fucked. It’s worse than Rocky IV, because this is real life.

 Eventually every franchise moves to Canada, re-naming the league to CBA (why?) and the NBA becomes a lost memory like the ABA.

 Michael Jordan is forgotten and isn’t even worth a Canadian dollar soon. Darko becomes the heir to Wayne Gretzsky as Canada’s New Golden Boy. Prince Darko.

 Now that is a top 5.

 If only the Pistons hadn’t ef’ed it all up.

February is for lovers and who says sports can’t have a little rhyme to the word.

Here is an original piece courtesy of Gary Cancun:

A quiet man made alot of noise today

I want to forget this day
and got back to when everything was ok

But i know that can’t happen
you did what you did and now
my heart is broken

You fooled us all with your innocent smile
Who knew that behind it all
you were so vile
It’s all gone in the matter of an hour
words of respect have now turned sour
You threw it all away
in 3 days, 2 decades of accallades

Warrior to murderer
Legend to forgotten
Like you never exsisted,                                                         you’ve been black listed

I believe the wolferine was the best ive seen
I wonder if you knew what would happen
when it was all said and done
before you killed yourself, your wife and your son….

I will now turn my back on it all
It hurts to much to watch another hero fall

Check out this weeks low culture box after the jump!

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You’ve seen the original.

Now, it is time for the Zubaz Illustrated version.

Enjoy, sickos.
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This whole Jacobson business is pretty infantile, don’t you think?

Who hasn’t chugged from a bottle of hard booze and proceeded to tell the ugly truth?

In honor of your courage, Dana, we bring back a classic Charlie Weiss post of yesteryear.

Fuck, we said this shit after drinking some tap water out of a plastic Jets cup.

Need I say a word?