As I stare at the snow falling beyond on my window sill, I can’t help but feel nostalgic. The winter always brings upon these feelings of the good ole days. Days when Michael Jackson was touching hearts, rather than little boys. Days when I could turn on the TV to see the “Dream Team” be aggressive and defiant, as opposed to now only hearing about that asshole Kobe Bryant. But alas, even my best rhyming scheme won’t cheer me up.

Last night was like any other night here at home. We were gathered in Isaac’s basement doing a power hour while some type of sporting event was muted on the TV. Tonight it happened to be USC ripping OU a new one in the Orange Bowl. Buddy, Isaac’s dog, is peering through the stairs in his usual spot, probably wondering dog things like, “Will they ever come out with a Seth Burdick line of cologne?”

I on the other hand, was surfing the net, catching up on some of the past Zubaz articles when I was struck with an idea for one of my own. The perfect way to lighten my mood and ease the tension in my brain that’s been put there by the likes of Ashlee Simpson and Clay Aiken. I will create haiku’s for the modern life.

What is a Haiku?

So you wonder, what is a Haiku? In case you have forgotten from 3rd grade, a haiku is a Japanese poem composed of three unrhymed lines of five, seven, and five syllables. So simple, that I figured Id be able to take the haiku to boundaries that even Yokozuna couldn’t have imagined.

For example a Haiku about Christina Aguilera:

Hot back in the day;
Music just as shitty still;
That Moulin Rouge whore.

So simple, yet sooo satisfying, I have too keep making more. Maybe I can bring the haiku back into fashion maybe I can’t. Either way, at least I can relieve some stress and at the same time, scrap that shitty “Zubaz the Game” idea.

A haiku about Adam Sandler: He had to go and start his serious side bullshit. Come on Sandler, support your true crowd and stop advertising to the MILF’s.

Made some classic films;
Billy Madison was great;
Spanglish is his death.

A haiku about UPN: The Channel that goes beyond all other in order to assure they have the crappiest lineup on television. Missy Elliott, do you really need your own television show? Eve, do you really need your own television show? Is your career really washed up only days after it even started.

Sold out musicians;
With no more fame or glory;
Can be on T V.

A haiku about Flava Flav: A classic figure from the late 80’s as a member of the infamous hip-hop group Public Enemy. Flav has taken his DiRosa roots and stooped as low as reality TV in 2004 on VH1’s “ The Surreal Life.”

Giant clock on your neck;
Brain frazzled from your rap past;
Grow small black guy grow.

A haiku about Bam Margera and his TV show Viva La Bam: Though I’d rather not get started on Bam, In lieu of this article I feel I should stick to my original plans to get this pop culture steam off my chest. Fucking Bam Margera is scum of the Earth. He would be classic homeless guy living on the streets, but instead America insists on handing him money by giving him his own TV show, and for what use? All the show is, is the same crap we did when we were 5.

You are not funny;
Beating up your dad, just old;
Make some real money.

A haiku about Chinese Food: A personal favorite of mine, I figured I’d write this one to accompany the upcoming article when “Zubazpants goes to Empire Hunan”. A personal favorite meal you ask? Got to be the sweet and sour chicken.

Good no matter what;
Cookie at the end is great;
Me love you long time.

A haiku about NOW That’s What I call Music the CD’s (up to and including #17): The most recent one I saw is number seventeen and all I have to say is, if that is what they call music, than I can be an all time money making producer running my own label. Some of the names appearing on the album include such amazing artists as, J-Kwon, JoJo, Bowling for Soup, and Lil Flip. I suggest playing this album on only one occasion, after you take over the role of Satan. (YES, YOU! reading this right now, MUAHAHAHAHA)

You choose the worst songs;
Target audience age nine;
Learn what music is.

A haiku about old school Nickelodeon: As many of you know, this is one of my favorite things to talk about, both when intoxicated or not intoxicated. My brain can pull from its repository everything from the theme song to “Eurekas Castle” all the way to the name of the doctor in “Rocco’s Modern Life.” It really isn’t a pet peeve of mine then, but deserves a haiku as well.

Wild and Crazy Kids;
Still in hopes of being slimed;
Make my wish come true.

A haiku about Vin Diesel: They should make E! True Hollywood Story Vin Diesel. The plot would be almost identical to that of Mary Poppins.

Worked out all your life;
To grow big and look real strong;
Then make Disney films.

A haiku about the new movie Oceans Twelve: Ocean’s Eleven was a classic film directed by Lewis Milestone way way back in 1960. It starred some of the biggest names of the time and became an instant classic. A re-make you say? Let’s see it. And we did, when Oceans Eleven came out in 2000 with the same plot, except starring the big name stars of the new millennium. But an oceans twelve, a whole new movie playing off of the same name made famous in the 60’s just wont fucking cut it!

First was eleven;
Was a classic the first time;
Now you just killed it.

A haiku about George Bush Jr: As far as this man being a pet peeve, I don’t think I’m alone when I say that. I think this haiku promotes a good mental picture of my feelings.

You are a moron;
You are such a big moron;
You are a moron.

Ahhhhhhhh, that felt good. Well its 2005, and my soul is cleansed of the bad thoughts that I kept inside all last year. I hope you have enjoyed these haikus and maybe ive inspired you to write a few of your own. Go ahead and give it a try, but before you do, I leave you with this:

A haiku about ZubazPants: Our pride and joy!

Patterns of color;
Were not just an eighties fad;
Alive in our hearts.

Comments? Haiku of your own? E-Mail me at Tenni_C_Jed@yahoo.com