Yesterday’s clubbing of the Baltimore Orioles got me thinking about how an individual’s perception of a franchise is shaped by when somebody is born. The O’s went 1-2 in three straight World Series from 1969-1971 with two more appearances in 1979 and 1983. I’m sure in my father’s mind, the Orioles were a model franchise now fallen on hard times.

But for me, they’ve pretty much always sucked because to their mediocre-to-terrible play since I became aware of baseball. I was three in 1983, so that last World Series appearance is rather irrelevant. Ten straight losing seasons since 1997 obliterates that “ancient” World Series success.

The New York Islanders are a similar case. They won four consecutive Stanley Cups from 1980 to 1983. Since then, “garbage” is a polite term for that franchise over the past 15 seasons. Again, model franchise fallen on hard times from my father’s perspective. Puke bucket franchise from my perspective. Those four Cups might as well occurred in the 18th Century.

 What other franchises fit the above model?

What about a franchise from your youth that was great (Toronto Blue Jays, Buffalo Bills), but has since “fallen on hard times”?

Man, I thought the Ravens’ defense would be the strength of their Super Bowl run this year. But to give up four touchdowns to the team from Dallas? I thought they were better than that.

Oh, wait.

The Texas Rangers became the first team in 110 years to score 30 runs in a game, setting an American League record Wednesday in a 30-3 rout of the Orioles.

Trailing 3-0 in the opener of a doubleheader, the Rangers scored five runs in the fourth, nine in the sixth, 10 in the eighth and six in the ninth.

Is it really that shocking to learn this will be Baltimore’s tenth consecutive losing season?

According to ESPN, the last time the RAVENS surrendered 30 points in Baltimore was November 2003.

“My eyes! The goggles! They do nothing!”

In a very Rodney Dangerfield-esque move, Mike Flynt, 59, is going back to school.

Flynt, who is the son of a Battle of the Bulge survivor, a successful gold miner and earth raper an oil man, was clearly not going to follow Rodney’s steps and join Team Louganuis.

Yes, it had to be the manliest of sports … FOOTBALL.

Flynt returned to Sul Ross State this month, 37 years after he left and six years before he goes on Medicare. His comeback peaked Wednesday with the coach saying he’s made the Division III team’s roster. He could be in action as soon as Sept. 1.

Flynt, who lists getting kicked off the football team his senior year of college as his biggest regret — despite the fact he has been pillaging mother earth’s nether region for god knows how many years — explained how he was going to be able to hang with kids half his age.

“Well, I have old man strength,” he said. “These hands ** Clenches fists as liver spots turn red ** have spanked a lot of ass. I don’t intend on stopping here. And, one more thing, these hemorrhoids ** scrapes ass with sandpaper ** they keep me angry. Real angry.”

Mike Flynt never said the above quotation. And I want to make this clear, since the lunatic was kicked out his senior year of college for breaking too many faces.

Jack La Lanne is smiling down on you, Mike.

Now go get your Rodney Dangerfield on.

Tragedy struck the shores of Milwaukee — yes, Milwaukee has shores — as former NBA star Latrell Sprewell’s 70-foot yacht, Milwaukee’s Best, was repossessed by the bank holding the loan.

No word if Barry Darsow was the Repo Man that actually did the repossessing.

God damn this world. GOD DAMN IT TO HELL! First Sprewell can’t afford to feed his children, and now he can’t make payments on his “megayacht.” I’m guessing that Spree is going to have to choke a bitch down at the bank.

TO SHUT THE FUCK UP!

In a shocking turn of events, Eli Manning fired back at ex-teammate Tiki Barber Tuesday, essentially telling the running back turned opinion machine to stick it where the sun don’t shine.

“I’m not going to lose any sleep about what Tiki has to say,” Manning said before practice at the University at Albany. “I guess I could have questioned his leadership skills last year with calling out the coach and having articles about him retiring in the middle of the season, and (how) he’s lost the heart (to play). As a quarterback you’re reading that your running back has lost the heart to play the game and it’s about the 10th week. I can see that a little bit at times.”

ZING!

Wow. I’m shocked that our little Elizah came out and blasted Barber in that fashion, seemingly coming ever so close to calling him a “traitorous cunt.” Oh, how he has grown. It still seems like yesterday that he was making pig vomit faces at the NFL Draft and wiping the milk off his peach fuzz mustachio.

