Has there been a bigger decline in play in recent memory than Heat center Shaquille O’Neal?

Not even a year and a half ago it was Shaq (not Dwayne Wade) who led a Miami city to its first ever NBA Championship.

Now? He doesn’t even get drafted in fantasy basketball.

His fall from grace is reflected in his team’s horrible record to start the season. Even at full strength, which isn’t much beyond Shaq and Dwayne, they don’t scare the moribund Grizzlies.

Age has simply caught up with the big guy.

While he is certainly declining it’s still not something to be laughed at, because it could be far worse, he could have Eddie Curry’s career. But he’s slower than ever, hardly can jump, and god he sucks even more at free throws.

Check out these numbers from the 02-03 season with the Lakers:

Year

Team

G

GS

MPG

FG%

FT%

OFF

DEF

RPG

APG

SPG

BPG

TO

PF

PPG

02-03

LAL

67

66

37.8

0.574

0.622

3.9

7.2

11.1

3.1

0.6

2.4

2.93

3.40

27.5

Guy was a beast house. 27 points, 11 boards, 3 blocks, 3 assists, and shot 57%.

Now he’s throwing up 14 points, 7 boards, 2 blocks, and barely 1 assist.

It’s sad to see possibly the best center ever drop from the ranks so hard.

Imagine Tim Duncan waking up tomorrow and sucking the rest of the year, that’s what it feels like.

Shaq thru the years:

Back when Shaq could dribble a ball up court

When Kobe wasn’t having sex with girls in Denver, him and Shaq were great partners

Looks like Shaq’s smuggling Buicks these days

I always said NY will one day get Shaq, and I bet in 2 years, James Dolan will sign the once dominant center. Yikes.

I have a mammoth collection of baseball and basketball cards from the late 1980’s and early 1990’s. Every so often, I sift through my shoe boxes, looking at the faces, features and uniforms of the stars and no name players from childhood.

The varying idiosyncrasies of each card allow for an endless amount of themes in which to organize them.

Interestingly enough, this is a sickeningly therapeutic activity.

So, come aboard with this journey into musty shoe boxes, as I dig through paper gold.

The very first entry will be: Life Before Lasik

When a hitter is in on a hot streak, he will often state that he’s “seeing the ball well.”

Keen vision, naturally, is almost a prerequisite in a sport where you have to hit a ball coming in at speeds of upward of 100 mph. For those that weren’t blessed with 20/20, there was always the choice to wear glasses, essentially evening the playing ground.

However, with the technological waves pretty much splashing onto the deck of humanity these days, the eye of the Terminator wasn’t long for the fictitious world of Hollywood.

Soon, there was lasik eye surgery, which a number of baseball players like Greg Maddux and Jeff Bagwell underwent.

Eye glasses went the way of the waffle-iron Nike track shoes.

Still, there are some players such as Kyle Farnsworth and Fransisco Rodriguez that sport some fashionista glasses. But for the most part, it is pretty much a thing of the past.

Luckily, the shoe box was loaded with some four-eyed memories.

Take a gander (click to enlarge)

Need I say a word?

Tommy was rumored to have been sipping on a bottle of fucking Svedka during fucking warm-ups.

He stopped drinking fucking whiskey because dark fucking liquor was screwing with his rosy red fucking complexion.

But don’t fucking worry, Tommy is as fucking frisky as ever. Look at that fucking face, look at those fucking cheeks!

This is the fucking face that fucking God crafted for human-fucking-kind.

So, without further ado, we present you with Tommy’s newest fucking film role!

Yeah, yeah. Mitchell Report. Blah blah blah. Doing this for the kids, blah blah blah, yeah yeah.

Here’s the only thing the kids need to know …

You juice up, and you might lose this honey:

Nice going, David Justice.

Was it really worth it? Did you really need to hit a few percentage points higher?

And that goes for you too, Clemens.

Were all the accolades necessary? When you put your head down on the pillow at night, would you rather stare at some trophies or that sweet, gay face of Mike Piazza?

Kids, remember, ‘roids may take you to the top, but the rage will cost you volumptious titted women and suave mustachioed men.

It just ain’t worth it.

 

 

VIKING QUEST!

Adrian Peterson is from another planet. I think we all agree on that. I’m talkin’ one of those planets where ammonia flows in the rivers.

But after his recent output in week 14 against those lowly gold prospectors from San Francisco, we all pondered how he got stomped just like disco did by the hippies.

14 carries for 9 feet!

We thought we were seeing things! That was until we figured out why he sucked so bad in that game and perhaps in future games to come.

Adrian started having fears, or nightmares if you will, about being asked to be on the cover of Madden ‘09.

I don’t blame him, I wouldn’t want to end up like Garrison Hearst and the other Madden-cursed schlubs either.

That’s pretty much the only thing that’s really slowing him down now as he cruises to Rookie of the Year. That is as long as he forgets about the Madden Curse and slips on a ball like Henry Rowengartner.

