If you thought you’d be lighting a candle for the Knicks this year, don’t bother wasting your match.

However, there is one player who can always light up the game: Renaldo Balkman.

Many confuse him with the popular 1980’s Maverick, Ronaldo Blackman. This Balkman is more like the stoner cousin 2000 version. Laid back, long hair, and shows up late to every game.

His nickname is Kool. No really, it is.

So who is this guy? What else is in Balkman’s closet besides a 5.6 ppg and 4.2 rebound average?

For one thing, he might be the most recognizable player in the league compliments of his overgrown hair, which he vows to never cut again.

I am angered by that statement. He should shave that if the Knicks make the playoffs this year.

His lucky number is 34, which he may someday regain with Eddie Curry only making cameo appearances nowadays. Eddie is pretty much dancing his way out the door.

Besides his hunger for the basketball, Balkman also has an appetite for food, as his college major was restaurant management.

Can you imagine asking for the manager at a restaurant to pronounce your dissatisfaction, and then Balkman comes out?

I know I would quickly change my tune.

When asked what food he would choose to live on forever if deserted, he chose patti melts.

But since he doesn’t cook, he likes to munch on pizza and peach soda. Never heard of peach soda before, but being raised in Florida they probably put peaches in everything.

Pizza in Florida is skeptical at best, so being drafted by New York must be a pizza prayer answered for this guy.

That is pretty much all we could find on Renaldo. The guy is a mystery only Robert Stack could handle.

But hey, this is more than we knew before. And who knows, maybe we’ll all be eating at his restaurant one day . . . Balks Famous Melts. Just check your food for hair first.

Has there been a bigger decline in play in recent memory than Heat center Shaquille O’Neal?

Not even a year and a half ago it was Shaq (not Dwayne Wade) who led a Miami city to its first ever NBA Championship.

Now? He doesn’t even get drafted in fantasy basketball.

His fall from grace is reflected in his team’s horrible record to start the season. Even at full strength, which isn’t much beyond Shaq and Dwayne, they don’t scare the moribund Grizzlies.

Age has simply caught up with the big guy.

While he is certainly declining it’s still not something to be laughed at, because it could be far worse, he could have Eddie Curry’s career. But he’s slower than ever, hardly can jump, and god he sucks even more at free throws.

Check out these numbers from the 02-03 season with the Lakers:

Guy was a beast house. 27 points, 11 boards, 3 blocks, 3 assists, and shot 57%.

Now he’s throwing up 14 points, 7 boards, 2 blocks, and barely 1 assist.

It’s sad to see possibly the best center ever drop from the ranks so hard.

Imagine Tim Duncan waking up tomorrow and sucking the rest of the year, that’s what it feels like.

Shaq thru the years:

Back when Shaq could dribble a ball up court

When Kobe wasn’t having sex with girls in Denver, him and Shaq were great partners

Looks like Shaq’s smuggling Buicks these days

I always said NY will one day get Shaq, and I bet in 2 years, James Dolan will sign the once dominant center. Yikes.

I thought we would start out with something simple for my first entry; a list of my top five all-time favorite white basketball players. We all know the NBA has white guys for one reason, right? The 3-point shot. NO! It’s so that during team showers the brothers can laugh at how funny the genitalia of the honkies look in comparison of the rest of their gangly, awkwardly long-limbed, genetically overgrown bodies. Let’s go!

#5. Jeff Hornacek- This gringo was the main guy the Sixers got in 1992 when they traded hall of famer,11-time all star, league MVP and 2-time gold medal winning power forward Charles Barkely to the Phoenix Suns. Not only was Hornacek white, which was bad enough for us Philly fans, but he looked like Mr. Rogers with his parted hair style from the 1950s, the same way my mom combed it for me until I was 15.

4. Kyle Korver- Being the hottest guy in the NBA is a remarkable accomplishment in itself, but it takes more to make my list. The reason this sharp shooting Mormon is here is all due to Shaq. You see, The Big Aristotle, using the detective skills he learned at the Miami Police Academy, refused to take to the court in the 2004 NBA All-Star game because he thought he was about to get Punk’d, mistaking Korver for Ashton Kutcher, star of hilarious romantic comedies such as Guess Who, Just Married, My Bosses Daugher, and A Lot Like Love … I just thought this was funny for some reason.

3. Jason Kidd- Man, can this guy put up the triple doubles! He may be the best passing/ rebounding point guard ever in the Association. However, his real claim to fame is that alien son of his. I remember watching the Nets on TV when they had their finals run in the early 2000’s and I would ask my friends why a giant turd with Mr. Potato head accessories plugged into it and a 13 year-old Mexican boy mustache was allowed in the arena. Then I found out Joumana birthed T.J anally instead of vaginally, so it all made sense.

