Our clownish friend, Bruce Beck, caught up with good ol’ Tommy C. before the Giants vs. Pats pre-season game at Foxboro. Word is that Tommy had an Irish lunch — 12 pints of Guinness, mashed potatoes with Baileys gravy and corn beef marinated with Jameson. He didn’t even use a fork to eat it.
Well, he isn’t quite sure about his job security, wants Eli’s balls to drop and still wants to skewer Tiki.
Right on, Tommy!
Enjoy!
It’s about time the USA put a decent basketball team together. You got Carmelo, James, and Bryant. We as a country are in a war and we need to show the rest of the world we can still ball.
A good basketball team can really do a lot for a country’s self esteem. Anybody remember the first Dream Team? It’s like the USA created this beautiful monster and sent it out to destroy other countries, Terminator style. Any coincidence we later won the Gulf War? I think nah-uh.
That first team was so good they had not one, not two, not three, but FOUR (shizzle) white guys on it! And one guy was still in high school I believe. They didn’t even need a coach, they just threw Chuck Daly in for kicks. I could have coached them to at least the bronze.
Then there was the first game.
Holy shit.
Angola apparantly has a basketball team. And it went like this: Michael Jordan shot free throws with his eyes closed, Barkley was texting on the court, and Pippen impregnated a woman during a timeout. All that leads to a 116-48 gang banging.
I laughed at other teams, I even cheered on Scottie Pippin, and I was proud to be an American.
Here’s to you Mr. USA:
Time for an update on James Dolan and the pussy handlers at MSG.
James Dolan — otherwise known as the new king of smut — and the MSG empire have released some footage from the ‘Making of the New York City Dancers’ documentary.
MSG, who have grown tired of airing their 50 greatest moments — in the once hallowed halls — of Madison Square Garden, have resorted to selling their only viable product … ASS.
Believe it or not, there was actually a time when you had to get into the Garden to get a sneak peek at Patrick Ewing’s hoes. But now, since the Knicks are resigned to having Zen Marbury as their headstrong leader, the focus has gone from inside the arena to the television set, where they will attempt to keep you cumming back for more with their own special brand of skin-emax.
Now, I’m not completely against this. It’s tits and ass. Not too big of a stretch for the ape man in all of us. However, seeing that these chicks are making DIRT each game — my estimate is $75 — and are being exploited as a product — which is far more aesthetically pleasing than what is being displayed on the court — is just wrong.
I guess, what it comes down to, is that the Knicks — as a professional basketball team — cannot hold a candle to the ass that shakes during halftime and timeouts.
It is a sad day to be a Knicks fan. Not only are women being used in Dolan’s attempts at deflecting attention off the rotting corpse that is the Knicks, but we, as men, are being teased with ass to subvert the real heart of the matter.
In short: James Dolan has created a peep show for hollowed out Knicks fans, who, by god’s grace, still have balls after being pummeled in them repeatedly throughout the years.
Case of the Mondays got you down? Well, we here at ZubazPants.com have just the remedy to help you kick those blahs. As past members of the Champs Sports/Foot Locker family, we dabbled in quite a bit of shenanigans in our college days. Here, every Monday, we’ll share a prank we pulled that you could do right in your cubicle!
Alright, this week’s “Fun With Foot Locker” was one of my personal favorites while working at Champs Sports up at college in Buffalo. I was the employee in this situation, but it’s an easy one to spin around with a prank call.
Fire in the hole.
Tommy ‘Red Cheeks’ is fucking pissed.
After slamming a quart of Tullamore Dew during the first half of the Jets vs. Giants pre-season game, he really let it rip at halftime.
Hey, good fa’ him.
David Boston — a highly trained athlete — goes through the field sobriety dance on video.
Is this news?
Naw.
Just another high priced black athlete getting choked out by the white man with a badge.
Did you hear about that Mike Vick shit?
Alright, I made this video last night during the Mets vs. Padres game.
Ron Darling, the clumsy genius that he is, uttered this all too CLASSIC phrase.
“Don’t try to take Mr. Met’s gun; he’s in charge.”
This phrase will live on in INFAMY.
I’ve read off-hand comments over the years questioning why Jacksonville was awarded an NFL franchise in 1993. True, the city’s population is larger than a number of other NFL cities, but college athletics was/is king for the North Florida/Southern Georgia military town.
Who could guess the Jaguars would bow to the inevitability that loyalty by donating $30,000 to Planned Parenthood of Northeast Florida? I’m not sure it’s a wise business model to give money to an organization whose mission is to keep as few new football fans as possible from being born. According to the press release, the Straight Talk grant is for reducing teen pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. Nothing indicates the money is earmarked for abortion procedures, but still. Whose to say that money didn’t purchase a new vacuum cleaner?
