ZubazPants.com has learned that Chris Henry was involved in another altercation today, making it number two since his return from suspension.

After getting involved in a parking lot confrontation Tuesday night, sources tell us that Henry headed to Tri-County Mall, where he proceeded to get in line to give his Christmas List to its Santa Claus.

Apparently, after being told he had been “a bad boy” this year, Henry slapped the taste out of Santa’s mouth and said, “What bitch? That’s right I’m a bad boy! I just slapped that shit-eatin’ grin off yo stupid grill.”

Henry was taken away by Toy Cops.

I think I’m falling in love all over again.

In the wake of last night’s exhilarating victory over the Nuggets at MSG, a sense of optimism and let’s face it, pure joy, has found its way into the hearts and souls of New York Knickerbocker fans. I can’t remember the last time I felt this good about these guys.

Of course, the 2007-08 season is a newborn one, and the Knicks are only 2-1, but reasons abound as to why there is actually hope for the immediate future. First off, THANK GOD Zeke did not pull the trigger on a trade that would have sent either David Lee or Renaldo Balkman to the Kings for Ron Artest. Along with Nate Robinson, this trio off the bench is one of the best in the NBA, if not THE best. Certainly No. 1 in energy brough to the table. Balkman was a vision in last night’s game, being referred to as a “fireball” in today’s New York dailies. Although his stat line may not indicate it, Balkman may be more of a reason for the victory than any of the four 20-point scorers — Steph, Craw, Zebo and Curry.

Clearly, Isiah Thomas made the right call when opting to trade Channing Frye as opposed to the other three marquee draft picks from 2005 and 2006. Simply put, Frye was a “pussyface” that brought nothing to the table. Kurt Thomas was never a “great” player when he was with the Knicks, but his toughness, attitude and the “crazy eyes” moniker more than made up for it. Frye essentially replaed KT at the 4, leaving us with a “pussyface” instead of “crazy eyes.” Not a good trade off.

Pussyface lets loose a queef.

Astoundingly, we managed to land Zach Randolph by trading away Pussyface and Steve Francis. Wow. Already, that is looking like the trade of the decade. Zebo has already posted double-doubles in his three games donned in Orange and Blue, and has positively answered any doubts about the effectiveness of the tandem formed with center Eddy Curry. Together, the two have formed a new incarnation of the Natural Disasters.

Mirroring the failure of the WWF’s initial attempt at a Natural Disasters duo, Zeke’s idea of pairing Jerome James and Curry failed miserably. Both were simply too big together, with James acting as the gimp a la Andre “the Giant” at the end of his career. Curry needed another fatboy, just one not as fat as him. Enter Zebo as Typhoon. The analogy fails with Randolph not having been as friendly in Portland as Tugboat, but fuck it, he’s Typhoon with the Knicks now.

It’s just unfortunate that Jimmy Hart isn’t around to drill Jerome James in the knee with a motorcycle helmet.

Kudos to Isiah for tightening the rotation and sticking with the 8-man rotation. Barring any injuries, I don’t want to see anyone besides the troika of Nate, Lee and Balkman entering the game. OK, so Fred Jones (is he just a shrunken Kelvin Cato?) got some playing time, and that’s fine. When Jared Jeffries is healthy, he’ll probably be needed to spell Q at the 3, too. But no one else, and that especially goes for Malik Rose.

I do not — repeat, DO NOT — want to see him ever taking his warm-ups off. I have no idea what he brings to the game (besides his “Toro!” move that gets big men to fall down) and he really has no place or position on the court. PAINT THAT FUCKING WARM-UP ON LIKE IT’S THE SI SWIMSUIT ISSUE!

That is all for now … Viva Los Knickerbockers!

Discuss with ZubazPants.com …

 

Sports Illustrated put out a ranking of the 31(2) NFL football stadiums.  It’s pretty comprehensive as it rates things like food, neighborhood, quality of team and tailgating. 

