Tommy was rumored to have been sipping on a bottle of fucking Svedka during fucking warm-ups.

He stopped drinking fucking whiskey because dark fucking liquor was screwing with his rosy red fucking complexion.

But don’t fucking worry, Tommy is as fucking frisky as ever. Look at that fucking face, look at those fucking cheeks!

This is the fucking face that fucking God crafted for human-fucking-kind.

So, without further ado, we present you with Tommy’s newest fucking film role!

Well, Bill Cowher was nice enough to join us and describe various “special moments” in film history.

Getting out of football has made the the iron chinned mad man a little soft.

He went through five Kleenex boxes and requested visine four different times.

Anyway, enjoy Mr. Cowher’s view on Hollywood.

Notre Dame Head Coach Charlie Weiss moments after finishing 3-9 — the worst record in the history of Notre Dame religious fanaticism.

What a sick, sick, sick individual Charlie has come amidst the losing.

Bill Parcells has done it again.

He has systematically revived a losing team and left it on the verge of greatness.

Herm Edwards was the beneficiary in New York and this time around it is Wade Phillips in Dallas.

Me, I am about finishing the job once it has started, so this Pacellsian logic is way beyond my grasp.

Duane Charles wastes all his god damn time metaphorically jacking off (blank) franchise — really working up a lather upon his Jersey brow by drafting the players and hammering out the foundation for a fresh system. He probably develops an acute case of tendinitis in his elbow during the process, thereby taking it out on all the innocents that surround him. It is a pretty miserable existence if you ask me.

But since Parcells exhibits this trait in football, it leaves a gaping window of exploration and bounding hypotheses into his life off the gridiron.

In what other areas of life does he display such tendencies?

Taking a shit

After storming through a bread bowl of chili and cheese, Bill really feels the pressure mount upon his anus. He follows it up with a double shot of espresso and sits in a perverse doggy style manner upon the floor — allowing the gas to seep from the orifice deep beneath his starched, pressed khakis. As the turtle head starts to protrude and poke into his 1980s Hanes, his asshole just fucking shuts down code red style. The gates to the Willy Wonka’s chocolate paradise cannot be opened without a golden ticket. Enter Jason Garrett, the present day Charlie Bucket and a human mother fucking laxative.

Waiting in line at Six Flags

All fucking day you have been waiting in line to ride the newest “Cheat your fucking existence” ride at Six Flags. Parcells is there, wearing some fucking bogus shirt about his cock being able to penetrate a pussy better than the 3-4 defense penetrates an offensive line. Anyway, as you approach the front of the line, Parcells starts fucking whining about a fear of heights and all this bullshit. He demands a Chinese ransom of opium in order to board the ride. T.O. comes to Bill’s aid with a special blend of “My grandma was was fucking crazy” drugs.

Carving the turkey

Parcells has baked the bird all day. It is seasoned with a special bled of parmesano and oregano, lifting it to the ethereal level of a Dirty Jerz bird. Bill, equipped with Reebok oven mits, reaches for the oven door and just fucking stares at his reflection. Tears begin pouring down his face and he thinks of the millions of birds slaughtered each year. He then thinks of the thousands of Indians that were scalped and begins to crawl into the fetal position.

“SOMEONE CLEANSE ME OF THIS PAIN!” he screams as the bird blackens in the oven.

Doing a power hour

Parcells, equipped with a cooler pack of Coors Light bottles, starts shooting off at the mouth about Wichita State and all the bald beaver he ravaged there. The 59th song of the power hour, which is titled This Is the End Of The World As We Know It, begins to blare over the speakers. Parcells, clothed in a Giants sweater vest, climbs on the coffee table and starts nailing the verses.

The power hour begins to tick down.

5 … 4 … 3 …

** Parcells takes his fingers and jams them down his throat. Puke starts absolutely rocketing out of his mouth **

Aikman comes in and fills up two cups with the vomit, grabs a video camera and takes it to Arenz Battle’s house.

So, what other activities can you see Parcells exhibiting such cut-and-run behavior?

Sideline staple Andrea Kremer swooned over Tom Brady in an interview following Sunday night’s Bills vs. Pats game.

Kremer buckled at the knees as Brady stared seductively into her eyes, creating a babbling brook to flow beneath her satin undergarments.

It was the ultimate antonym for the Namath / Kolber incident.

With all the hard nosed character that embodies the city of Pittsburgh and the Steelers, it is somewhat surprising that the team has the best female following in the NFL.

A recent survey showed the Steelers have the best female fan following in the league. So, how do you stay fashionable and support your favorite team at the same time?

I am not really sure what ‘best’ is defined as, but KDKA in Pittsburgh ran with it.

Intrepid reporter Kristen Sorensen met up with the Style Sisters and hit the mall to get tips on NFL fashion for women.

Anne, who presumably has a loose pussy, recommends checking your child’s drawer for a jersey. Her so-not-burning-a-bra-at-Heinz-field reasoning is because a tighter fit extenuates the female figure.

