Dog Blood Will Not Rain On Goodell’s Parade
Roger Goodell — musing on the upcoming NFL season and the media hoopla surrounding Mike Vick’s penchant for poor pet ownership — explained that the league will remain a top dog.
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell insisted Michael Vick-related news is not eclipsing enthusiasm about the game itself.
“I don’t think it’s overshadowing the season,” Goodell said Thursday after visiting with Detroit Lions coaches and players. “I think our fans are excited about football, but I understand the interest in the story.”
Yea, I agree. People won’t be put off — in the least — because, after all, we are watching 325 lb. men try and destroy each other. We, as Americans, live for this, Mr. Gooddell. Have no fear.
However, if that weren’t the case, and we were suddenly whipped up in a rash of 1960’s revolutionary spirit, Goddell’s words could be equated to the following situations.
Just fill in the blanks … “If the Michael Vick incident will have NO bearing on the NFL’s quest in global domination, then … __________”
- Katrina and the ghosts left behind will have NO bearing on the attendance at Mardi Gras.
- The Buffalo Bills overall poor attendance last season will have NO bearing on the team’s eventual westward move.
- Flavor Flav’s commercially driven masquerade on VH1 will have NO bearing on the opinions of original fans of Public Enemy.
- Ray Allen’s curious situation in Connecticut will have NO bearing on the public’s overall view of New England as a utopia.
- Watching a Phish (if they were still alive) show sober will have NO bearing on the enjoyment of the experience, especially watching Trey’s longing face during his solos.
- Prince’s future antics on stage will have NO bearing on a cooter that was nurtured and worn in during the 1980’s.
- Eric Mangini’s burgeoning star power will have NO bearing on how the New York media judges him in his sophomore season.
- John Sterling’s LSD trips in the 1960’s will continue to have NO bearing on his selection of nicknames for Yankee players.
- Suzyn Waldman’s bowling alley vagina will have NO bearing on her achieving climax.
- Indian Point’s prime location on the serene Hudson River will have NO bearing on the overall quality of life for river folk.
- Hugh Hefners’s flacid, vein cluttered penis will have NO bearing on him being able to please all those thirsty clits.
- Jay Mohr’s column on Foxsports.net will have NO bearing on the credibility of the site and the sports media as a whole.
- Kevin Bacon and Michael Jordan’s decision to do an underwear commercial together will have NO bearing on the amount of homoeroticism jokes made during the 30 seconds it airs.
- Bringing your 5-year-old child to the Meadowlands will have NO bearing on “Herpes” being his show and tell “show” in first grade.
- Eating the microwavable chicken wings from the vending machine will have NO bearing on the fireballs shooting out of your ass later that day that Mario and Luigi would be envious of.
- Drafting Grimace from McDonald’s with your first round pick will have NO bearing on your last place finish in the annual fantasy football league.
- Letting Michael Jackson coach a little league T-Ball team will have NO bearing on “Little” Johnny Thompson’s shooting spree at Disney World 25 years from now.
- Sharing a case of Schlitz with Kerry Collins at your Christmas party will have NO bearing on your lack of a buzz and that mysterious pile of shit in the shower.