Now I think Willis McGahee ended up on the wrong team.
Alright, this is a new feature we will be rolling out here.
It is titled simply: This Is My Fucking News
It entails taking an article and tweaking it to fit one’s sensibilities. So, here goes …
Pro Basketball Fucking: Redick enjoying Hedonizing Himself
By Luciana Chavez LosLoseeBoy
Raleigh News & Observer Zubaz Pants With A Dick Hole Union
LAS VEGAS — J.J. Redick knew he wouldn’t be rolling sidling, sucking and slurping with LeBron James and Kobe Bryant on the U.S. senior men’s basketball fuck squad beyond Tuesday.
The LeBron & Kobe Show wheat bread sandwich— minus Redick a flaccid cream cheese Duke member — started play against Venezuela Hugo Chzvez’s militia in the FIBA Americas Oil For Blood Championship Wednesday as the United States Pilgrim’s Vision on Acid attempts to qualify for the 2008 Olympics in Beijing Faux Communism Central.
Redick can’t help this U.S. team (maybe in ‘10 the year of the rat or ‘12 the year of the cock, he says), but his nine days working of trying to get hard with the national squad this summer will set him up, he believes, for a better ram worthy second NBA season with the Orlando Magic Shaq fucked us.
“I’ve done a series of things to prepare me for next year — like working learning the optimal doggy style position from Kobe out in Orlando, Fla., then playing trying it out (on some Minnie Mouse pussy) in the summer league there, then going to the U.S. mini-camp train running competition (in July) and now here; just trying to gain momentum enough sensation to climax,” Redick said before flying home to Orlando Cinderella’s lair late Monday night.
“It’s five weeks theNBA (preseason) I look in the mirror and compare myself to Peter North starts. So I’ll take a week off and then get back at it.”
His rookie season didn’t go well. Before Orlando drafted the former Duke star elephantits king, Redick had been trying to recover from a nagging back rectal injury.
Once healed, Redick came off the bench slid off a Dwight Howard sculpted dildo for 42 regular-season games extra sessions in the sauna and averaged 6.0 points cum blasts in 14.8 minutes per game playing under fucking session behind former coach Brian Hill.
Redick acknowledges his first NBA season didn’t go as planned.
In 2007-08, Redick will be playing with a new coach sauce mate in Stan Van Gundy, who already told the ACC’s all-time leading scorer underage fucker that he’d earn his playing time with his effort on defense shaving his pubes, deceiving the nation about what little god given talent he has.
“That’s what we discussed,” Redick said. “He said I couldn’t have done anything else to prove myself in his (cum craving) eyes, but that I will play fuck next year. And how much I play fuck and if I star all depends on my focus on defense ability to really control the mach 3 as it curves around my cave of chocolate . I appreciate his candor.”
The 6-foot-4 Redick must defend inseminate shooting guards such as the Los Angeles Lakers’ Bryant, the Milwaukee Buck’s Michael Redd and the Memphis Grizzlies’ Mike Miller in the NBA. Redick had a chance to defend against fuck around with all three of the taller guards while working out with the U.S. national team.
“It has been good,” Redick said. “The thing is, no one can stop make Kobe cum. He’s the best player tightest guy in the world. You just play fuck as hard as possible and contest just continue praying for even a little bit of his cum to leak out.”
And that’s as far as I will go with that nightmarish ramble through the world of Reddick and SEX.
Thanks if you made it this far, you sick, sick, sick individual.
All is not well in Brady land, despite the happy news you may have heard.
With word out of Boston that Tom Brady’s ex-girlfriend Bridget Moynahan gave birth to a baby boy for him, a nasty rumor has floated around leading people to believe the child is not Brady’s first.
According to sources close to the Drew Bledsoe family, Brady fucked Drew’s career so viciously that — in some bizarro world twist — Bledsoe somehow became pregnant in early 2002.
“It might sound like something straight out of a Hollywood vehicle written for Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito, but I assure it is true,” said Dr. Norman Jones, the Bledsoe family physician. “I couldn’t believe it myself … however, the effects of the Mo Lewis hit combined with Brady’s subsequent raping and pillaging of the NFL and Bledsoe’s career had a profund impact on Drew’s mental state. In the end, he felt like a rape victim, and somehow his brain BELIEVED it too, triggering the pregnancy. I don’t know if stranger things have ever happened.”
The child — named “Guy” by Bledsoe — has been hidden away since birth, but an artist’s rendering does exist:
Well, now we know what happens when you cross a cabbagecock with a twatwaffle.