I EAT FASTBALLS FOR BREAKFAST

I’ve been a Knicks fan my entire life. I cheered them on through the glory years of Ewing, Rile, Starks, Oakley, Mason, Van Gundy, Houston, LJ, Camby and Sprewell. I cheered them on through the dog days of Layden, Rice, Eisley, Van Horn, Tim Thomas, Marbury, Crawford and Isiah.

Every team has its up and downs. Life is cyclical. Anyone with half a brain knows that what goes up, must come down. So, I’ve been waiting for my Knicks to rise again. Throughout the past few years of mass sucking, I’ve been taunted and ridiculed by fans of other NBA teams. Through it all, I’ve maintained my mantra … “THE KNICKS WILL RISE AGAIN.”

It had to happen. Sometime. It just had to. The Knicks would rise again.

Then, suddenly, the Knicks were 2-1 to begin the 2007-08 season after a dramatic victory over the Nuggets. It had happened. Like a phoenix, the Knickerbockers had risen from the ashes. Ahhh, finally. Time for basketball in New York again.

Ha.

To say things have “changed for the worse” would be more of a gross understatement than saying “John Starks had some motherfucking long-ass balls.” But, the poor situation is not like it has been the past few years. The Knicks have been bad, yet this is something else altogether. It’s an abomination.

The good ship Knickerbocker has been off course, sinking, stuck on the rocks — or whatever boat analogy you want to use — for quite some time now. We’ve become used to it. What’s happening now is beyond disgraceful. Dolan, Isiah, and the rest of these MSG goons are shitting and pissing all over boat. Not only that, they’re disgracing New York as a whole in an entirely new fashion. Losing is something we can take. This? I can’t even comprehend it. What the FUCK is happening here? How can it continue to go on?

Me, I’ve had enough. I’m not going to watch another second, pay another cent, utter another positive syllable about the franchise until its been fucking fumigated. Every night the Knicks play, I hope they get THE FUCKING SHIT KICKED OUT OF THEM. I want booes to reign down on everyone involved. And then I want MSG to become a ghost town. I want this team to play in front of no one at home, with not a soul paying attention.

Tonight, they play the Seattle Sonics, a team with an even worse record than the Knicks. And lord, nothing would make me happier than to have this putrid 5-17 team mop the fucking Garden’s floor with a Knicks team sporting retro Championship season uniforms.

I never thought it would come to this, but I honestly hope the Knicks do not win another game this season. I hate them. I hate them all. Clean the fucking house. Get rid of everybody. Even the young players. They are all infected with Dolan’s cancer. We need an entirely clean slate. We need to get rid of the fat shits and the malcontents. We need to give the decent players a fresh start in the NBA. And then we need to build from scratch.

And if any fucktards out there think this makes me less of a fan, well you’re just a fucking imbeciles that simply don’t get it. I’m a KNICKS fan and that’s WHY I’m not bothering with this joke any longer. This product out on the floor is NOT the New York Knickerbockers. Stop fucking kidding yourself if you support this horseshit. They are wasting valuable seconds of your life when you even think about them for a moment.

So let’s all stop watching, stop attending, stop purchasing and stop supporting this farce in any way or form. Let’s pretend the Knicks are like the Cleveland Browns. They are GONE at the moment. FUCKING GONE. But they will come back. One day, they will.

The Knicks will rise again and we will cheer again.

For now however, it’s time to severe ties.

See you on the other side.

YEEAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!

MARSHAWN SMASH!

LET’S RUN THROUGH A WALL OF ORPHANS!

ONCE I’M DONE WITH JASON TAYLOR, YOU’RE NEXT, HUGO CHAVEZ!

UH-OH, I LEFT THE OVEN ON!

TIME TO WAKE UP MARV FROM HIS AFTERNOON NAP!

I WILL SPIN THE EARTH BACKWARDS ON ITS AXIS TO SAVE LOIS LANE!

WE NEED VOLUNTEERS TO HELP J.P. PACK UP HIS STUFF!

I LIKE STOMPING GRAPES TO MAKE MY OWN WINE!

ENDING BEAst mode …

…. And now I’ll buy flowers for my mother. She’ll like that.

HERNDON, Va. - This is the face of 0-13. The scene: Sunday, December 9 at Jimmy’s Old Town Tavern in Northern Virginia. Jimmy’s is the home-away-from-home for ex-patriate Western New Yorkers, the place to watch Buffalo Bills and Buffalo Sabres games.There’s a long-standing bet at the bar: fans of the Bills’ opponents enter into a bet with the owner, Jimmy. Which ever team loses, that fan gets a pie in the face.These two, dressed like a homeless man’s Christmas tree, are Dolphins fans who just witnessed their team’s 38-17 destruction at the hands of the Bills. They volunteered to take multiple pies in the face in exchange for donations to Fisher House. Bills fans were more than happy to oblige. Video of the humiliation after the jump. (Apologies for the poor quality of the footage. Cell phone cameras are substandard.) (more…)

Just some new info on Bush’s Heisman controversy … which gave us a chance to post the pictures of this years Heisman hopeful’s girlfriend.