Sadly, the stadium with the best statistical odds of claiming the number 1 spot (Giants Stadium - Home of the New York Giants and the New York Jets) had an average score of 28 out of 31(2).  Ouch.

Too bad “Famous Mobster Conspiracy Theories” wasn’t a category…..they definitely would have had a shot then.

 The D.C. municipal government is like the Palestinian government, both never miss an opportunity to miss an opportunity. According to this story in the Washington Post, the D.C. City Council is “outraged” the Washington Nationals plan to kickoff the 2008 season – first in the new Nationals Park — with gala events in Maryland instead of the District of Columbia.Since the city paid for the new stadium (a $611 million price tag), apparently it’s elected officials assumed they’d have a monoply on the team’s business. The majority of money in the region (and there’s a lot) is in Virginia and Maryland. The Nats are wise to chase after it, profit-seekers they be. Plus, the first gala is a chartible event to raise money for youth baseball programs in the District.

 ”That’s like taking a stick and poking your eye,” said council Chairman Vincent Gray (D-Imaginationland). ”What a level of ingratitude. The timing is worse than ever. We’re opening the $611 million stadium and . . . to have the annual banquet in [Maryland], that’s staggering.”

Surely somebody with a llama’s sense for business can explain to the council that more vistors to Nationals Park means more money spent in the city. That money will be taxed and increase the flow of funds into the city’s already swelled coffers. In other news, fire=hot.

 (The above photograph is former D.C. mayor and current council member Marion Barry campaigning for re-election.)

With all the hard nosed character that embodies the city of Pittsburgh and the Steelers, it is somewhat surprising that the team has the best female following in the NFL.

A recent survey showed the Steelers have the best female fan following in the league. So, how do you stay fashionable and support your favorite team at the same time?

I am not really sure what ‘best’ is defined as, but KDKA in Pittsburgh ran with it.

Intrepid reporter Kristen Sorensen met up with the Style Sisters and hit the mall to get tips on NFL fashion for women.

Anne, who presumably has a loose pussy, recommends checking your child’s drawer for a jersey. Her so-not-burning-a-bra-at-Heinz-field reasoning is because a tighter fit extenuates the female figure.

I don’t buy it, Anne.

What woman wants to look all hot and spicy in front of a massive heap of viagra-popping, beer-swilling, sausage-grinding creatures?

Anyway, with all that said, I took the liberty of providing some fashion tips for all the ladies out there that will be fantasizing about riding on James Harrison’s throbbing Bang Bros. member attending an NFL game this season.

For the …

New York Jets

Big yellow coat, black collar. Joe Namath’s flaccid inebriated cock gets a heartbeat over that kind of stuff.

Buffalo Bills

Pocketless jeans — that trend is HOT right now in the time warp that is Buffalo. Then just throw on a ‘Jim Kelly destroyed my Mom’s asshole,’ t-shirt.

Miami Dolphins

Go down to the local store. Pick up some walnuts, shave your pits and glue that hair onto the nuts. Attach the nuts to a string and dangle them from your pants. Long Ball Fucking Laura will make up for the lack of testosterone down in Miami.

New England Patriots

It doesn’t really matter what you wear. Bill Belichick has already set up an x-ray system to see what lies beneath the female fan population. He is carefully selecting the best piece of meat to bring home and slam in between heated Risk board game competitions.

New York Giants

Paint your face completely red and wear a Chris Snee jersey that is cut around the neck, exposing maximum amounts of cleavage. On the back, alter the jersey to say, ‘Kate Snee’s Period.’ Watch Tom Coughlin’s cheeks turn red. Repeat as desired. (Snee is married to Coughlin’s daugther, Kate).

Philadelphia Eagles

Sexy RX nurse with a latex glove and enema in hand.

Washington Redskins

Full body condom. Can never be too safe when Smoot is around.

Dallas Cowboys

Dress as Wade Philips’ abortion gone wrong. Just repeat the steps above from Buffalo.

