All of Western New York is terrified concerned about the Buffalo Bills’ long-term future in Orchard Park after a Feb. 6 news conference in Toronto announcing the Bills’ plan to play a regular season game a year in Toronto for the next five seasons. Bills owner Ralph Wilson Palpatine told Bills fans “don’t worry right now” about the team moving to Canada or elsewhere after this death. Uh-huh.

As a measure of how not worried fans are, their federal representatives have leapt into action:

“He said, ‘You let people know that my intention is as strong as ever to keep the Bills in Buffalo,’ ” [N.Y. Sen. Charles] Schumer quoted Wilson as saying.

During a conference call with three reporters Thursday afternoon, Schumer was asked what specifically can be done to keep the Bills from moving to a more lucrative market after Wilson passes from the scene.

“It is an important question, but a sensitive question,” Schumer replied. Things are being worked on, behind the scenes, but they’re better left unsaid publicly, he suggested.

Oh! A secret plan! Now my fears are assuaged. So what does Chuck “Richard Milhous Nixon” Schumer have up his pin-striped sleeve? A few ideas:

• Nails scattered throughout Ralph Wilson Stadium parking lot to disable Canadian moving vans;

• Tits, and plenty of them;

• Begging;

• Rig the NHL so the Maple Leafs win the next five Stanley Cups, Torontonians lose interest in Bills, sleep, procreation;

• War

God speed, senator.

YEEAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!

MARSHAWN SMASH!

LET’S RUN THROUGH A WALL OF ORPHANS!

ONCE I’M DONE WITH JASON TAYLOR, YOU’RE NEXT, HUGO CHAVEZ!

UH-OH, I LEFT THE OVEN ON!

TIME TO WAKE UP MARV FROM HIS AFTERNOON NAP!

I WILL SPIN THE EARTH BACKWARDS ON ITS AXIS TO SAVE LOIS LANE!

WE NEED VOLUNTEERS TO HELP J.P. PACK UP HIS STUFF!

I LIKE STOMPING GRAPES TO MAKE MY OWN WINE!

ENDING BEAst mode …

…. And now I’ll buy flowers for my mother. She’ll like that.

HERNDON, Va. - This is the face of 0-13. The scene: Sunday, December 9 at Jimmy’s Old Town Tavern in Northern Virginia. Jimmy’s is the home-away-from-home for ex-patriate Western New Yorkers, the place to watch Buffalo Bills and Buffalo Sabres games.There’s a long-standing bet at the bar: fans of the Bills’ opponents enter into a bet with the owner, Jimmy. Which ever team loses, that fan gets a pie in the face.These two, dressed like a homeless man’s Christmas tree, are Dolphins fans who just witnessed their team’s 38-17 destruction at the hands of the Bills. They volunteered to take multiple pies in the face in exchange for donations to Fisher House. Bills fans were more than happy to oblige. Video of the humiliation after the jump. (Apologies for the poor quality of the footage. Cell phone cameras are substandard.) (more…)

I wear Zubaz. You wear Zubaz. I’m pretty sure Conan O’Brien wears Zubaz. We know cool people wear Zubaz, but we could not confirm bonafide American heroes wear Zubaz. Until now. Frank Reich played 13 NFL seasons for Buffalo, Carolina, Detroit and the NY Jets. He earned his dollop of fame during his run as Jim Kelly’s back up during Buffalo’s Super Bowl also-ran run. In college, he quarterbacked the University of Maryland to overcome a 31-point deficit against the U in 1984 for the greatest comeback in college football history. Did his Christian faith inspire Reich to victory? Was it his thick, lustrious hair? Nobody knew, until now. (more…)

Bill Belichick walks the line against the Bills on Sunday night.

One Bills fan opposes the stalwart general, exhibiting the face of a man pushed beyond the edge of reason.

Belichick orders Randy Moss and Tom Brady to sink the knife deep into the young man’s radical heart.

This is a microcosm of everything, man.

Are we playing the Colts in Baltimore this year? I love crab soup.

I never trusted OJ. He called me a “honkey” once. I don’t even like country music. 

Maybe we should draft a fat Chinaman.

Somebody should draw Marv Levy a bath. He smells like mothballs and Fixodent.

Why do you keep calling me Grand Negus Zek?

I never appreciate those titter twisters from Jerry Jones.

I think President Hoover is doing an excellent job.

 

Getting zero play outside Buffalo, and shockingly little play inside, Hall of Fame Quarterback Jim Kelly told the local CBS affiliate he’s found investors willing to purchase the Bills and keep them in town: 

“He (Bills owner Ralph Wilson) knows how serious, not only Jack Kemp, but myself are, about keeping the Bills in Western New York. And I’ll tell you what, I know the people, I know a couple of people that have come to me and have the money to pay it in cash. I guess the best thing I can say is that I will do everything in my power to make sure the people I align myself with and the people Jack Kemp aligns himself with makes sure that team stays here in Western New York.”

I speak for all (right-thinking) Western New Yorkers by saying I hope he’s not still suffering from the concussion that knocked him out of his last playoff game. 

If Kelly, et al tried to purchase the team from Wilson before he died, would they pay the octogenarian in gold or silver doubloons?

(Bonus points if you can identify what recent episode of what show the headline came from.)

This haunted holiday season has brought a smile to the man who is once again the starting quarterback of the Buffalo Bills, J.P. Losman.

J.P. had actually recently bought a house in Buffalo and was knee deep in community work in the inner city of Buffalo when he suffered an injury and was regulated to the bench upon his return.

Well the tables have turned haven’t they. J.P. still lives in his quiet lodging he calls his home and has decked it out in Halloween fashion. The Cincinnati Bengals, the Bills’ opponent this week, are scared shitless that J.P. has stumbled upon the soul of former Bills great Jim Kelly and lit up his J.P O’Lantern with it.

“Oh Fuck!” said Chad Johnson when interviewed in teh Bengals locker room. Coach Marvin Lewis had instead turned fear into motivation for the 2-5 Bengals by posting a picture of J.P.’s special pumpkin on the front of every players locker.

Only time will tell how things go down in J.P’s town this Sunday.

Peter King and his coffee addiction landed in Western New York last Friday to attend the Bills-Falcons preseason game. King followed around Atlanta’s owner Arthur Blank, pursuing the Michael Vick Rape Stand angle. (The “Blank wishes that phrase never entered the sports lexicon” angle.)

King reported the following encounter inside the restroom of the Buffalo-Niagara International Airport (Never has God created a more adequate and serviceable airport than it):

Men’s room, Buffalo airport, Saturday morning:

Loud guy: “Hey, what do you think of the Stillers this year?”

Me (knowing Loud Guy meant the “Steelers” in his South Side-ish accent): “Pretty good. I like [Coach Mike] Tomlin. I think he’ll do a good job.”

Loud Guy: “How ’bout Big Ben? He gonna come back and be good?”

Me: “I think so. Got a lot to prove, but he’s got too good an arm and too good a head to play as inconsistently as he did last year.”

By now, we’re at the sink, and he’s not letting me go. A few people are looking on.

Loud Guy: “You like Hines?”

Me: “Love him. How can you like football and not like Hines Ward?”

Loud Guy: “Can we do it again? Win it all?”

Me: “Well, you might be a year away. You got a shot, but that’s a tough conference this year, about as tough as I’ve seen in a while.

Loud Guy: “They’re no year away. This is their year. I don’t know why you guys in the media don’t like the Stillers.”

With that, he was gone. No goodbye, no have a nice day, not nothing. I wasn’t picking the Stillers, so that was all he needed to know about me.

I think I actually spoke to King’s bathroom interrogator once.

(more…)