According to Maroon 5 front man, Adam Levine, Maria Sharapova didn’t have the same intensity on the court as she did in the bedroom.

“She wouldn’t make any noise during sex,” Levine said. “I can’t tell you how disappointed I was. I really thought, like a lot of guys, that she’d be the loud screaming type. But instead, she just lay there like a dead frog. She even got angry if I started to moan, said it ‘ruined her concentration.’

Interesting.

However, I doubt it was the same disappointment that I felt when Levine made a mockery of Stevie Wonder by teaming up with him on stage at Live 8.

I’m going to take a pro-Sharapova side on the incident, preserving Maria’s place in mankind’s eternal spank bank

Levine, in a sweaty, gasping haste, was shit-out-of-luck in an attempt to make Sharapova climax. He started moaning, attempting to trigger a chain reaction of duel passion. Maria, manning the cowgirl position, backhanded his lips shut.

Unable to tingle Maria’s secret garden, Levine, in desperation, started mumbling the lyrics to one of his forgettable faux sex symbol tunes.

I tried my best to feed her appetite
Keep her coming arid every night
So hard to keep her satisfied

Sharapova, being the Russian — in the mold of Drago — perfectionist that she is, persisted, hips gyrating left-to-right.

Levine — who at this point was close to flaccid — started popping off about Monica Selles and American grunts.

Sharapova, forced to deal with Levine’s antics once again, spiked her left hand down, cupping his noise maker. She then cleared her mind, shifting her thoughts to this man …

… and his not so small member.

Rumor has it that Patrick had to tape his leg to his dick. Fuck Oakley and his return to the game talk, Patrick has a standing invitation to tryout with bang bros.

Unable to conjure up the physical reality of Patrick’s swollen leg, Maria dismounted Levine — who at this point was mumbling about how he had made Serena Williams’ booty swoon — and made a beeline straight for the door.

That’s it.

That’s how it went down.

Swear.

Levine’s incompetent and Sharapova is still a dynamo. She is just in need of a lover in the same stratosphere as Patrick.