All of Western New York is terrified concerned about the Buffalo Bills’ long-term future in Orchard Park after a Feb. 6 news conference in Toronto announcing the Bills’ plan to play a regular season game a year in Toronto for the next five seasons. Bills owner Ralph Wilson Palpatine told Bills fans “don’t worry right now” about the team moving to Canada or elsewhere after this death. Uh-huh.

As a measure of how not worried fans are, their federal representatives have leapt into action:

“He said, ‘You let people know that my intention is as strong as ever to keep the Bills in Buffalo,’ ” [N.Y. Sen. Charles] Schumer quoted Wilson as saying.

During a conference call with three reporters Thursday afternoon, Schumer was asked what specifically can be done to keep the Bills from moving to a more lucrative market after Wilson passes from the scene.

“It is an important question, but a sensitive question,” Schumer replied. Things are being worked on, behind the scenes, but they’re better left unsaid publicly, he suggested.

Oh! A secret plan! Now my fears are assuaged. So what does Chuck “Richard Milhous Nixon” Schumer have up his pin-striped sleeve? A few ideas:

• Nails scattered throughout Ralph Wilson Stadium parking lot to disable Canadian moving vans;

• Tits, and plenty of them;

• Begging;

• Rig the NHL so the Maple Leafs win the next five Stanley Cups, Torontonians lose interest in Bills, sleep, procreation;

• War

God speed, senator.

Can you imagine this face on the Wheaties’ box? Yeah, me neither.

(Hat tip to KSK for finding this classic photograph.)

The Giants and the Patriots have a chance to be in the Super Bowl, so life as a Jets fan is pretty much equivalent to, well, life as a Jets fan.

Jetnation.com – a website devoted to Jets fans, but more reminiscent of an AA meeting — offers me free sports therapy.

Today, I think I finally had a break through …

In a post started by Max, the “Head Idiot” at Jetnation, there is a letter from Dolphins owner Wayne Huizenga, giving his many thanks for “us” courteous Jets fans (the letter was originally addressed to a poster named GreenDNA).

In the letter — addressed to Jetnation — Wayne laments the hardships of a season that was saved by a Long Island frat-looking-boy.

Life as a Dolphins fan, with a hemorrhoid infested GM in Bill Parcells and a spotted brained owner in Huizenga, is officially beyond repair. Tom Brady fucking ripped a giant load all over Mercury Morris’ face, too.

Sorry, Miami.

Anyway, here is the letter.

Eat your heart out, boys.

There’s an entire cornucopia of reasons that made yesterday’s Giants victory over the Cowboys a euphoric moment for football fans across the nation. From the failure of Tony Romo, to the TO mental breakdown, to the simple fact that the Cowboys losing equals pure, unadulterated joy, it was a reminder that you can actually be happy on a Sunday. The day does not always have to end up with you taking out the chainsaw and spinning around with it in the middle of the street a la Leatherface at the end of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

My favorite part of the game’s result is the fact that now the NFC Championship Game will be played in Lambeau Field in Green Bay, the Mecca of the National Football League.

If the Cowboys had won, I’d be disgusted just thinking about another game in the rathole that is Texas Stadium. The name alone causes me to froth at the mouth and break out in hives. Texas Stadium? I know Texans tend to have the circulation to their brains cut off by those ridiculous bolo ties and umpteen-gallon hats, but it’s still a mockery that the franchise is allowed to call their home a stadium.

Just imagine your friend gets a new car. He tells you it’s a convertable and your psyched to go cruising in the summer with your hair blowing in the wind. You tell him to come over and pick you up. He shows up in a 2000 Maxima with a sunroof and you’re wondering where the new whip is. This is it, he tells you. My convertable.

Nonsensical, right?

Well, Dallas, that’s you. You’re the friend. So cut the fucking charade already. Man up and admit your “Stadium” is just a fucking dome with a sunroof.

Fucking Jerry Jones. What kind of shit is that? Who greenlit this monstrosity in the first place? Only a Texan — or maybe a Carpathian — would pull a move like that.

