Sorry I haven’t written in a while, but hey, I was busy winning Most Valuable Player Awards. Someone around here has to win something.

So this is the last season at Yankee Stadium. It’s great to be a part of, cause even if we suck the fans will still come for the gimmick year. Pride, Power, Pinstripes was last year’s saying. Lifes a Beach is this years motto.

Also part of my new contract entitles me to 30 DL days, gotta use them or lose them.

So what do I think fo the new guys?

They suck, all of them. Especially Morgan Ensberg.

First day he comes up I tell him to hold my bats for me during batting practice, and he fucking pretended not to speak to Spanish.

I said, “Hey amigo, chop chop, ¡Andale! ¡Andale! ¡Arriba! ¡Arriba!”

Then I realized I wasn’t speaking to Alberto Gonzales, the infield utility guy.

It was Morgan. What baseball player has that name anyway?

I thought I was getting a water girl when I saw that name on the roster text I got from D2J, Derek Jeter.

Aight I gotta go get ready to go out, Latroy Hawkins snuck a bottle into the clubhouse cause he heard the game might be rained out, so I’ve been wasted since noon.

Then I took a nap in the trainers room. Just told Girardi I was resting my knee, or quad, or whatever it was.

Before I go, check out this glossy photo I got of Shane Spencer from a few years back! Man he was so gay, Manny Ramirez sent this to me Opening Day.

Manny you so crazy.

Alex’s A-vice for the Week:

“Always swing for the homer, even if you fail, there’s always the next at-bat”

Chow

We knew.

We’ve been talking about it for a long time.

At least since February.

That this year’s NBA playoffs would be the best in the history of the NBA.

We may end up being wrong, but so far it’s been fun to watch.

The Hornets are about to knock out the Mavericks, which many fans would consider an upset. I mean the Mavs traded a LOT to get Jason Kidd. Kidd all of a sudden looks like an Atari compared to Chris Paul.

Even though the Spurs are up 3-1, nobody should count the Suns out. Game 1 was historic and you can bet the Suns won’t go out easy, if they go out at all…..

Utah and the Lakers are keeping up their end of the bargain.

Now to the East.

I feel filthy watching the Cavs-Wiz. All the Wizards hate Lebron James and they like to physically abuse him every chance they get. I would just love to see Lebron go ape shit and slap the shit out of Deshawn Stevenson, but that’s why Lebron is so good, he’s not stupid like 90% of NBA players.

The Magic and finishing the Raptors this very minute.

And the Celtics might run into a little speed bump with the Hawks.

But how about those fucking 76′ers. Scaring the shit out the Pistons as we speak.

Win or loss, you have to feel good about yourself if your a Sixer fan. If it wasn’t for a fierce 2nd half the other night by Detroit, Philly was looking at a 3-1 lead.

They make the Pistons look old, and the beginning of the end for Detroit may have been pronounced these past few games.

Everybody has always said the first round was the best, and now it just got better.

Except those 2-headed commercials. Them are just plain ugly, especially the one with Jason Kidd and Chris Paul. Nastyville.

The Fave Five: 2003 Draft.

 Those funnier than ever commercials staring Dwayne Wade and Charles Barkley. Barkley accidentally proposing in one, Wade shrinking a lollipop in his mouth in another, and Barkley constantly Wade kicking out of his Fave Five.

 And you know what else is funny.

 How an entire sports league can change face in one day. A day when the league isn’t even playing games. Except the joke is on New York who can never get their hands on one of these guys.

 This was the draft Dwayne Wade moon walked to number 4. Let alone Charles Barkley’s Fave Five, he barely made the NBA’s Top 5.

 How different would the league be if a few teams could go back and draft differently? I know the Pistons wonder that question sometimes. But really the only question that day in June should have been, Wade or Melo?

 That should have been Darko’s nickname…The Question. Because why would anyone pick him second? That would be his number too.

What happens to Darko?! Read on to find out!

 
Let’s start at #2 since even Isiah Thomas would have taken LeBron James at #1 had the Knicks rigged the draft.

 Pick #2, The Detroit Pistons.

 What the ef?

 I know you just won the championship weeks earlier, but that was no reason to mail in your lotto pick. Were you guys rubbing it in? You are so good you can draft whoever the fuck you want, you ain’t got time for that kinda stuff.

