Yeah, yeah. Mitchell Report. Blah blah blah. Doing this for the kids, blah blah blah, yeah yeah.

Here’s the only thing the kids need to know …

You juice up, and you might lose this honey:

Nice going, David Justice.

Was it really worth it? Did you really need to hit a few percentage points higher?

And that goes for you too, Clemens.

Were all the accolades necessary? When you put your head down on the pillow at night, would you rather stare at some trophies or that sweet, gay face of Mike Piazza?

Kids, remember, ‘roids may take you to the top, but the rage will cost you volumptious titted women and suave mustachioed men.

It just ain’t worth it.

Yes there have been some huge blunders in the NBA. The most obvious is Sam Bowie being drafted over Michael Jordan, Wilt Chamberlain being dealt, and whoever thought it was a good idea to name their kid Dickey Simpkins.

But what about now? What about the past 15 years? How different would the NBA have be today if the Bulls decided not to trade Elton Brand, Ron Artest, and Brad Miller? And how about Dirk Nowitzki’s locks blowing in the Milwaukee wind. Instead the Bucks sent him to Dallas for Tractor Traylor. True story.

Chris Webber

The Magic thought that scowl would scare the kids

Chris Webber is still around today and pretty much any team can have him. But about 15 years ago the Orlando Magic drafted him and were ready to pair him with Shaquille O’Neal before swapping him with Anfernee “Penny” Hardaway.

Can you for a minute imagine the damage those two would have inflicted on a conference that included skinny Cavaliers, unlucky Celtics, and a Derrick Coleman lead Nets. Shaq and Webber vs. Mark Price and Danny Ferry. WOW! Can you say slaughter house?

Yes at the time of the trade it looked fair, I mean Penny and Shaq did reach the Finals once, but guards are a dime a dozen. Big guys that can score, board, and wear a headband are rare.

Webber was eventually traded from the Warriors to the Bullets who managed to also mess that up. But we won’t get into that since the Bullets no longer exist.

Jason Kidd

I don’t know what’s worse, the trade, or the hair.

Not too long ago Jason Kidd AND Steve Nash were on the same team. Yea I know, ridiculous. The Suns are notorious for finding hidden gems. Dan Majerle, Cedric Ceballos, and Shawn Marion.

What’s even more ridiculous is that they traded Kidd. What’s even more crazier than that, they got Stephon Marbury in return!

Kidd may have had his problems with wife beating, but on the court he was pimp slapping the competition. For a while the Suns had a pretty athletic roster that included Kidd, Marion, Hardaway, and Gugliotta.

Injuries ultimately cost them a chance to have a decent shot at winning any playoff series. But if they kept that core together, never parted with McDyess, and with Amare Stoudemire in the rear view mirror, you have a dam good squad.

It’s hard to argue though because Phoenix is one of the elite teams in the league right now. And more than likely would have beaten the Spurs this year had it not been for the refs having money on the series.

Kobe Bryant

This might be the only card ever of an NBA player wearing sunglasses in it. More reasons to hate Kobe

Kobe and the Lakers. Go together like Tommy Lee and an STD. The real question is though, would Kobe be this famous had he stayed with the Charlotte Hornets, the team that drafted Kobe?

Kobe was spoiled right off the bat when he said he will only play for the L.A. Lakers. The Hornets gave in and traded Kobe before he ever played a game for them. In return the Hornets aquired the fabulous Vlade Divac.

What is it with athletes these days? Demanding to play for a certain team. If i were the Hornets GM I would have kept him and told him to play or sit out. How great would that be if Kobe sat out his first 3 years?

The Hornets already had a pretty decent roster going with Anthony Mason, Glen Rice, and potentially Kobe. And if he stayed with the Hornets that whole thing in Denver never happens.

I mean who knows, maybe Mason would have kept Kobe in line. Maybe Kobe would rock the teal jersey like so many 7th grade girls rocked the Hornets Starter jackets. Maybe we would have actually like Kobe.

Yea right.

Being a big tattooed monster with the inner core of a goose-feathered teddy bear can really go along way in America. Jason Giambi, who won’t be punished by MLB for his involvement with steroids, is a prime example of this.

Jason Giambi escaped punishment from commissioner Bud Selig on Thursday because of the Yankee slugger’s charitable work and cooperation with baseball’s steroids investigator.

“He’s doing a lot of public-service work, and I think that’s terribly important,” Selig said. “He was, I thought, very frank and candid with Sen. Mitchell, at least that was the senator’s conclusion. Given everything, this is an appropriate decision.”

Wow.

Jason Giambi wakes up in the morning, greases his hair, hugs a couple of weakened children, donates some money, bullshits with a senator about his brilliant acting in The Bronx Is Burning, and he’s cleared of it all.

Barry Bonds would have to give birth to a band of traveling Mother Theresa’s out of his dick head and shit out the clone of Bill Clinton — at the same time — to escape the ire of Selig.

Giambi — causing the eye make-up on a thousand emo souls to run in the streets — proves that being a nice guy does pay off.