Chicago Bears

Fashion a ‘Rex Grossman deserves to start T-shirt’ with a cannon blowing a huge load onto Griese’s face. (Optional: Cartoon drawing of Rex’s face and arms attached to the cannon — hands should be doing this with a floating Jesus’ hands.)

Detroit Lions

Find that bright orange ‘Fire Millen’ shirt your boyfriend now uses as a cum rag.

Minnesota Vikings

Sexy viking chick with dildos instead of horns on the helemet.

Atlanta Falcons

Dominatrix style getup with a leash and puppy ears attached to your head. Have boyfriend / husband lead you around with a special addition homemade all black Vick jersey.

New Orleans Saints

Gothic ghost of Katrina costume.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Jeff Garcia patchwork jersey. Take a piece from San Fran, Detroit, Philly and Tampa. Alter back of jersey to make it appear as ‘Garcia’d.’ Change the number to 69.

Carolina Panthers

Dress as a sexy baby. Steve Smith has been known to wipe some asses at the stadium.

Cleveland Browns

Shirt that says, ‘Anderson goes deeper.’

By now you get the idea of this madness. Complete the fashion puzzle and pick out a wardrobe for the remaining NFL franchises.

How has Navy not beaten the Terrorists yet? I mean that option is MEAN. Almost unstoppable. How in God’s name are the Terrorists figuring it out? I mean are they running some sort of unheard of defense designed by Osama himself? Is Allah really on their side after all? Surely they don’t have more game tape then Charlie Weis had for that game…….do they?

These are questions that need answers folks………..football is all America has left.

 

Now that we know he is not paralyzed, is it okay to make fun of him?

More than that picture, this demonstrates the futility of the Bengals’ season. From Glenn Holt:

“The bad thing about it was Dhani Jones jumped and hit my helmet at the end and hit my facemask. I lost my two front teeth.”

He had just returned a kickoff for a touchdown.

Stupid Bungles.

The Kingdome, after it gained sentience and realized the futility of Seattle sports.

Now that the Colorado Rockies got their ass handed to them lost to the Boston Red Sox, only four, bottom-of-the-alphabet teams have failed to appear in the Fall Classic: Seattle, Tampa Bay, Texas and Washington. In comparison to the NFL, only six teams have yet to play in a Super Bowl: Arizona, Cleveland, Detroit, Houston, Jacksonville and New Orleans.

Because Major League Baseball is in its third century, I’m surprised that four teams still haven’t appeared in the World Series. Notice that the four are historically inept, but all relative newbies compared to the majority of franchises. The NFL’s growth, compared to baseball, it meteoric. I’m surprised there aren’t more franchises without appearances.

Who will be the last baseball team not to make the World Series? Who will drive their GMC Official Truck of the Super Bowl to the Big Game last?
(more…)

Raider fans will have an unprecedented opportunity to watch actual football on Sunday.  A blackout looms (should be announced by 4pm according to this) which will mean, that instead of taking a well deserved nap during their contest with Houston, they can watch New England @ Indianapolis.

And all the people rejoiced.

This haunted holiday season has brought a smile to the man who is once again the starting quarterback of the Buffalo Bills, J.P. Losman.

J.P. had actually recently bought a house in Buffalo and was knee deep in community work in the inner city of Buffalo when he suffered an injury and was regulated to the bench upon his return.

Well the tables have turned haven’t they. J.P. still lives in his quiet lodging he calls his home and has decked it out in Halloween fashion. The Cincinnati Bengals, the Bills’ opponent this week, are scared shitless that J.P. has stumbled upon the soul of former Bills great Jim Kelly and lit up his J.P O’Lantern with it.

“Oh Fuck!” said Chad Johnson when interviewed in teh Bengals locker room. Coach Marvin Lewis had instead turned fear into motivation for the 2-5 Bengals by posting a picture of J.P.’s special pumpkin on the front of every players locker.

Only time will tell how things go down in J.P’s town this Sunday.