2. Toni Kukoc- This former sixth man of the year makes the list because he sums up something very important for white players. The shitty nick name. White players never get cool nick names like The Answer, Vinsanity, Dr. J, Mad Max or Shaq-fu. No instead they get nick names like the one Toni had, The Waiter. THE FUCKING WAITER! I’m sure that just the mental image of “waiters” strikes fear in the hearts of opposing players … because you know how the blacks like to tip at resturants

#1.Shawn Bradley- The 1993 draft was not a great one, C-Webb went number one, and the rest is filled with busts and injury plagued players like Jamal Mashburn, Isaiah Rider, and Allan Houston. However, with the second pick in the lottery the Sixers’ management sat in their front offices for months, deliberating who to pick, and eventually the geniuses used the same logic middle school basketball coaches use when recruiting players to the team in 6th grade, “pick the tallest guy”. Did the Sixers learn anything from having Manute Bol on the team in 1992? FREAKISHLY TALL SKINNY PLAYERS SUCK ASS IN THE NBA! Aside from that, they look really weird. Shawn Bradley could be a character from a Tim Burton movie, who was found living in a dungeon somewhere and then taken in to society by a kind family only to be swindled by some sleazy agent to play in the NBA because he was so abnormally tall. I’m sure Shawn has had his fair share of awkward moments in his life.

Who are YOUR favorite white players (and by white I’m including Mike Bibby, Doug Christie, etc.)?

-The NBAsshole

We all laughed a few years ago. It was fun to joke around with. Hell we didn’t even have to make the jokes, they did it for us.

I’m talk about the Portland Trailblazers of 2000 to present day.They made O.J. look like a princess.

Too bad they don’t swap NBA teams for a season. Could you imagine those Blazers playing in Utah for a year.

They made headlines for getting DWI’s, smuggling weed into airports, fighting each other, cursing out refs, and starting the headband trend.

We loved it and you know the Portland owners secretly loved the publicity. And hell, their foundation had enough make-up to win a championship, so you forget all those silly miscues.

They had enought talent to dismantle the original Dream Team. Shawn Kemp, Rasheed Wallace, swingman Scottie Pippen, Damon Staudamire, Steve Smith, Bonzi Wells, and one of the best foreign centers of all time, Sabonis.

The only problem was Sabonis hated all of them. Probably felt like the only virgin guy at a Puffy party. His crafty skills hardly were utilized because his teamates never passed him the ball.

Their star power though was enough to defeat the Lakers in the Western Conference Finals. Leading by 16 in the 4th quarter of Game 7, their invitation to the Finals and David Stern’s worst nightmare was looming.

But they blew it. Then they were never heard of again.

Now comes news that Greg Oden, this years top pick in the draft will miss his entire rookie season. Coupled with Lamarcus Aldridge, Brandon Roy, and Joel Pryzbilla, this enticing group of youngsters were supposed to be the next 1996 Timberwolves.

These Blazers are supposed to be the next Big Thing in an already star drowned Western Conference.

Who knows, maybe the Blazers luck will twist and they will land the #1 pick in next years draft. Add another piece to their already bright puzzle.

But I sure miss those days of 2000 and can only dream of a Blazers-Knicks Finals had NY defeated the Pacers and Portland held onto that 4th quarter lead.

Maybe next year.

Poor, poor, Latrell Sprewell. It was only a few years ago that he laughed maniacally at the Timberwolves offer of 9 million dollars for 3 years. How would he feed his family? What kind of joke was Kevin McHale trying to play? Suddenly poor, poor, Latrell was almost a reality.

Yea it’s easy for us to sit back and call Latrell a schmuck, a cockface, and a greedy son-of-a-bitch. But you know what? I agree with Spree.

First let’s look at that 3 million a year. After taxes Spree banks a cool 2 mil. Then you have to minus agent fees and other nick kanks. After that equation he might take home only 1.3 million of that 3. Kinda shitty huh?

I mean I get mad that the government takes hundreds from my check, imagine getting millions swiped?

Also what if you went into work one day after achieving a great year in sales for you company. Maybe you make $50,000, then all of a sudden they say, “Hey bud, you did such a great job last year, how bout we only pay for $30,000 this year? OK thanks”.

Now I know we are comparing two different types of money, but it’s the same principal.

Which brings me to recent retires. The average baseball salary in the 1980’s and 90’s was ridiculously less than today’s money. The 2nd highest paid player in 1990 was Kirby Puckett at 3 million. (See why Sprewell was so pissed)

Kirby had 3 million reasons to smile!

Believe it or not, there’s quite a few basketball stars from the 80’s that are struggling to get by. Players from the storid Lakers-Celtics series that weren’t named Magic or Bird are barely making it. Even taking handouts from their formers mates.