I don’t buy it, Anne.

What woman wants to look all hot and spicy in front of a massive heap of viagra-popping, beer-swilling, sausage-grinding creatures?

Anyway, with all that said, I took the liberty of providing some fashion tips for all the ladies out there that will be fantasizing about riding on James Harrison’s throbbing Bang Bros. member attending an NFL game this season.

For the …

New York Jets

Big yellow coat, black collar. Joe Namath’s flaccid inebriated cock gets a heartbeat over that kind of stuff.

Buffalo Bills

Pocketless jeans — that trend is HOT right now in the time warp that is Buffalo. Then just throw on a ‘Jim Kelly destroyed my Mom’s asshole,’ t-shirt.

Miami Dolphins

Go down to the local store. Pick up some walnuts, shave your pits and glue that hair onto the nuts. Attach the nuts to a string and dangle them from your pants. Long Ball Fucking Laura will make up for the lack of testosterone down in Miami.

New England Patriots

It doesn’t really matter what you wear. Bill Belichick has already set up an x-ray system to see what lies beneath the female fan population. He is carefully selecting the best piece of meat to bring home and slam in between heated Risk board game competitions.

New York Giants

Paint your face completely red and wear a Chris Snee jersey that is cut around the neck, exposing maximum amounts of cleavage. On the back, alter the jersey to say, ‘Kate Snee’s Period.’ Watch Tom Coughlin’s cheeks turn red. Repeat as desired. (Snee is married to Coughlin’s daugther, Kate).

Philadelphia Eagles

Sexy RX nurse with a latex glove and enema in hand.

Washington Redskins

Full body condom. Can never be too safe when Smoot is around.

Dallas Cowboys

Dress as Wade Philips’ abortion gone wrong. Just repeat the steps above from Buffalo.

Chicago Bears

Fashion a ‘Rex Grossman deserves to start T-shirt’ with a cannon blowing a huge load onto Griese’s face. (Optional: Cartoon drawing of Rex’s face and arms attached to the cannon — hands should be doing this with a floating Jesus’ hands.)

Detroit Lions

Find that bright orange ‘Fire Millen’ shirt your boyfriend now uses as a cum rag.

Minnesota Vikings

Sexy viking chick with dildos instead of horns on the helemet.

Atlanta Falcons

Dominatrix style getup with a leash and puppy ears attached to your head. Have boyfriend / husband lead you around with a special addition homemade all black Vick jersey.

New Orleans Saints

Gothic ghost of Katrina costume.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Jeff Garcia patchwork jersey. Take a piece from San Fran, Detroit, Philly and Tampa. Alter back of jersey to make it appear as ‘Garcia’d.’ Change the number to 69.

Carolina Panthers

Dress as a sexy baby. Steve Smith has been known to wipe some asses at the stadium.

Cleveland Browns

Shirt that says, ‘Anderson goes deeper.’

By now you get the idea of this madness. Complete the fashion puzzle and pick out a wardrobe for the remaining NFL franchises.

The Baltimore Ravens logo: Ugliest in the NFL? Discuss.

Our clownish friend, Bruce Beck, caught up with good ol’ Tommy C. before the Giants vs. Pats pre-season game at Foxboro. Word is that Tommy had an Irish lunch — 12 pints of Guinness, mashed potatoes with Baileys gravy and corn beef marinated with Jameson. He didn’t even use a fork to eat it.

Well, he isn’t quite sure about his job security, wants Eli’s balls to drop and still wants to skewer Tiki.

Right on, Tommy!

Enjoy!

David Boston — a highly trained athlete — goes through the field sobriety dance on video.

Is this news?

Naw.

Just another high priced black athlete getting choked out by the white man with a badge.

Did you hear about that Mike Vick shit?

Click this to get to the video …

In a very Rodney Dangerfield-esque move, Mike Flynt, 59, is going back to school.

Flynt, who is the son of a Battle of the Bulge survivor, a successful gold miner and earth raper an oil man, was clearly not going to follow Rodney’s steps and join Team Louganuis.

Yes, it had to be the manliest of sports … FOOTBALL.

Flynt returned to Sul Ross State this month, 37 years after he left and six years before he goes on Medicare. His comeback peaked Wednesday with the coach saying he’s made the Division III team’s roster. He could be in action as soon as Sept. 1.

Flynt, who lists getting kicked off the football team his senior year of college as his biggest regret — despite the fact he has been pillaging mother earth’s nether region for god knows how many years — explained how he was going to be able to hang with kids half his age.

“Well, I have old man strength,” he said. “These hands ** Clenches fists as liver spots turn red ** have spanked a lot of ass. I don’t intend on stopping here. And, one more thing, these hemorrhoids ** scrapes ass with sandpaper ** they keep me angry. Real angry.”

Mike Flynt never said the above quotation. And I want to make this clear, since the lunatic was kicked out his senior year of college for breaking too many faces.

Jack La Lanne is smiling down on you, Mike.

Now go get your Rodney Dangerfield on.