TO SHUT THE FUCK UP!

In a shocking turn of events, Eli Manning fired back at ex-teammate Tiki Barber Tuesday, essentially telling the running back turned opinion machine to stick it where the sun don’t shine.

“I’m not going to lose any sleep about what Tiki has to say,” Manning said before practice at the University at Albany. “I guess I could have questioned his leadership skills last year with calling out the coach and having articles about him retiring in the middle of the season, and (how) he’s lost the heart (to play). As a quarterback you’re reading that your running back has lost the heart to play the game and it’s about the 10th week. I can see that a little bit at times.”

ZING!

Wow. I’m shocked that our little Elizah came out and blasted Barber in that fashion, seemingly coming ever so close to calling him a “traitorous cunt.” Oh, how he has grown. It still seems like yesterday that he was making pig vomit faces at the NFL Draft and wiping the milk off his peach fuzz mustachio.

God that picture makes me nauseous. Fuck it, Eli’s still a schmuck.

Ok, so Mike Vick is a prick. We all know that. He pleaded guilty and is now ready for some doggy style of his own. Dog the Bounty Hunter isn’t even coming for his ass, he’s so disgusted.
However, what if the dogs could fight back. Dogs can kick some tailbone and if given the chance, they would make mincemeat of Mike and his “frontline”.

Let’s check out some potential matchups!

Vick Vs. Snoopy

The most notorious dog in history. He’s never in the doghouse; he sleeps on top of it.

Vick plays on a team of 50+, but recently his friends have showed their true feelings. Three of his four buddies have stabbed him in the back and are willing to testify against him. His entourage is thinning like a Hollywood female.

Snoopy on the other hand is rolling 20 deep. You got Charlie, Pig Pen, Schroeder, Linus. Not to mention the groupies. Peppermint Patty, Sally, Lucy. The list goes on and on!

In the end, the Peanuts characters would mop the floor with the Atlanta Flacons. They have been together for just too long and are too loyal.

Winner: Snoopy

Vick Vs. Spud MacKenzie

While Snoops has a good guy image, Spud can keep up with Vick off the field as well. He’s a party animal, pun intended, and has a black eye to prove it.

When he’s not drinking down Budweisers, he’s shooting hoops, racecar driving, and hanging out with beautiful woman.

Vick on the other hand is fighting dogs. Spud is so laid back he falls asleep during football games.

Vick is a prick and shouldn’t even be in the same category as Spud.

Winner by unanimous vote: SPUD!

Vick Vs. this video

No contest, nobody could beat this video.

Winner: the DOGS!!!

WOW, clean sweep! Even I didn’t expect this.

Roger Goodell — musing on the upcoming NFL season and the media hoopla surrounding Mike Vick’s penchant for poor pet ownership — explained that the league will remain a top dog.

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell insisted Michael Vick-related news is not eclipsing enthusiasm about the game itself.

“I don’t think it’s overshadowing the season,” Goodell said Thursday after visiting with Detroit Lions coaches and players. “I think our fans are excited about football, but I understand the interest in the story.”

Yea, I agree. People won’t be put off — in the least — because, after all, we are watching 325 lb. men try and destroy each other. We, as Americans, live for this, Mr. Gooddell. Have no fear.

However, if that weren’t the case, and we were suddenly whipped up in a rash of 1960’s revolutionary spirit, Goddell’s words could be equated to the following situations.

Just fill in the blanks … “If the Michael Vick incident will have NO bearing on the NFL’s quest in global domination, then … __________”

• Katrina and the ghosts left behind will have NO bearing on the attendance at Mardi Gras.
• The Buffalo Bills overall poor attendance last season will have NO bearing on the team’s eventual westward move.
• Flavor Flav’s commercially driven masquerade on VH1 will have NO bearing on the opinions of original fans of Public Enemy.

• Ray Allen’s curious situation in Connecticut will have NO bearing on the public’s overall view of New England as a utopia.
• Watching a Phish (if they were still alive) show sober will have NO bearing on the enjoyment of the experience, especially watching Trey’s longing face during his solos.
• Prince’s future antics on stage will have NO bearing on a cooter that was nurtured and worn in during the 1980’s.
• Eric Mangini’s burgeoning star power will have NO bearing on how the New York media judges him in his sophomore season.

• John Sterling’s LSD trips in the 1960’s will continue to have NO bearing on his selection of nicknames for Yankee players.
• Suzyn Waldman’s bowling alley vagina will have NO bearing on her achieving climax.
• Indian Point’s prime location on the serene Hudson River will have NO bearing on the overall quality of life for river folk.
• Hugh Hefners’s flacid, vein cluttered penis will have NO bearing on him being able to please all those thirsty clits.
• Jay Mohr’s column on Foxsports.net will have NO bearing on the credibility of the site and the sports media as a whole.
• Kevin Bacon and Michael Jordan’s decision to do an underwear commercial together will have NO bearing on the amount of homoeroticism jokes made during the 30 seconds it airs.

• Bringing your 5-year-old child to the Meadowlands will have NO bearing on “Herpes” being his show and tell “show” in first grade.
• Eating the microwavable chicken wings from the vending machine will have NO bearing on the fireballs shooting out of your ass later that day that Mario and Luigi would be envious of.
• Drafting Grimace from McDonald’s with your first round pick will have NO bearing on your last place finish in the annual fantasy football league.

• Letting Michael Jackson coach a little league T-Ball team will have NO bearing on “Little” Johnny Thompson’s shooting spree at Disney World 25 years from now.
• Sharing a case of Schlitz with Kerry Collins at your Christmas party will have NO bearing on your lack of a buzz and that mysterious pile of shit in the shower.

First it was wrestling.

Now it’s rapping.

His National Street League Records, based in Atlanta, announced Wednesday that Jones will team with producer Spoaty in a duo called Posterboyz with their first single “Let it Shine” being released Aug. 27. The song talks about big money, cars and jewelry.

Once again: Big money, cars and jewelry. Totally groundbreaking stuff here.

Pacman Jones is really taking this extended off-season seriously, fully immersing himself in everything that the 2007 American job market has to offer. Well, with his sterling resume, he’s a pretty appealing candidate for, umm, i dunno, being the muscle for a child sex trade ring?

But what else could Pac’ do?

I had a few minor suggestions.

• Michael Vick’s dog walker.
• Matt Leinart’s stay at home nanny.
• Barry Bonds’ testicle massous.
• Imus’ new partner in crime.
• The 4th outfielder for the Devil Rays Single-A affiliate — Hudson Valley Renegades — in Fishkill, New York.
• Karl Rove’s slave butler.

KEEP IT GOING …