Somebody have too much to smoke before tipoff?

 
Well how did that work out for ya?

 Picture Chris Bosh tag teaming the front line with the Big Bad Nasty Afro Wearing Tattooed Wallace cousins, almost like a mini gang within a team. They would have been the original Big 3, not Boston.

 However in this draft they don’t select Bosh either, they take Carmelo Anthony and totally rub out Rip. Carmelo makes the Pistons unstoppable and they dominate the East for years winning 2 more championships.

Carmelo and LaLa.

 See he would have fit right in with Detroit. You think him and Sheed could have baked out a whole plane together?

 The possibilities we were sheeded of.

Pick #3, The Devner Nuggets.

 The Heat don’t rise to power because with the 3^rd pick the Nuggets, having just been Melo’ed by the Pistons, settle for Dwayne Wade.

Him and Camby get tattoos together every month

 
Dwayne fills the hole that was meant for Carmelo Anthony teaming with Kenyon Martin, Camby, Nene, and Andre Miller. That’s not only a great basketball team, it would have won you fantasy basketball back then.

 They even dropped the gay pride logo for something much more heterosexual.

Looks like the symbol for the Gay Mafia

 Soon down the line Nene and a package of others get sent to Minnesota for Kevin Garnett. The very next day Andre Miller is traded to Seattle for Ray Allen. One year the Nuggets sneak a championship in, but then they just become filler after that.

 This is the eventual Big 3 that would terrorize the first half of the 2007-08 season, then all get arthritis by the times playoffs come. Eventually getting bounced out by the Atlanta Hawks.

 Red Sox Nation is falling down.

 Maybe. Probably not though.

 
Pick #4, The Miami Heat

 Miami picks next and Pat Riley foams at the mouth when he sees who just fell into his lap, Chris Bosh. Team this guy with Lamar Odom & Caron Butler and watch it grow. cha-cha-cha-CHIA!

 Pat Riley will grow a point guard in his basement, or maybe suit up himself, and badda bing you got yourself a team. Maybe not good enough to win a title from anyone….yet.

 So this leaves the last Five Fave.

 
Pick #5, The Toronto Raptors

 Darko Milicic and the fucking Toronto Raptors. A match made in heaven.

 A tall skinny white international player and Canada. You couldn’t set this up better if you were Roger Clemens at a Jose Canseco steroid BBQ.

 With absolutely no pressure from the Toronto Maple Leaf Times, Darko arrived like Pacman at the strip joint. He made noise.

 Darko starts an International-Amercian war inside the NBA. He recruits all the top international player to come play for the Raptors. All of a sudden you got Steve Nash, Dirk Nowitzki, Tony Parker, and Yao Ming. America is fucked. It’s worse than Rocky IV, because this is real life.

 Eventually every franchise moves to Canada, re-naming the league to CBA (why?) and the NBA becomes a lost memory like the ABA.

 Michael Jordan is forgotten and isn’t even worth a Canadian dollar soon. Darko becomes the heir to Wayne Gretzsky as Canada’s New Golden Boy. Prince Darko.

 Now that is a top 5.

 If only the Pistons hadn’t ef’ed it all up.

February is for lovers and who says sports can’t have a little rhyme to the word.

Here is an original piece courtesy of Gary Cancun:

A quiet man made alot of noise today

I want to forget this day
and got back to when everything was ok

But i know that can’t happen
you did what you did and now
my heart is broken

You fooled us all with your innocent smile
Who knew that behind it all
you were so vile
It’s all gone in the matter of an hour
words of respect have now turned sour
You threw it all away
in 3 days, 2 decades of accallades

Warrior to murderer
Legend to forgotten
Like you never exsisted,                                                         you’ve been black listed

I believe the wolferine was the best ive seen
I wonder if you knew what would happen
when it was all said and done
before you killed yourself, your wife and your son….

I will now turn my back on it all
It hurts to much to watch another hero fall

If you thought you’d be lighting a candle for the Knicks this year, don’t bother wasting your match.

However, there is one player who can always light up the game: Renaldo Balkman.

Many confuse him with the popular 1980’s Maverick, Ronaldo Blackman. This Balkman is more like the stoner cousin 2000 version. Laid back, long hair, and shows up late to every game.