In fact if it wasn’t for Michael Cooper’s recent stinit as a WNBA coach who knows what kind of pickel he’d be in.

Players salaries also don’t take into account the numerous child support payments made by many players. For instance let’s pick a name at randon, like say, Shawn Kemp. An average child support payment is somewhere around $30,000/month. Even when he retires that payment doesn’t go down to $10,000. So if you have 10 kids out there, that’s $300,000 a month just to feed the children.

OUCH!

So let’s leave these professional athletes alone when talking about how much money they make. Musicians make just as much. You’re telling me Brett Michaels deserves 10 million more than my man Sam Cassell, quite possibly the most annoying guy in the world?

And you’re telling me if you had A-Rod ability you wouldn’t ask for $15-20 million a year?

Let’s have a little compassion for these athletes.

I’m not saying I agree totally, but I understand.

Brining new meaning to the term Money Ball

It’s about time the USA put a decent basketball team together. You got Carmelo, James, and Bryant. We as a country are in a war and we need to show the rest of the world we can still ball.

A good basketball team can really do a lot for a country’s self esteem. Anybody remember the first Dream Team? It’s like the USA created this beautiful monster and sent it out to destroy other countries, Terminator style. Any coincidence we later won the Gulf War? I think nah-uh.

That first team was so good they had not one, not two, not three, but FOUR (shizzle) white guys on it! And one guy was still in high school I believe. They didn’t even need a coach, they just threw Chuck Daly in for kicks. I could have coached them to at least the bronze.

Then there was the first game.

Holy shit.

Angola apparantly has a basketball team. And it went like this: Michael Jordan shot free throws with his eyes closed, Barkley was texting on the court, and Pippen impregnated a woman during a timeout. All that leads to a 116-48 gang banging.

I laughed at other teams, I even cheered on Scottie Pippin, and I was proud to be an American.

Here’s to you Mr. USA:

Alright, this is a new feature we will be rolling out here.

It is titled simply: This Is My Fucking News

It entails taking an article and tweaking it to fit one’s sensibilities. So, here goes …

Pro Basketball Fucking: Redick enjoying Hedonizing Himself

By Luciana Chavez LosLoseeBoy

Raleigh News & Observer Zubaz Pants With A Dick Hole Union

LAS VEGAS — J.J. Redick knew he wouldn’t be rolling sidling, sucking and slurping with LeBron James and Kobe Bryant on the U.S. senior men’s basketball fuck squad beyond Tuesday.

The LeBron & Kobe Show wheat bread sandwich— minus Redick a flaccid cream cheese Duke member — started play against Venezuela Hugo Chzvez’s militia in the FIBA Americas Oil For Blood Championship Wednesday as the United States Pilgrim’s Vision on Acid attempts to qualify for the 2008 Olympics in Beijing Faux Communism Central.

Redick can’t help this U.S. team (maybe in ‘10 the year of the rat or ‘12 the year of the cock, he says), but his nine days working of trying to get hard with the national squad this summer will set him up, he believes, for a better ram worthy second NBA season with the Orlando Magic Shaq fucked us.

“I’ve done a series of things to prepare me for next year — like working learning the optimal doggy style position from Kobe out in Orlando, Fla., then playing trying it out (on some Minnie Mouse pussy) in the summer league there, then going to the U.S. mini-camp train running competition (in July) and now here; just trying to gain momentum enough sensation to climax,” Redick said before flying home to Orlando Cinderella’s lair late Monday night.

“It’s five weeks theNBA (preseason) I look in the mirror and compare myself to Peter North starts. So I’ll take a week off and then get back at it.”

His rookie season didn’t go well. Before Orlando drafted the former Duke star elephantits king, Redick had been trying to recover from a nagging back rectal injury.

Once healed, Redick came off the bench slid off a Dwight Howard sculpted dildo for 42 regular-season games extra sessions in the sauna and averaged 6.0 points cum blasts in 14.8 minutes per game playing under fucking session behind former coach Brian Hill.

Redick acknowledges his first NBA season didn’t go as planned.

In 2007-08, Redick will be playing with a new coach sauce mate in Stan Van Gundy, who already told the ACC’s all-time leading scorer underage fucker that he’d earn his playing time with his effort on defense shaving his pubes, deceiving the nation about what little god given talent he has.

“That’s what we discussed,” Redick said. “He said I couldn’t have done anything else to prove myself in his (cum craving) eyes, but that I will play fuck next year. And how much I play fuck and if I star all depends on my focus on defense ability to really control the mach 3 as it curves around my cave of chocolate . I appreciate his candor.”