God that picture makes me nauseous. Fuck it, Eli’s still a schmuck.

A brief, non-sports related interlude for your Wednesday morning. Because their interns needed something to do, Forbes.com ranked the best cities for singles in the United States. Many factors that decided the overall rankings (job growth, nightlife, cost of living, etc.) San Francisco-Oakland was ranked best for singles. Providence, RI was ranked worst out of 40 cities. Buffalo ranked 31st. However, one category that determined the overall ranking was the ever-amorphous “Coolness.”

Buffalo is 15th coolest city for you single guys and gals. (Las Vegas was #1, Columbus, OH was #40).

A brief list of cities Buffalo beat out in “Coolness”:

Miami (#16)
Austin (#18)
New Orleans (#19)
San Antonio (#20)
St. Louis (#21)
Virginia Beach-Norfolk (#23)
Pittsburgh (#24)
Houston (#28)
Phoenix (#30)

Who needs sexy, young kids in tight-fitting clothing when the alternative is bleu cheese and Hiroshima-like muffin tops?

Go Bills.

Ok, so Mike Vick is a prick. We all know that. He pleaded guilty and is now ready for some doggy style of his own. Dog the Bounty Hunter isn’t even coming for his ass, he’s so disgusted.
However, what if the dogs could fight back. Dogs can kick some tailbone and if given the chance, they would make mincemeat of Mike and his “frontline”.

Let’s check out some potential matchups!

Vick Vs. Snoopy

The most notorious dog in history. He’s never in the doghouse; he sleeps on top of it.

Vick plays on a team of 50+, but recently his friends have showed their true feelings. Three of his four buddies have stabbed him in the back and are willing to testify against him. His entourage is thinning like a Hollywood female.

Snoopy on the other hand is rolling 20 deep. You got Charlie, Pig Pen, Schroeder, Linus. Not to mention the groupies. Peppermint Patty, Sally, Lucy. The list goes on and on!

In the end, the Peanuts characters would mop the floor with the Atlanta Flacons. They have been together for just too long and are too loyal.

Winner: Snoopy

Vick Vs. Spud MacKenzie

While Snoops has a good guy image, Spud can keep up with Vick off the field as well. He’s a party animal, pun intended, and has a black eye to prove it.

When he’s not drinking down Budweisers, he’s shooting hoops, racecar driving, and hanging out with beautiful woman.

Vick on the other hand is fighting dogs. Spud is so laid back he falls asleep during football games.

Vick is a prick and shouldn’t even be in the same category as Spud.

Winner by unanimous vote: SPUD!

Vick Vs. this video

No contest, nobody could beat this video.

Winner: the DOGS!!!

WOW, clean sweep! Even I didn’t expect this.

Whether it’s Terrell Owens, Barry Bonds or Mike Vick, ESPN always has something not having ANYTHING to do with sports highlights jammed up in your face. When I eat my bowl of cereal before work, I want to see what happened during the GAMES last night. I want to see balls getting hit out of a stadium with a stick. I want to see balls getting thrown through hoops. I want to see balls getting kicked through goal posts.

Is this so much to ask?

I used to watch SportsCenter to escape from it all, now all I get is an endless loop of Vick — or whoever the current schmuck of the day is — walking in and out of buildings with a bunch of jackasses in tow.

Please make it stop.

Please, let’s go back to the old days … (NSFW)

I’m sorry, that’s what happens to the brain after ESPN launches one of its all-out assaults and has every single person that can form a syllable weighing in on the controversy du jour.

Please guys, just give me some fucking sports highlights. That’s what fucking ESPN is there for. No one gives a flying fuck what a wash-up like Joe Horn thinks about Vick. I think I even heard Bozo the fucking Clown dish out his 2 cents on the subject this morning.

At least we know what a sick fuck he is now …

“The dogs know what happens if they lose, but are still living. Oh yes, they know. BANG BANG, Fido!”

An oldie, but a goodie. I particularly enjoy Snarly Chest Hair rationalizing drafting Ken O’Brien over Dan Marino. I always enjoy anything that brings pain to one of New Jersey’s two football teams.