His nickname is Kool. No really, it is.

So who is this guy? What else is in Balkman’s closet besides a 5.6 ppg and 4.2 rebound average?

For one thing, he might be the most recognizable player in the league compliments of his overgrown hair, which he vows to never cut again.

I am angered by that statement. He should shave that if the Knicks make the playoffs this year.

His lucky number is 34, which he may someday regain with Eddie Curry only making cameo appearances nowadays. Eddie is pretty much dancing his way out the door.

Besides his hunger for the basketball, Balkman also has an appetite for food, as his college major was restaurant management.

Can you imagine asking for the manager at a restaurant to pronounce your dissatisfaction, and then Balkman comes out?

I know I would quickly change my tune.

When asked what food he would choose to live on forever if deserted, he chose patti melts.

But since he doesn’t cook, he likes to munch on pizza and peach soda. Never heard of peach soda before, but being raised in Florida they probably put peaches in everything.

Pizza in Florida is skeptical at best, so being drafted by New York must be a pizza prayer answered for this guy.

That is pretty much all we could find on Renaldo. The guy is a mystery only Robert Stack could handle.

But hey, this is more than we knew before. And who knows, maybe we’ll all be eating at his restaurant one day . . . Balks Famous Melts. Just check your food for hair first.

Living in NY can have several advantages. One of them is the thousands of sports franchises. We even take in New Jersey, especially since the Soprano’s moved there.

New Jersey is that little brother that will never be as big as us, but they will probably win more championships. We even use their backyard to play our football games.

I know baseball recently has been the number one story in town the past decade or so with the Yankees and Mets always putting on great seasons.

But now that I look back at it, I think the Yankee Dynasty really destroyed sports for NY. They were so good and made it look so easy.

I mean I thought they were gonna storm MSG one night when the Knicks were playing, sub themselves in, and take over the league. I never thought they could lose again.

Shitily though, dynasties don’t last. The Yankees didn’t fall hard though, they just lost games they used to always win. Shit happens. I mean shit hadn’t happened for 5 years, it was time for some shit……to start happening.

Not that the Yankees are dead meat when they play, they always looked overmatched now in playoff games.

Right now I’m pretty glad to be a Knicks fan. Yea they are losing every game, but Knicks might have a lottery pick this year. Possibly in the top 3 with this losing pace.

When the Knicks win now, the other team must feel like they just got molested. A dirty, not so sure what-just-happened feeling.
The Knicks make headlines though. Isiah keeps it busy being stupid and Marbury is trying to get his acting career going.

Losing isn’t terrible, it just makes winning seem so much better.

Even if we have to wait for Lebron James’ first son.

Has there been a bigger decline in play in recent memory than Heat center Shaquille O’Neal?

Not even a year and a half ago it was Shaq (not Dwayne Wade) who led a Miami city to its first ever NBA Championship.

Now? He doesn’t even get drafted in fantasy basketball.

His fall from grace is reflected in his team’s horrible record to start the season. Even at full strength, which isn’t much beyond Shaq and Dwayne, they don’t scare the moribund Grizzlies.

Age has simply caught up with the big guy.

While he is certainly declining it’s still not something to be laughed at, because it could be far worse, he could have Eddie Curry’s career. But he’s slower than ever, hardly can jump, and god he sucks even more at free throws.

Check out these numbers from the 02-03 season with the Lakers:

Guy was a beast house. 27 points, 11 boards, 3 blocks, 3 assists, and shot 57%.

Now he’s throwing up 14 points, 7 boards, 2 blocks, and barely 1 assist.

It’s sad to see possibly the best center ever drop from the ranks so hard.

Imagine Tim Duncan waking up tomorrow and sucking the rest of the year, that’s what it feels like.

Shaq thru the years:

Back when Shaq could dribble a ball up court

When Kobe wasn’t having sex with girls in Denver, him and Shaq were great partners

Looks like Shaq’s smuggling Buicks these days

I always said NY will one day get Shaq, and I bet in 2 years, James Dolan will sign the once dominant center. Yikes.

Now raise your hand if you are gay.

No offense, but it must be so hard to be a Celtic fan right now.

All those put down articles about how overrated Pierce, Garnett, and Allen are. I mean, it’s gotta suck to have that. You gave up so much, the future is gone. So long 2015 championship.

