I thought we would start out with something simple for my first entry; a list of my top five all-time favorite white basketball players. We all know the NBA has white guys for one reason, right? The 3-point shot. NO! It’s so that during team showers the brothers can laugh at how funny the genitalia of the honkies look in comparison of the rest of their gangly, awkwardly long-limbed, genetically overgrown bodies. Let’s go!

#5. Jeff Hornacek- This gringo was the main guy the Sixers got in 1992 when they traded hall of famer,11-time all star, league MVP and 2-time gold medal winning power forward Charles Barkely to the Phoenix Suns. Not only was Hornacek white, which was bad enough for us Philly fans, but he looked like Mr. Rogers with his parted hair style from the 1950s, the same way my mom combed it for me until I was 15.

 

4. Kyle Korver- Being the hottest guy in the NBA is a remarkable accomplishment in itself, but it takes more to make my list. The reason this sharp shooting Mormon is here is all due to Shaq. You see, The Big Aristotle, using the detective skills he learned at the Miami Police Academy, refused to take to the court in the 2004 NBA All-Star game because he thought he was about to get Punk’d, mistaking Korver for Ashton Kutcher, star of hilarious romantic comedies such as Guess Who, Just Married, My Bosses Daugher, and A Lot Like Love … I just thought this was funny for some reason.

 

 

3. Jason Kidd- Man, can this guy put up the triple doubles! He may be the best passing/ rebounding point guard ever in the Association. However, his real claim to fame is that alien son of his. I remember watching the Nets on TV when they had their finals run in the early 2000’s and I would ask my friends why a giant turd with Mr. Potato head accessories plugged into it and a 13 year-old Mexican boy mustache was allowed in the arena. Then I found out Joumana birthed T.J anally instead of vaginally, so it all made sense.

2. Toni Kukoc- This former sixth man of the year makes the list because he sums up something very important for white players. The shitty nick name. White players never get cool nick names like The Answer, Vinsanity, Dr. J, Mad Max or Shaq-fu. No instead they get nick names like the one Toni had, The Waiter. THE FUCKING WAITER! I’m sure that just the mental image of “waiters” strikes fear in the hearts of opposing players … because you know how the blacks like to tip at resturants

 

 

#1.Shawn Bradley- The 1993 draft was not a great one, C-Webb went number one, and the rest is filled with busts and injury plagued players like Jamal Mashburn, Isaiah Rider, and Allan Houston. However, with the second pick in the lottery the Sixers’ management sat in their front offices for months, deliberating who to pick, and eventually the geniuses used the same logic middle school basketball coaches use when recruiting players to the team in 6th grade, “pick the tallest guy”. Did the Sixers learn anything from having Manute Bol on the team in 1992? FREAKISHLY TALL SKINNY PLAYERS SUCK ASS IN THE NBA! Aside from that, they look really weird. Shawn Bradley could be a character from a Tim Burton movie, who was found living in a dungeon somewhere and then taken in to society by a kind family only to be swindled by some sleazy agent to play in the NBA because he was so abnormally tall. I’m sure Shawn has had his fair share of awkward moments in his life.

Who are YOUR favorite white players (and by white I’m including Mike Bibby, Doug Christie, etc.)?

-The NBAsshole

This entry was posted on Saturday, November 10th, 2007 at 10:20 pm and is filed under Basketball. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.