It’s kind of becoming passe to bag on ESPN these days, but man, ESPN.com’s current homepage just gave me a ripping headache after looking at it for five seconds.

And it’s not the usual Skip Bayless retardocity or Scoop Jackson skullfuckery that caused my migraine. No, it’s just exceptionally boring.

First, you’ve got the incredible news going on the sports world right now (not exactly their fault, but mind-numbing nonetheless):

• Baseball forms investigation unit to probe drug use
• Owens practices again, says ’see you Sunday’
• Simpson back to Vegas, accused of violating terms
• Bradshaw questions Romo’s getaway with Jessica
• Sources: USC’s Carroll, Falcons still in discussion
• Kent advocates blood testing to catch MLB doping
• U.S. skating champ Bowman found dead at motel
• Sources: Brewers reach 1-year deal with Cameron
• Ovechkin fills out East roster | Whopper contract
• Globetrotters to retire Curly Neal’s No. 22 jersey

Uh oh! Ovechkin endorses the Whopper! Mike Cameron signs a 1-year deal! Male figure skater found dead! Aside from scumfuck Terrell Owens reading his own press, I highly doubt any of these links have been clicked on once.

Alright, I’ll admit I clicked on the Bradshaw-Romo-Simpson link, but only because I read the names first and hoped for a possible three-way image on the other end of it. That would have been HOT!

If you scroll further down ESPN’s home page, you’ll find an image that inspires one’s soul like the above does to one’s schnitz.

It brings warmth to my heart …

Tears to my eyes …

Smiles to the faces of children …

And peace to the world …

It’s none other than …

Gene Wojciechowski!

Fucking christ, has anyone ever in the history of life clicked on an article next to this guy’s name? Excluding his moms, of course? Dude needs to spice that headshot up a bit, don’t ya think? This is fucking ESPN! Where are the lasers and flames in the background? I’m willing to bet that if ESPN slapped a Cyclops-like visor on ol’ Wojo here, they’d have the next Bill Simmons in terms of clicks. That would be badass!

Rounding out the wild mediocrity is something Deadspin needles ESPN for daily. The featured comment. Today’s has to be the lowest of the low:

“One team … that is playing great basketball right now is the Cleveland State Vikings.”

Are you FUCKING kidding me? Who fucking hand-picked that doozy?! Reading it out loud makes one sound like a fucking robot alien from Nebular XJ-27. What the fuck, can they at least have the decency to choose comments penned by actual Earthlings and not Robots just beginning to learn English?

Christ.

Man, ESPN just needs to take a note from CNNSI and slap some Marissa Miller on their home page to spice things up a bit …

Pseudo-NWS:

(more…)

Like a bat out of hell, Patrick Copeland (and a legion of cronies) have swarmed ZubazPants.com in defense of Larry Johnson memorabilia MANIA.

In case you missed it last time, Patrick Copeland, the above fanatic, has a collection of Larry “Grandmama” Johnson goods that dwarfs the collections of all other fans of things COMBINED!

Like I knew he eventually would, Copeland found my blog entry and replied in the comments section to my accusations of doing such things as collecting LJ pubes and pouring LJ’s wedding wine on his balls when he was feeling down:

“Wow thanks! This article is about me and my collection Yes, I am Larry Johnson’s biggest fan and you shouldn’t be shocked I found this. As I search for pictures of him too…you should have known!

I can assure you I’m not stalker or anything like that. Let me tell you my side of the story so you understand a bit more!

I started to collect L J back in 1990 when I was only 10 years old. He was the best player in the country back then and I enjoyed watching him play at UNLV. After watching him I really noticed his great personality which comes out in his game and how unselfish he was. Then the collection just kept growing and growing to what is today the largest in the world! I’ve followed his career no matter where he went. He really inspired me and left me with some great memories.

In the early 1990’s my parents were really going through some tough times and they turned to drugs, alcohol, etc…It was tough for me, but I found something I loved (watching L J play, and collecting him) and tried to spend as much time doing that, to take my mind off what was really going on in my life. Still to this day I haven’t taken a sip of alcohol or tried a single drug, ciggerette in my life! Nor will I ever.. I grew up pretty poor so I didn’t get a chance to go to any NBA games and buy a lot of the things I wanted. So I saved as much money as I could, buy cutting grass, cleaning up for people, etc..anything I could to help get new L J items. This gave me peace and joy in my life and still does to this day.

I’ve been lucky enough to get to know Larry on a personal level and he couldn’t be a nicer guy. It just made all those years of collecting him that much better…He thinks my collection is amazing and he is very humble by it. I’m so proud of my collection and how much it has helped me become who I am.

If you think I’m crazy that is fine and your own opinion, which you’re intitled to. Although I just think it shows my dedication to something I love to do!

Patrick Copeland
Larry Johnson’s Biggest fan!”

You know what, good for you Mr. Copeland. You were able to take a joke and defend yourself well. I don’t know if I can say the same for your chums that ganged up on poor, little old me in the comments section, but I really thought you were going to go apeshit and hunt me down like an animal. I assumed the last thing I ever saw would be you standing over me in my six-foot-deep hole, fist connected to elbow to form the “Big L”, as your cronies shoveled dirt on me and buried me alive. I’d probably also get pissed on in that hole, or maybe have the LJ wine poured on me.

Thankfully, it seems that won’t happen. So, keep on keepin’ on. I may have ridiculed you for buying a Larry Johnson onesie (and I probably still will), but I’m also a guy that owns a set of Zubaz diapers. Maybe we’re kindred spirits.

There is one thing that remains fact after all of this. Larry Johnson is the FUCKING MAN.

Living in NY can have several advantages. One of them is the thousands of sports franchises. We even take in New Jersey, especially since the Soprano’s moved there.

New Jersey is that little brother that will never be as big as us, but they will probably win more championships. We even use their backyard to play our football games.

I know baseball recently has been the number one story in town the past decade or so with the Yankees and Mets always putting on great seasons.

But now that I look back at it, I think the Yankee Dynasty really destroyed sports for NY. They were so good and made it look so easy.

I mean I thought they were gonna storm MSG one night when the Knicks were playing, sub themselves in, and take over the league. I never thought they could lose again.

Shitily though, dynasties don’t last. The Yankees didn’t fall hard though, they just lost games they used to always win. Shit happens. I mean shit hadn’t happened for 5 years, it was time for some shit……to start happening.

Not that the Yankees are dead meat when they play, they always looked overmatched now in playoff games.

Right now I’m pretty glad to be a Knicks fan. Yea they are losing every game, but Knicks might have a lottery pick this year. Possibly in the top 3 with this losing pace.

When the Knicks win now, the other team must feel like they just got molested. A dirty, not so sure what-just-happened feeling.
The Knicks make headlines though. Isiah keeps it busy being stupid and Marbury is trying to get his acting career going.

Losing isn’t terrible, it just makes winning seem so much better.

Even if we have to wait for Lebron James’ first son.