The 6-foot-4 Redick must defend inseminate shooting guards such as the Los Angeles Lakers’ Bryant, the Milwaukee Buck’s Michael Redd and the Memphis Grizzlies’ Mike Miller in the NBA. Redick had a chance to defend against fuck around with all three of the taller guards while working out with the U.S. national team.

“It has been good,” Redick said. “The thing is, no one can stop make Kobe cum. He’s the best player tightest guy in the world. You just play fuck as hard as possible and contest just continue praying for even a little bit of his cum to leak out.”

And that’s as far as I will go with that nightmarish ramble through the world of Reddick and SEX.

Thanks if you made it this far, you sick, sick, sick individual.

Yes there have been some huge blunders in the NBA. The most obvious is Sam Bowie being drafted over Michael Jordan, Wilt Chamberlain being dealt, and whoever thought it was a good idea to name their kid Dickey Simpkins.

But what about now? What about the past 15 years? How different would the NBA have be today if the Bulls decided not to trade Elton Brand, Ron Artest, and Brad Miller? And how about Dirk Nowitzki’s locks blowing in the Milwaukee wind. Instead the Bucks sent him to Dallas for Tractor Traylor. True story.

Chris Webber

The Magic thought that scowl would scare the kids

Chris Webber is still around today and pretty much any team can have him. But about 15 years ago the Orlando Magic drafted him and were ready to pair him with Shaquille O’Neal before swapping him with Anfernee “Penny” Hardaway.

Can you for a minute imagine the damage those two would have inflicted on a conference that included skinny Cavaliers, unlucky Celtics, and a Derrick Coleman lead Nets. Shaq and Webber vs. Mark Price and Danny Ferry. WOW! Can you say slaughter house?

Yes at the time of the trade it looked fair, I mean Penny and Shaq did reach the Finals once, but guards are a dime a dozen. Big guys that can score, board, and wear a headband are rare.

Webber was eventually traded from the Warriors to the Bullets who managed to also mess that up. But we won’t get into that since the Bullets no longer exist.

Jason Kidd

I don’t know what’s worse, the trade, or the hair.

Not too long ago Jason Kidd AND Steve Nash were on the same team. Yea I know, ridiculous. The Suns are notorious for finding hidden gems. Dan Majerle, Cedric Ceballos, and Shawn Marion.

What’s even more ridiculous is that they traded Kidd. What’s even more crazier than that, they got Stephon Marbury in return!

Kidd may have had his problems with wife beating, but on the court he was pimp slapping the competition. For a while the Suns had a pretty athletic roster that included Kidd, Marion, Hardaway, and Gugliotta.

Injuries ultimately cost them a chance to have a decent shot at winning any playoff series. But if they kept that core together, never parted with McDyess, and with Amare Stoudemire in the rear view mirror, you have a dam good squad.

It’s hard to argue though because Phoenix is one of the elite teams in the league right now. And more than likely would have beaten the Spurs this year had it not been for the refs having money on the series.

Kobe Bryant

This might be the only card ever of an NBA player wearing sunglasses in it. More reasons to hate Kobe

Kobe and the Lakers. Go together like Tommy Lee and an STD. The real question is though, would Kobe be this famous had he stayed with the Charlotte Hornets, the team that drafted Kobe?

Kobe was spoiled right off the bat when he said he will only play for the L.A. Lakers. The Hornets gave in and traded Kobe before he ever played a game for them. In return the Hornets aquired the fabulous Vlade Divac.

What is it with athletes these days? Demanding to play for a certain team. If i were the Hornets GM I would have kept him and told him to play or sit out. How great would that be if Kobe sat out his first 3 years?

The Hornets already had a pretty decent roster going with Anthony Mason, Glen Rice, and potentially Kobe. And if he stayed with the Hornets that whole thing in Denver never happens.

I mean who knows, maybe Mason would have kept Kobe in line. Maybe Kobe would rock the teal jersey like so many 7th grade girls rocked the Hornets Starter jackets. Maybe we would have actually like Kobe.

Yea right.

In honor of Bobby Phallic Cox receiving his record setting 132nd ejection — surpassing John McGraw — we have collected some of our favorite ‘hit the showers’ moments.

However, we take it from the diamond to the hardwood.

Because, after all, we have seen enough crotchety old white men — suffering from hemorrhoids — sent into the clubhouse to glob on more Preperation-H to their caked anus’.

So, here we go.

Morris Peterson gets ejected after acting out a scene from My Brother and Me with Vince Carter.

James ‘I’m not fucking posing’ brings Luol Deng back to the horrors of tribal warfare.

Mike Dunleavy shows what it felt like when there wasn’t a Lexus with a bow waiting in the driveway on his 16th birthday.

Darko gets ejected after styling his hair like Scott Baio from the Charles In Charge era.

Magic Johnson before he really started wearing a suit.