This is what Boston’s offseason looked like:

But wait that sucks. Because the Celts traded Nintendo games to the Sonics for Ray Allen and the T’Wolves got half your bench. A bench that paved the way to a 14-68 season last year.

That was last year, it’s 2007 and the Celtics are playing like the Dream Team. The only team in their way is the Spurs, and that’s like a million months away right now. And Tim Duncan is just a right ankle sprain away from an early Spurs playoff exit.

A Duncan injury would open the door for the Denver Nuggets, who will be this year’s uninvited guest to the Finals, the way the Rockies crashed their way to a World Series raping.

But yeah, it’s bad for this guy right here. This guy right here typing away is a Knicks fan. Where the only headlines are for sex, murder, and mayhem!

Watching the Knicks is like watching foil in the microwave.

But back to the Celtics. They are piledriving their way through the competition. And the worst part is Garnett only likes to score eight points a game now just to rub it in. He doesn’t even play 4th quarters. He’s popping the champagne after every game.

They also have the St. Patrick’s Day Parade. K.G. is living it up.

It gives so much hope though that one of my teams could go from virgins to champions in one year.

Until then I’ll continue to watch the Starbury Microwave sold at Steve and Barry’s for $6.49.

Thirty seconds of love, a day of pleasure.

That is how I feel about my long time lover: ESPN Sportscenter commercials.

Maybe it’s just me, but I love commercials. Shit, I actually make extra money on the side bootlegging them.

Love them so much I would rather watch commercials than the actual show. However, nothing waxes my surfboard like a great Sportscenter commercial.

These guy have taken self promotion to a whole notha level.

The only guys in the locker room with Sportscenter is the Cavemen and Gecko from Geico.

Seeing these commercials make me believe there is a fantasy land full of athletes. Where the Denver Nuggets are gold miners and the NY Knicks are janitors.

Here’s a personal favorite: Old Timer’s Day

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2CEk7z-UwS4]

Grandma you so crazy.

Ok here’s “The New Kid”

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0HxRkFtIIdA]

And to think we all went to college after High School.

Now, the all time best.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L6tiHb5uxtw&feature=related]

Who writes these things? I want them writing my wedding vows.

Let’s all dream that one day Sportscenter Land will become reality. Where Mickey is replaced by Babe Ruth, Minnie becomes Anna Kournikova, and Reggie Miller turns into Dumbo.

We all laughed a few years ago. It was fun to joke around with. Hell we didn’t even have to make the jokes, they did it for us.

I’m talk about the Portland Trailblazers of 2000 to present day.They made O.J. look like a princess.

Too bad they don’t swap NBA teams for a season. Could you imagine those Blazers playing in Utah for a year.

They made headlines for getting DWI’s, smuggling weed into airports, fighting each other, cursing out refs, and starting the headband trend.

We loved it and you know the Portland owners secretly loved the publicity. And hell, their foundation had enough make-up to win a championship, so you forget all those silly miscues.

They had enought talent to dismantle the original Dream Team. Shawn Kemp, Rasheed Wallace, swingman Scottie Pippen, Damon Staudamire, Steve Smith, Bonzi Wells, and one of the best foreign centers of all time, Sabonis.

The only problem was Sabonis hated all of them. Probably felt like the only virgin guy at a Puffy party. His crafty skills hardly were utilized because his teamates never passed him the ball.

Their star power though was enough to defeat the Lakers in the Western Conference Finals. Leading by 16 in the 4th quarter of Game 7, their invitation to the Finals and David Stern’s worst nightmare was looming.

But they blew it. Then they were never heard of again.

Now comes news that Greg Oden, this years top pick in the draft will miss his entire rookie season. Coupled with Lamarcus Aldridge, Brandon Roy, and Joel Pryzbilla, this enticing group of youngsters were supposed to be the next 1996 Timberwolves.

These Blazers are supposed to be the next Big Thing in an already star drowned Western Conference.

Who knows, maybe the Blazers luck will twist and they will land the #1 pick in next years draft. Add another piece to their already bright puzzle.

But I sure miss those days of 2000 and can only dream of a Blazers-Knicks Finals had NY defeated the Pacers and Portland held onto that 4th quarter lead.

Maybe next year.