But, once again, we have proof that there is a God. Just like every other non-Dallas fan, I’m geared up to get to see this Giants-Pack matchup live from Lambeau this weekend. Nothing beats NFL football outside in January, where it was always meant to be played.

YEEAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!

MARSHAWN SMASH!

LET’S RUN THROUGH A WALL OF ORPHANS!

ONCE I’M DONE WITH JASON TAYLOR, YOU’RE NEXT, HUGO CHAVEZ!

UH-OH, I LEFT THE OVEN ON!

TIME TO WAKE UP MARV FROM HIS AFTERNOON NAP!

I WILL SPIN THE EARTH BACKWARDS ON ITS AXIS TO SAVE LOIS LANE!

WE NEED VOLUNTEERS TO HELP J.P. PACK UP HIS STUFF!

I LIKE STOMPING GRAPES TO MAKE MY OWN WINE!

ENDING BEAst mode …

…. And now I’ll buy flowers for my mother. She’ll like that.

HERNDON, Va. - This is the face of 0-13. The scene: Sunday, December 9 at Jimmy’s Old Town Tavern in Northern Virginia. Jimmy’s is the home-away-from-home for ex-patriate Western New Yorkers, the place to watch Buffalo Bills and Buffalo Sabres games.There’s a long-standing bet at the bar: fans of the Bills’ opponents enter into a bet with the owner, Jimmy. Which ever team loses, that fan gets a pie in the face.These two, dressed like a homeless man’s Christmas tree, are Dolphins fans who just witnessed their team’s 38-17 destruction at the hands of the Bills. They volunteered to take multiple pies in the face in exchange for donations to Fisher House. Bills fans were more than happy to oblige. Video of the humiliation after the jump. (Apologies for the poor quality of the footage. Cell phone cameras are substandard.) (more…)

This almost-God’s gift to awesome (it is a mini-van) was parked at last Sunday’s Redskins-Bills game in Maryland. You can watch Dan Marino embarass himself on CBS and participate in the Pentagon’s missile defense system. That’s multi-tasking.

I wear Zubaz. You wear Zubaz. I’m pretty sure Conan O’Brien wears Zubaz. We know cool people wear Zubaz, but we could not confirm bonafide American heroes wear Zubaz. Until now. Frank Reich played 13 NFL seasons for Buffalo, Carolina, Detroit and the NY Jets. He earned his dollop of fame during his run as Jim Kelly’s back up during Buffalo’s Super Bowl also-ran run. In college, he quarterbacked the University of Maryland to overcome a 31-point deficit against the U in 1984 for the greatest comeback in college football history. Did his Christian faith inspire Reich to victory? Was it his thick, lustrious hair? Nobody knew, until now. (more…)

Are we playing the Colts in Baltimore this year? I love crab soup.

I never trusted OJ. He called me a “honkey” once. I don’t even like country music. 

Maybe we should draft a fat Chinaman.

Somebody should draw Marv Levy a bath. He smells like mothballs and Fixodent.

Why do you keep calling me Grand Negus Zek?

I never appreciate those titter twisters from Jerry Jones.

I think President Hoover is doing an excellent job.

I find “ur-blogger” Bill Simmons interesting enough when he pokes his head out of the Red Sox’s collective ass cheeks to observe the greater sporting world. I don’t find this zenith of Boston sports with championships falling from the sky on an almost-yearly basis insufferable. Those sentences are inaccurate as of this afternoon. COME ON:

All in all, the Pats were whistled for a whopping 146 yards in penalties, a single-game record for the franchise. At one point, after a rarely-seen “blocking someone while they’re out of bounds” penalty on Willie Andrews, my dad called me just to say, “They’re calling things that I never even knew were penalties!!!” It’s one thing to have incompetent officiating for a football game; it’s another thing to see nearly every call and non-call benefit the same team. In 60 minutes of play, only one borderline call went against the Colts — a holding penalty on their second-to-last drive that erased a 25-yard Addai run. The final tally for the Colts: four penalties, 25 yards. We haven’t seen homefield advantage work that well since Hitler invaded Russia.

He actually suggests the NFL is fixing it’s own games to punish the Patriots for their videotaping transgressions early this season.

(more…)