Fucking a, Packer’s commentating sounds like my commentating when I used to play with fucking WWF action figures in elementary school. “Mreh Mreh Mreh” is all I fucking hear.

Remember him?

Syracuse sophomore forward Arinze Onuaku shoots 44-percent from the free throw line.

The free throw — in the video below, which took place during last night’s debacle against UMass — might have been the ugliest of the season.

God damn.

Anyone feel the draft in here?

Now, imagine that this same kind of horribleness was the societal norm. It was just normal to god damn fucking suck at your craft.

What would the prospective outcomes be?

Maybe, just maybe, LIKE THIS.

• Beautician = Man Without A Face

• Gynecologist = Three letters: FGM

• Construction Worker = North Korea’s skyline

Keep it going you slobs.

This whole Red Sox faux-boycott business was/is disturbing.

Here is the gist of it:

Boston is scheduled to open baseball’s regular season in Japan with two games against Oakland on March 25-26. Red Sox players are getting paid $40,000 apiece and voted unanimously to boycott the trip today after learning that the team’s coaches, training staff and equipment managers weren’t going to be paid.

You know, the old arguement of “they are getting paid to play baseball!” is kind of old.

This stretches beyond that point of contention — even though I still think it is completely valid.

The fact is that these guys are getting to go to Japan! It would be a chance of a lifetime for many of us peasants. When did the chance to experience a different culture become such a burdensome chore?

Why isn’t anyone talking about this?

It just proves that sports is dumbing down the culture of America.

If nothing else, maybe this will serve as bad karma for the rest of the season.

I mean, hey, how else can you explain this video of Reid Engel dropping a routine fly ball?

The Blue Jays cleared the bases on the play, which gave them a meaningless 4-3 spring training win.

But was it really meaningless?

In last night’s Rockets vs. Celtics game, Rafer Alston got into a brief shoving match with Rajon Rondo.

Dikembe Mutombo bolted in like the UN, shouting for order and peace.

But what do you think he really said?

Maybe something like this . . .

The Fave Five: 2003 Draft.

 Those funnier than ever commercials staring Dwayne Wade and Charles Barkley. Barkley accidentally proposing in one, Wade shrinking a lollipop in his mouth in another, and Barkley constantly Wade kicking out of his Fave Five.

 And you know what else is funny.

 How an entire sports league can change face in one day. A day when the league isn’t even playing games. Except the joke is on New York who can never get their hands on one of these guys.

 This was the draft Dwayne Wade moon walked to number 4. Let alone Charles Barkley’s Fave Five, he barely made the NBA’s Top 5.

 How different would the league be if a few teams could go back and draft differently? I know the Pistons wonder that question sometimes. But really the only question that day in June should have been, Wade or Melo?

 That should have been Darko’s nickname…The Question. Because why would anyone pick him second? That would be his number too.

What happens to Darko?! Read on to find out!

 
Let’s start at #2 since even Isiah Thomas would have taken LeBron James at #1 had the Knicks rigged the draft.

 Pick #2, The Detroit Pistons.

 What the ef?

 I know you just won the championship weeks earlier, but that was no reason to mail in your lotto pick. Were you guys rubbing it in? You are so good you can draft whoever the fuck you want, you ain’t got time for that kinda stuff.

Somebody have too much to smoke before tipoff?

 
Well how did that work out for ya?

 Picture Chris Bosh tag teaming the front line with the Big Bad Nasty Afro Wearing Tattooed Wallace cousins, almost like a mini gang within a team. They would have been the original Big 3, not Boston.

 However in this draft they don’t select Bosh either, they take Carmelo Anthony and totally rub out Rip. Carmelo makes the Pistons unstoppable and they dominate the East for years winning 2 more championships.

Carmelo and LaLa.

 See he would have fit right in with Detroit. You think him and Sheed could have baked out a whole plane together?

 The possibilities we were sheeded of.

Pick #3, The Devner Nuggets.

 The Heat don’t rise to power because with the 3^rd pick the Nuggets, having just been Melo’ed by the Pistons, settle for Dwayne Wade.

Him and Camby get tattoos together every month

 
Dwayne fills the hole that was meant for Carmelo Anthony teaming with Kenyon Martin, Camby, Nene, and Andre Miller. That’s not only a great basketball team, it would have won you fantasy basketball back then.

 They even dropped the gay pride logo for something much more heterosexual.

Looks like the symbol for the Gay Mafia

 Soon down the line Nene and a package of others get sent to Minnesota for Kevin Garnett. The very next day Andre Miller is traded to Seattle for Ray Allen. One year the Nuggets sneak a championship in, but then they just become filler after that.

 This is the eventual Big 3 that would terrorize the first half of the 2007-08 season, then all get arthritis by the times playoffs come. Eventually getting bounced out by the Atlanta Hawks.

 Red Sox Nation is falling down.

 Maybe. Probably not though.

 
Pick #4, The Miami Heat

 Miami picks next and Pat Riley foams at the mouth when he sees who just fell into his lap, Chris Bosh. Team this guy with Lamar Odom & Caron Butler and watch it grow. cha-cha-cha-CHIA!

 Pat Riley will grow a point guard in his basement, or maybe suit up himself, and badda bing you got yourself a team. Maybe not good enough to win a title from anyone….yet.

 So this leaves the last Five Fave.

 
Pick #5, The Toronto Raptors

 Darko Milicic and the fucking Toronto Raptors. A match made in heaven.

 A tall skinny white international player and Canada. You couldn’t set this up better if you were Roger Clemens at a Jose Canseco steroid BBQ.

 With absolutely no pressure from the Toronto Maple Leaf Times, Darko arrived like Pacman at the strip joint. He made noise.

 Darko starts an International-Amercian war inside the NBA. He recruits all the top international player to come play for the Raptors. All of a sudden you got Steve Nash, Dirk Nowitzki, Tony Parker, and Yao Ming. America is fucked. It’s worse than Rocky IV, because this is real life.

 Eventually every franchise moves to Canada, re-naming the league to CBA (why?) and the NBA becomes a lost memory like the ABA.

 Michael Jordan is forgotten and isn’t even worth a Canadian dollar soon. Darko becomes the heir to Wayne Gretzsky as Canada’s New Golden Boy. Prince Darko.

 Now that is a top 5.

 If only the Pistons hadn’t ef’ed it all up.

Brett Favre has finally left the game of football.

As a result, we are generally concerned for SI’s Peter King.

You just know he’s strung out, all high on sharpie markers, and coloring giant paint-by-number portraits of his favorite quarterback.

Well, not exactly.

We got some footage of King reading the most recent SI.

Peter, may Allah be with you at this difficult time.

You have probably been bombarded with a bukkake of Brett Favre tributes since the grizzly veteran decided to hang’em up.

While the masturbatory-worthy print editions and the porn-esque video tributes helped the most ardent Favre supporters reach climax — they cannot hold a candle to zubaz’s video tribute.

By teaming up with musical genius and Eau Claire, Wisconsin’s native son, Bon Iver, we basically took it to an entire new level.

Watch this video and see what it feels like to get your period for the first time.

As big salty tears cascade down your cheeks, take that Brett Favre #4 cum rag and turn it into a tissue.

It is finally time to start thinking with your heart and not your libido.

It is finally time for a real tribute.

Year of our lord 1986.

Right after the Super Bowl Shuffle came out.

Tommy Lasorda thought it would be a rad idea to put together a video of all his players to psyche them up and get them thinking World Series.

They wound up 73-89, and with a hit youtube video in 2008.

Bring in Joe Torre, former god of Yankeedom.

During the first week of the 2008 training camp, Torre called the team into a meeting room to watch an MLB “security video.” Once everyone entered, he showed the Boogie instead.

We bring you, “The Boogie.” HAVE YOU HEARD THE NEWS?

YouTube user Gonzobanana made a rather entertaining Tom Coughlin video, which he titled “Tom’s Favorite Things.”

Well done, Sir.

You have done Tommy proud.

TIKI’S A PUSSY!